Content warnings: I use humor as my method of expression in this piece and I actively make fun of my body image.
Trigger Warnings: sexual assault/rape, body hatred, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, abuse
Have you ever felt complete and utter shame in your body but for the life of you, you couldn’t put your finger on what was causing it? Do you have too many conflicting thoughts telling you different ways about why you should hate your body? Well maybe you’re experiencing what I am! I like to call it the Wheel of Misfortune™! A totally fun yet confusing game of dysphoria!
Slight joking (as a coping mechanism and tool of writing) aside, I think for this to make any sense you need to know that I am nonbinary, short, fat, and a sexual assault survivor. I also have anxiety and some other chemical imbalances :D. In other words, I’m insecure and ashamed of my body and there are so many reasons why.
When I was 3, I started playing soccer, and I played until I was 14. When I was about 8, it became obvious to me that I was overweight, especially for an athlete. At the time, my build was seen as an advantage for the field. I was stocky with a great center of balance. I literally didn’t go down without a fight and I made it past my opponents with ease by sheer force. I was center-mid, goalkeeper, and nicknamed “The Tank”. And the nickname was probably supposed to be a nod to my skills but I always took it as a nod to my fatness. Yes a tank is basically indestructible and unbeatable but it is Large™ and destroys everything in its path.
I’ve always been an over-thinker, so you can imagine what my interpretation of the nickname did to my self-image.
When I was 9, a friend of mine asked me on the playground, “what are all the ugly purple dots on my nose?” What the fuck right? I asked my mom and she said “Those are blackheads. That’s acne.” What a way to learn about acne! By being called ugly by someone you thought was your friend! My mom also told me that it was a part of puberty and that it would probably get worse. What fun! I hate puberty.
When I was 11, I started my period. Fuck!! I didn’t know how to handle that and I had no clue why I started so early. My weight supposedly had something to do with that. I also had to start wearing bras because… suddenly boobs??? That was a tag-team-job from good old puberty and fatness :0) I hate puberty part two!
When I was 14, I realized I Wasn’t Cis™ and began to discover new level of hatred towards my body. My gender dysphoria. This one was the worst so far. I felt trapped in my body, not to sound cliche. I felt like I had no control.
When I was 18, I was in an abusive relationship. I lost my virginity to my abuser. I was sexually assaulted and raped multiple times during the 11 month relationship.
Now if you don’t mind, please think of my brain as a cauldron. All of these instances or these happenings— or whatever they should be called— have been brewing in that giant cauldron of my stinky brain starting at the age of 8. Now take all the ingredients and put each onto a spinning wheel.
Now spin that bad boy! That’s what my brain does when I try to have sex. It picks one (1) ingredient ~at random~ from my trauma cauldron and makes me feel so physically uncomfortable I can’t show my body to my partner.I didn’t know why until I brainstormed for this post’s topic. I didn’t realize how smooshed together all my insecurities are and I didn’t know exactly how they affect my sex life. It’s something I can’t even bring myself to tell my partner. At least not without making (personally) insensitive jokes about it. and I don’t know when I’ll be able to.
Can you tell I don’t have a therapist right now? 😥
Unruly Bodies 
I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this post but the use of humor to handle trauma is so up my alley. It is exactly how I handle my life, especially when I was in middle and high school. Our bodies are a representation of what we have gone through in life so I can easily see how all of that can be smooshed together. I have always struggled with my weight. I don’t want to say I have accepted it, but I have lost any energy to try to lose it or even fight it. When I was around 9, I played basketball and remember always being the slowest person on the team. In college I tried frisbee and I took the longest to run the track lap or run to the goal. When I went to PT early this year, I got sore legs from just doing some strengthening exercises. These experiences have definitely made me feel trapped to an extent even though I have a power to change it. I think that is just a relation to my mental health. Now I also struggle with gender dysmorphia and that is something I am actively trying to work through mentally.
A random question I had: does weight really have an impact on when you start your period?! I thought it was just a spin at the wheel and you got it when you got it. I never really thought about what affect your body would have on that. I started mine when I was 12.
Thank you so much for commenting :’) To answer your question, I know that being underweight can delay someone’s period by years and so I was thinking that being overweight can send you it early? Like because your body is like Hey you’re the right weight to be “age at which is appropriate to get your period”! Upon further investigation, 11 may not be what’s considered early for menarche anymore… there is research about whether someone’s BMI and obesity causes an early puberty. But BMI’s are eugenist’s creation so I’ll ignore that tbh. The research didn’t conclude much other than weight /can/ be a factor but isn’t always. So hmmmm.
Sometimes it’s a bit necessary to approach pain/trauma/dysphoria with some humor! I too am a short fat nonbinary human and POC and navigating life with these intersecting marginalized identities has been a journey to say the least. I continue to have a weird relationship with my body going from feeling fat positive to still experiencing internalized fatphobia even after a decade of intentional unlearning.