As the semester is coming to a close and I’m so close to receiving a degree I worked for 5.5 years for… I find myself in deep introspection about my life. With this fast paced thing we call life, it’s hard to conceptualize it all–all of the things that happened in between then and now. Then being when I was a kid or teenager…from muddling through school, figuring out who I wanted to be and who I really am, building friendships and relationships–some ended and some flourished, making mistakes, making big decisions, accomplishing things I never thought were possible. To now: being a young adult, graduating college in about a week, living through a pandemic, thinking about my future (career, relationship) and my past (trauma and growth from that), the future of the world, thinking about who I’ve become and almost everything in between. After going through so much already, it’s scary to think about the future and to make plans for it. With this new step, I’m scared of failure and the unknown. But, I don’t want to not recognize the things I’ve accomplished, or what I’m capable of… or not recognize my worth. Despite the things that are out of my control, I should focus on the beauty of life and everything that comes along with it, right?

I’m reminded of a rough patch I went through–where I felt like nothing was going the way I’d planned or the way I expected. It felt like no matter what I tried, something was in the way, I kept regressing…and I just didn’t know what to do next. I was dealing with loss, addiction, and identity issues a loss of direction in general. I woke up one day and had an epiphany. I tried to think about all the good things that have happened to me by accident or by chance without expecting it; The people who entered my life, the things I learned through experience (even if it was negative, I grew from it), opportunities I’ve gotten, the beauty in my life, etc. I thought, why should I keep putting SO much energy into expecting so much to happen and then it turns to shit? In this particular time, I was going through heartbreak (sequentially, twice, in the past year). I expected these people to stay, to love me, to grow with me, but they weren’t able to. I put so much energy into it that I lost myself, I was expecting WAY too much from those situations and I was hurting myself by expecting certain things to happen. I lost sight of what was meaningful in my life, by focusing on the bad and what I was missing.

I remembered this movie I saw when I was a kid. A cheesy Rom-Com from the early 2000’s. It was Serendipity (2001) with Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack. A brief synopsis: They met one night and experienced love at first sight–but decided to let a fate decide if they should be together; They each wrote their name and phone number on a $5 bill and the other wrote on the first page of a book that was to be sold the next day in NYC. If they came across either again, it was meant to be. 10 years later, they ended up together after rediscovering the $5 bill and ended up together. Corny right? But I remembered that movie forever…also that WORD! Serendipity. I guess one of the ways to define it, is the phenomenon of discovering something beneficial, happy, beautiful without expecting or looking for it. There are SO many ways to think about serendipity or how to define it. There’s so much meaning in that word, for me.

So with my epiphany that day, I went to get a tattoo: Serendipity. I got it on my wrist about 2.5 years ago. The placement is in a place where sometimes I forget about it (cause I don’t always see it). But when I do see it I’m reminded to not look for the answers or for a specific path when it comes to certain things. That, I should live with the philosophy of letting my life happen without putting so much energy and expectations into the unknown. That, the most beautiful and meaningful things will come when I’m not expecting it. With this word embedded in my skin and into my mind, a lot of beautiful things have happened in my life. And I feel a huge weight off of my shoulders in a lot of ways.

I still want to live with this philosophy. I’m scared for what will happen after I graduate, and what path I’ll take. Or what will happen next in my adult life; Will I ever be married, or have kids? Or be a Doctor? Still live in Maryland? I can make plans for the future, sure! However, life is so fast-paced and unpredictable, I want to let meaningful, beneficial and beautiful things happen without my interference too. And most of all, to recognize when these things happen. If I don’t pay attention to the unexpected beauty in life, it will pass me by–and I know I would regret it. Paying attention to the beautiful, meaningful, unexpected things life brings has gotten me through a lot of uncertainty and heartache–and at times, has brought me unexpected opportunity and happiness.

What does serendipity mean to you?