Affirmations from an unreliable drop out –

I have failed to work with a system that prioritizes productivity over personhood.

I have chosen moving forward over suffering

I will accept myself to spite a value system that does not want acceptance – but always striving for “better”. If I internalize it, that I am always striving for “better”, then I build a comfortable place for the belief that I will never be enough, to rest upon. Instead, I will build space within myself to be less than ideal. 

Dropping out of high school was the most radical action I’ve ever taken.

I rejected the requirement that compromise my access needs and harm myself in order to be “successful”. 

I never wanted to succeed at fitting a mold that wasn’t built for me.

I am more than a mold that wasn’t built for me.

I am the punchline to the jokes of people who have done nothing other than what they are told. 

I embody my beliefs that I am more than my productivity, by finding self worth in more than conventional success.

My knowledge is abundant, no matter how others quantify it

My expertise is valuable, without recognition

My body, my mind, my effort, my will, my try – are priceless

I honor the noncompliance that deems me outside of “success”.

I began this semester with exposures to my fear of imperfection. I have improved in ways I am so proud of. I have backslid. This isn’t linear, but maybe the greatest exposure of all is in a “failure” to keep improving in a linear sense. It isn’t failure, you should know that, but right now I am telling myself –

So what if it is? 

That’s growth.

I don’t want to be told I’m doing great given my circumstances, I want to be told doing poorly will be met with a warm welcome and support.

That’s what I got from this space.

I am building a home in failure, so that when I run from the weight of perfection, I will be safe there and cared for. 

If I am safe and I am cared for, anything I produce that does not serve me does not affect me at core.

It’s not true yet, but I’m taking you with me to realize it when that day comes.