Names, everyone has one (or several), and a name is used in everyday occurrences. You see your friend walking down the hall, you excitedly yell their name and embarrass or startle them, you see your pet eating something they shouldn’t, you shout their name and chase after them, you get the idea. A lot of people never really think much about their name, it’s their name, their parents gave it to them, case closed, but the issue of names comes up when one’s gender identity is brought to the forefront of their thoughts. As I try to untangle my own understanding of my gender identity, my name becomes an issue.

I had always disliked my birth name, whether it was because it’s meaning or the fact it was a name in a language people here don’t commonly speak so it was butchered all the time, but I can recall several times growing up where I had quietly hoped someone would give me a nickname that would catch on, going as far as trying to start one myself in near desperation. It never worked. But the deep unsettlement I felt over my birth name would continue. Years later when it would occur to me I may not be cisgendered, it was a quiet sigh of relief, this fixation on my name, that it seemed none of my peers felt, was explained. But that was only the unfortunate beginning of an issue that I would still have, now more of an adult than ever and nearly out of college with a degree.

I have gone through several name changes, two legal ones (though the second was to change my middle name due to it becoming a trigger to me), and I still feel a detachment from my name. I’ve had a name that I had been going by privately but it suddenly stopped feeling like mine. To explain, I’m very peculiar in the fact that my name gives me a feeling. It’s like this “Oh! That’s me!” feeling, but due to a strange dream that I awoke from deeply unsettled by over a year ago, my current name, no longer feels like mine. It’s like if after you introduce yourself to someone, they begin to call you a name that is incorrect, even slightly. (“My name is Jane.” ”Nice to meet you, James!”) I had begun joking over a year ago that if I could be a nameless, formless entity floating through space and time, I’d be elated! (I wonder when did it stop being a joke?) My gender identity has also been an issue, but the name issue has been a bit more pressing in my mind. I have a list on my phone’s notes app of names that stuck to me or names that were a possibility, I add and remove names from it every so often. I suffer from indecisiveness and though this list is composed of names I like, I’m not sure if they fit. A few months back I went to two friends I trust very deeply and asked “If you had to pinpoint a name for me, what would it be?” My friend of over a decade sent me a screenshot within a few hours of several names paired with my last name and maybe even a middle name of what she thought sounded right. “I know it’s kinda a lot, but Eli or Ezra really stuck out to me as maybe a good fit?” I have both written in my notes app list. The second friend told me my current name seemed like me, but if they had to choose another, Rory or Gray seemed possible. I have Gray on my list. Currently there are five names on my list and a few names to the side which I enjoy but seemed too on the nose or absurd for names.

My old therapist had made a comment that stuck to me, and though I adore the idea, names are a must. “Maybe as we go through life, our name changes as we do.” I think about this a lot. This summer I had an opportunity to go to a botanical garden/indigenous group historical site and as the tour guide was explaining a mural of the tribe leaders of the past he made a comment that startled me. “They were not born with the name they use and are called, it was believed that when their lives were changed and they were moved into a position of power, the gods gave them the name we call them today.” As we reached a short rest area and the group I was with was chattering amongst themselves, I made my way to the tour guide and asked “Do you believe that a name is sometimes given to us by unexplained things, do you think it’s a good sign?” The tour guide looked at me for a moment then chuckled, “Not many tourists care about the spirituality behind practices of our people.” I waited for his response. “When the gods gave us new names, it wasn’t viewed as a good thing per say, but as a call that we were now a part of something outside of ourselves, even though it was something no one hoped for, it was accepted as our life.” This is also something that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind.

Transgender and nonbinary individuals are often forced to reflect on names, their name, and it’s normal to look for and change the name you are using or called. This isn’t to say cisgendered individuals never feel a disconnect with their names, it happens. Names are important, in a way, it’s who we are, it’s us. What does one do when you feel nameless, when everyone calls your name and your brain gags at the sound? Do you think I will ever find a name I can call my own?