Author: melonpopsicle

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Feeling like an Impostor

Among Us Impostor, used for clickbait but also to show an impostor

There are some days where I know I am this intelligent, capable, hardworking woman I strive to be. But on most days, I find myself doubting those facts. I find myself wondering how I even made it this far? If I were so smart, why do I feel so dumb all the damn time?

As a woman in computer science, I often doubt my own capabilities. I feel like I am slower at understanding basic concepts in comparison to other students. I feel like I am always lost and the deadweight of the group. Any high scores on any exams I received were out of luck. Maybe my friends were deceived, I don’t know what I am doing. I just think I am so incompetent in everything I do.

Maybe they are right, I don’t deserve to be in this field.

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Barely Bouncing Back from Burnout

Burnt out light to show burnout https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/broken-bulb-smoke-bournout-light-flame-73026582.jpg

           As we finish the midterm season, we have two more weeks until Thanksgiving break and less than six weeks until finishing the fall semester. The countdown to being finished this semester has been ticking in my mind for a break.

 Recently, I’ve been feeling tremendously stressed out and tired. I have been having trouble getting to my classes on time, feeling engaged, and keeping up with my load. I have been facing a bit of a roadblock with what I want to write about for this post. After getting through half of the week (Wednesday as I write this), I realize that my roadblock for the post stems from two causes: trying to outdo my previous posts and burnout. 

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I Hate my Body Because I am Asian.

The only thing I remember that I wanted to be growing up, was to be white.

When we pretended to be our favorite characters, for some reason, I always wanted to choose the white girl with blue eyes in whatever girl group, even if there was an Asian passing girl in the group. I especially remember wanting to be Cloe from Bratz instead of Jade or Bloom from Winx Club instead of Musa. For two Halloweens straight, I was proudly Hannah Montana in my cheap blonde wig. I just wanted to be the extraordinary pretty blonde, fair girl. But I was a Filipino with dark brown hair and eyes and tan skin, born and raised here in America. 

Pictured is the infamous girl group the Winx Club. The fairies in order pictured together are Aisha, Musa, Stella, Bloom, Flora, and Tecna.
Winx Club characters together: Aisha, Musa, Stella, Bloom, Flora, and Tecna
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The Unspoken Truth about Working Out

Girl feeling defeated at the gym. Image from: https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/fitness/a26637/unhealthy-relationship-with-exercise/

Growing up as an Asian American, I always had a fast metabolism and never weighed above 100 pounds. No matter how much I tried to eat, I could never gain the weight. If I lost any weight for any reason, it was hard to gain it back. Medical professionals would tell me that I needed to “eat a cheeseburger” because my weight was not considered ‘healthy.’ I was not allowed to donate blood because I did not reach the weight minimum. I was tired of being told how ‘weak and small’ I looked, envying anyone with more noticeable curves or physical strength. I refused to take pictures for months, archiving my entire feed on Instagram and hiding my body as much as I could. I was sick of the body I was in. So in 2019, I began to research ways I can transform the way I look as quickly as possible. 

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