content warning: discussion of self-destructive behavior; mentions of eating disorder, transphobia, and sexual harassment
In Fall of 2019, my sophomore year, I took 22 credits and I got straight As except for a B in French 103 but that’s ok it’s for a GEP and I don’t really need French anyway so I got straight As that’s what matters. Actually 3 of those credits were for my production called Girls on a Dirt Pile that rehearsed every weeknight for 3.5 hours and then for 5 hours a night during tech week and we had performances so that class should have probably been more than 3 credits just to show that we did the work and I should have had a heating pad for my hips when I got home because the movement irritated old injuries but I didn’t have a heating pad and I had to do homework anyway so I stayed in pain and I stayed exhausted because I was sleeping maybe 3 hours a night and nobody ever saw me without a large coffee in my hand, and one time I was so tired that I forgot my name and started crying in Vocal class and when Cole saw me later he told me I looked lost and had to convince me to go home and nap instead of going to Stagecraft so that I would be able to have a productive rehearsal later. But I got straight As except for French and the show was awesome (except for when one of the actors broke her foot because the set designers didn’t consider that we would need stairs to get off a platform even though we had asked for stairs when we saw the skinny slippery metal bar we we supposed to use as a step, but we got stairs after Anna broke her foot and later I yelled at our department head in a TheatreCOM meeting about negligence and safety because broken bones are not ok and now the faculty has a safety committee) and I was Fine.
We toured that show to College Park for the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival over winter break and I took French 201 online so after we went to workshops and rebuilt the set and rehearsed I went back to the hotel room to do homework and then got up for our 7:30 am call. During one of our performances me and the other fem-presenting ensemble members (the Dressy Dirt Piles, as Chelsea called us because she wanted a gender-inclusive term so I wouldn’t be misgendered for the entire show process) got cat-called by audience members because the entire point of the show went right over their heads and it took everything I had not to break character and start throwing things at them. I got a C in French 201 because I was too afraid to record myself speaking French because I didn’t want to see my face or hear my voice so I didn’t do any of the assignments that required that but I got the language credit and that’s what mattered.
And then in Spring 2020 I took 22 credits again because I did it before and I was Fine and I was behind in my GWST major and my GEPs and I had to be in a show again but nobody broke their foot during this one so that was good. And I was sleeping 1-3 hours a night and pulling all-nighters in the Linehan study lounge because Colin and Mykey had swipe access and we went to Wawa at 4am and I drank Red Bull that made my whole body shake. And I was still Fine but I went to my GWST advisor to see if I could drop a class and still stay on track for my major because I wasn’t learning or sleeping and she said yes I can drop the class because I was at 22 credits and that was too much and I could take more GWST classes junior and senior year. She was the first person to tell me that maybe 22 credits was too much to handle.
And then we got kicked out of school because people were sick and dying and I spent the next 6 months sitting in the same spot staring at the same wall because my whole life had been taken away from me because my whole life was school and rehearsal and homework and maybe my body and mind decided to quit during those 6 months because I was dragging them along on my self-destructive pursuits because I cared about nothing except school so they decided I wasn’t allowed to care about that either until I got my shit together.
So I very slowly learned my lesson and when we came back to school online in Fall 2020 I dropped the classes I couldn’t handle because my body and mind didn’t have the capacity for 19 credits, so I took 12, and I decided that GWST would change from a major to a minor because there was no way I could finish all the classes and graduate in time and be ok, and I regained the weight I lost from my ED relapse over the summer, and I told every underclassman I met that under no circumstances should they ever take 22 credits in one semester. And in Spring 2021 I took 16 credits and when our rehearsal process for our Zoom theatre show disregarded the needs of our bodies and minds I told our directors and stage managers that they needed to do better for us and they did, sort of. And I remembered the things I learned in class and felt good about the work I created and I when I finished the semester I felt pride instead of relief.
And I didn’t really get a break because as soon as I got back to my parents’ house for the summer I had to find a job so I was working at Dawson’s making smoothies and juices and coffees and sometimes sandwiches (when I was the only one working cafe and deli I had to run back and forth across the store) and sometimes I was a cashier when someone needed cover and I wore my they/them pronouns pin on my apron every day but most people misgendered me anyway. And I got paid minimum wage and the people who could afford to pay for a 7 dollar smoothie in cash couldn’t seem to afford to tip me and the boss was sexist, but I liked having stuff to do and I liked the coworkers who didn’t misgender me and I didn’t feel overcommitted, so I was ok.
So now we’ve made it back up to the present and it’s the Fall 2021 semester and I’m a senior and I’m taking 16 credits because I wanted to TA the sophomore acting class and I have to be in a show again (it’s a devised show called Everything is Performance, we’ve been talking a lot about gender and race and bodies) and I’m an office assistant for Reslife and I work 4 mornings a week and I’ve been sleeping 3 hours on weeknights again. And I don’t have time to do my homework and my mind has been too tired to read the materials anyway and I keep falling asleep in the shower and waking up confused about which bottle is body wash and which bottle is conditioner and I feel like I’m dragging my body along on a leash behind me as I go about my day because it has to come with me even though I’m too tired to make it up another step. And Laley my director asked me how I was feeling in rehearsal last night because she knew I hadn’t been “practicing self-care” earlier in the week and I almost started crying when I said “I’m not great.”
And I remember all the lessons I learned from destroying myself sophomore year, and from fighting to not destroy myself junior year, and I’m trying to find a way to apply the knowledge and save my body and mind again because I know better now and I’m working on listening to my body when it establishes boundaries and it’s basically screaming for me to fix this. But I’m in my last 2 required classes for my GWST minor, and I’m in my Theatre Capstone class that’s only offered in the fall, and I’m required to be in a show, and I need to have money for groceries and for paying back my parents the money I owe them, and I’m graduating in the spring so I don’t have leeway to drop things and retake them later. I don’t have the energy I had when I was 19 to stay up all night to finish my assignments and then chug coffee and go to class like everything is fine and ignore everything that’s going wrong. I cut back on coffee anyway and now too much hurts my stomach. And I thought I could make it better for myself but I wonder if I’m trapped between the rock and the hard place of capitalism and more capitalism as they manifest in work and school. Everything about how we conceptualize good work neglects basic needs and I honestly wish I could still live on 1 hour of sleep and a gallon of coffee and keep trucking along pretending I think I’m functional because I was getting it all done back then and I want so badly to be able to get it all done like I’m supposed to be able to but I can’t keep walking around feeling like I’m gonna fall over any second. My anti-capitalist self-respect awakening over the last year and a half is directly at odds with the actual conditions of my life at the moment and I can’t figure out how to apply everything I learned so I don’t waste that year of self-imposed trauma and the past year of global trauma that ended up being my first opportunity in 21 years to have a minute of real self-reflection. So that’s pretty fucked up.
Unruly Bodies 
Hi user,
This post saddens me a bit because it’s all too relatable and I know what the outcome was for me when I ignored my health for school. The truth is you either take a break by choice or eventually your body gives in and you are forced into a break. Something I found interesting while reading this post is the concept of graduating “on time” or late. I think this arbitrary 4 year deadline is something that has been ingrained in a lot of our heads, but you could always take another semester if you wanted to. Or take a break if you wanted to. Or do school and work part time. Of course, money is always a big factor to be considered in this so I know that’s not always realistic for everyone but it is definitely an option to consider. I say this as a student who has started in Fall 2015 but was forced to slow down because I neglected my physical and mental health.
And as I think about reasons why more people don’t just slow down, I realize that capitalism plays a role here as well. In a lot of ways, universities operate similarly to companies and school is similar to a job. Universities are also responsible for appropriating our bodies as students. They take pictures of happy students on campus and use them for pamphlets; they advertise their high graduation rates and especially their 4 and 6 year graduation rates (which is why they don’t promote breaks!); and they expect us to represent the university well as student org leaders, researchers, etc. But when it comes to taking care of our bodies, there is very little they do for us. The resources provided to us are pretty performative in my opinion, such as free yoga classes or access to massages through the health center. It’s pretty similar to what we read about company wellness programs in this class. Universities also have a bottomline to protect when it comes to enrollment, graduation rates, etc. Remember to chose yourself!
I was so “excited” to read this. I knew immediately that I would be able to relate solely based off the title.
After reading,
“Whoa.”
I felt how over whelmed you were. I even had to skip through to take a breath because I felt like I was reliving this experience with you. I chose this article because I am experiencing the same thing right now. I am literally working full time and full time schooling while also having to study for out-of-school assignments and trying to maintain my health by going to the gym. There seems to not be enough hours in the day. Not one. Not even a little bit. I find myself having to wake up at 545a to get a good start to the day, if possible.
Nevertheless, I always remind myself that if I need a break, I am going to take one. I leaved from the Pandemic that jobs can wait. They can always replace you. I also learned that I will be okay if I do not work, especially because I am still in school now which says I am doin something at least. Your piece really made me feel like I was not alone and that I am right to take time to myself. There’s no point pushing myself if I do not have my peace (physically and mentally,) my health, and giving all I got to what is important.
I hope we all choose ourselves moving forward. America can really have you feeling like you do not have the time to do it. Be brave!
“I can’t figure out how to apply everything I learned so I don’t waste that year of self-imposed trauma and the past year of global trauma that ended up being my first opportunity in 21 years to have a minute of real self-reflection. So that’s pretty fucked up.”
I found your entire piece very moving and I think you were able to really clearly express the exhaustion and frustration that comes with being run into the ground for years on end trying to do so much. I really want to focus on the last thing you said though, the quote I pulled above because I agree with you. It’s a pretty fucked up thing to feel.
I spent a lot of quarantine focusing on improving things about myself and was so excited to for the beginning of this semester and being in person because then I’d be able to put all of the things I thought about and tried to change into practice. And then, when this semester got started back up, I didn’t do that!
I was really upset about this, but when I talked about this frustration of knowing what to do and still not really being able to do it with my therapist, he said that knowing but not doing is a pretty common stage in the process of learning. It’s sometimes called conscious incompetence, and it sucks ass because you’re conscious of what you need/want to do, but you still can’t do it! It might even feel like you’re doing worse than you were doing before because now you’re more aware. But, importantly, this is just a stage in learning and growing and eventually people start to move out of it, slowly at first and maybe not consciously, but you will get better at putting into practice what you learned. In the meantime, try not to let your heightened awareness get you down friend! The fact that you’re aware and bothered by your inability to put what you know into practice shows you’re growing and moving towards better things, and I really believe you’ll be able to reach the balance you need soon 🙂