TW: Disordered eating, mental illness, body image issues

Mental illness is one of the body’s worst enemies

I’ve never been good at taking care of my body. Which was fine, I guess, when I was a kid. I rarely ate anything because I was a picky eater, I hated brushing my teeth because it was boring, and I quit almost every sport I played because, well… I wasn’t good at them. The only kind of exercise I got was from my gym class and my dance classes. Even then, I told myself I was going to quit almost every year.

But, whatever, I was a kid. Kids do stupid things. They’ll grow out of it, right?

I never really did. All these things turned into habits and routines that are hard to break. And now I’m afraid to try new things. Is this because of the depression and anxiety that runs in my family? Or did I develop anxiety because I never try anything new? Probably a combination of both.

My mental health got really bad in middle school. By then all of these bad habits were locked in and any hope of breaking them was blocked by my lack of motivation to do anything. I always forgot to wear my retainer. Even though I had so much acne, I never washed my face. Instead I would pick at it until it caused scars. I only showered two or three times a week because it was such an ordeal that I could never convince myself to go do. I would eat when I was sad or bored or watching TV.

All of these things that I didn’t do are things that society says you have to do in order to be healthy and productive. Society makes me feel bad about myself and my habits, makes me feel guilty that I’m not taking care of myself. “Your body is a temple” and all of that. Now I’m starting to wonder: is it true or is it just ableism?

Most if not all of these things that I listed, plus many others, are considered a normal part of everyone’s lives. But, for someone with a physical or mental disability/illness, they are luxuries. Things that take up way too much energy, energy that we have to save for other things. (See The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino: https://www.healthline.com/health/spoon-theory-chronic-illness-explained-like-never-before#1)

But because I’m not taking care of my body in the ways that everyone tells me I should… does that mean I don’t deserve it?

Sometimes I think that’s true. And the older I get, the more scared I am that my habits are irreversible and will effect my long term health. I gained weight during quarantine. I’m not sure how much, because I’m afraid to step on a scale and admit it to myself, but it’s at least a few pants sizes (inconsistencies in women’s jeans sizes is a completely different story, one that I might discuss next time).

Anyway, I’m sure weight gain was common for a lot of people. But the difference is I haven’t done anything about it. And this has resulted in a bad relationship with food, worse than it already was. I used to enjoy it but now, even when I’m eating something that I know I love, I’m only thinking about how guilty I feel that I’m not doing any better. I can’t force myself to leave my dorm room to get something to eat because I know I’m not gonna want anything the dining hall is serving. I hate when food comes up in conversation because it’s always with someone who is really healthy, telling me about all the amazing food that they eat, and I’m stuck asking myself why I can’t do they same thing. But my depression has me paralyzed and incapable of doing anything about it.

If you would like to answer the question: Is it ableism? Or add your own thoughts I would love to hear them.