I really like the word queer it saves me from “I’m-nonbinary-and-asexual-and-aromantic-and-sometimes-a-little-bit-bi-asexual-means-experiencing-little-to-no-sexual-attraction-aromantic-means-experiencing-little-to-no-romantic-attraction-I-might-be-grayaro?-hence-the-sometimes-bi-I-don’t-really-know-for-sure” and all of the questions and confusion because defining things is exhausting and nobody believes me anyway because they don’t want to try to understand. I know this because the people who know all the words I use for myself and what they mean don’t believe me they still ask if I have crushes on my guy friends no I do not I am asexual and aromantic you know this there aren’t exceptions (except maybe sometimes(?) but that’s really not your business) and why do you only ask about men you know I’m interested in women and nonbinary people (except for when I’m interested in nobody) that’s heteronormative. So I use the word queer mostly because I don’t have time to explain and not everyone is worth the effort.

And I use asexual and aromantic very loudly and I have an asexual flag in my room and a TAAAP sticker on my laptop and I have all of my definitions prepared and I know what questions they’re going to ask I’ve done my readings my research I know I might be the only aroace person they’ll ever know so I will teach them. I post about Ace Week and Aromantic Week and I talk about them in class and I sent links to AVEN and AUREA in my zoom chats last year so they could at least get baseline information so they know I’m not the only one. I can’t be the only one I know this is real I know there are more people like me out there. I will repeat myself until they see me.

And I introduce myself with my pronouns and ask people for their pronouns even when I’m uncomfortable because I know I have to normalize saying “Hi I’m Alex I use they/them pronouns, what are your pronouns?” because I don’t want to accept being misgendered when I don’t have to and because it will make it easier for the next nonbinary or trans person they meet. Last year I started including my pronouns in my audition slates I think I’m the only person I know who does that but I’m the Teaching Assistant for the sophomore acting class and on their most recent monologue assignment two of the the sophomores said their pronouns in their slates so I know it means something that I’m trans in class and trans in audition rooms.

And I spent this semester working on a devised play so I write this character Aster who is nonbinary and trans and I know some people who will watch this show have never met a nonbinary or trans person so I write them saying “nonbinary and trans people have worth too” I write them being misgendered and I write them saying “misgendering a trans person is an act of violence” I refuse to have any subtlety in this character I write them being tortured in a gendered position I write them saying “this isn’t your body or your life it’s mine so you can look at me and decide whatever you want about who I’m supposed to be but you can’t fucking touch me anymore” I write them being punished for standing up for themself I write them coming back to life I write them finding a home. My director misgendered Aster (and me by extension) almost every day in rehearsal and I had to fight to have costumes that were in line with Aster’s gender presentation and with the story I’ve been trying to tell about gender because my cisgender director thinks she can make decisions about what happens to trans bodies without asking the trans actor but I got the costumes I needed and I get to tell Aster’s story the right way because I fought for us to be heard. This is the first time my parents have seen me play a nonbinary character or heard me talk about gender this way. After my opening weekend shows Eva thanked me for writing this story they gave me a hug and said this character is so important we need more like them thank you for writing this and Cayden said they cried during my monologue they loved this character it was a lot and they almost had to leave the theatre when that happened but they stayed. Colin sends me a link to a book of trans plays. I know I’m not the only person putting nonbinary and trans characters onstage but I am the only one I know personally. Someday I won’t be and someday characters like Aster can just exist without needing to be teaching devices but for now Aster and I will keep fighting to be heard and believed.

And maybe all of the words I use to describe myself and my experiences are confusing I know people have a lot of opinions about labels and why people might use them and some people think that too many labels is restricting why can’t you just use queer it’s simpler you’re putting yourself in a box. But I never understood myself before I had these words I had all of the things I was supposed to do so people would like me so I could be normal so I could be understood and understand my friends but I still felt alone because I didn’t understand and that’s what restricted me really. These words are how I learned to understand myself they’re how I learned I could be what I wanted instead of existing in service of other people’s comfort. And yeah labels can change I know mine have a few times but that’s not a good enough reason not to believe me I don’t care if it’s confusing for you I just want you to believe me. I understand myself. I have these words and I can understand myself and believe myself and it’s important to somebody else that I say these words so loudly because three years ago Jay told me at a party that the way I’m so open about being nonbinary helps other people accept themselves and because this year Aster meant something important to nonbinary audience members and because my friends tell me first when they think they might be on the asexual or aromantic spectrums and now some of them can define amatonormativity because I talk about it all the time and I’m so proud when they do and they say “I know this word because Alex uses it all the time” and I know there’s a reason why I’m so loud and I don’t care if it’s confusing for people who are determined to misunderstand me.

And maybe someday my loudness and my unshaking belief in my own queerness will transfer over to the other parts of my existence nobody wants to believe. I really like the word neurodivergent it saves me from “I-think-I-have-something-I-haven’t-been-diagnosed-ever-but-something’s-definitely-up-and-I’m-definitely-mentally-ill-normal-people-don’t-have-panic-attacks-that-often” because when you’re not diagnosed nobody believes you and when you’re mostly functional nobody believes you and when you’re good enough at masking nobody believes you so I don’t ask for help when I can’t finish my assignments because nobody will believe me I’ve just been letting myself fail because I’m not sure if I even believe myself it’s the capitalism and ableism of it all.

But I’m really trying to make the translation I talk about my special interest even though I get made fun of for it I stim even though I get made fun of for it I don’t mask as often and I ask my friends to explain the things I can’t understand and they do and they’re starting to recognize when I won’t understand something and they’re ready to explain because they believe me and I refuse to let people talk down to me just because they’ve internalized the infantilization of neurodivergent behaviors. I reschedule my obligations when I can’t get out of bed and I tell them I don’t feel well I thank them for their understanding and I’m trying not to lie about when I feel bad. And this neurodivergency is starting to come out in my acting work just like my queerness I let Aster happy stim onstage and I let them not understand social cues and when I was invited to join the juniors’ movement class for their clowning unit I discovered a clown named Terrence who is very young and is always told to stop fidgeting and Chelsea and I are very excited about this clown (clowning practice is actually very deep and philosophical about the true self and stuff it’s fun).

So I think my queerness and my disability are co-constituted in a way because they both exist in a space of not being believed or taken seriously and of being infantilized and of people trying to exert control over how I’m allowed to manifest my existence and I think co-existing in that space makes them feed into each other. And they both exist in a space of knowing I need to be so loud about it and fight so hard to be treated how I know I deserve because people should believe me and people should believe queer and disabled people and I’m gonna make that happen even if I annoy the shit out of everyone around me.