There are some days where I know I am this intelligent, capable, hardworking woman I strive to be. But on most days, I find myself doubting those facts. I find myself wondering how I even made it this far? If I were so smart, why do I feel so dumb all the damn time?
As a woman in computer science, I often doubt my own capabilities. I feel like I am slower at understanding basic concepts in comparison to other students. I feel like I am always lost and the deadweight of the group. Any high scores on any exams I received were out of luck. Maybe my friends were deceived, I don’t know what I am doing. I just think I am so incompetent in everything I do.
Maybe they are right, I don’t deserve to be in this field.
But in reality, that is far from the truth. Yet, I still cannot seem to accept that I am much more capable than I think I am. I was fortunate enough to obtain a paid software development internship before I even finished my freshman spring semester here at UMBC and have been working with them even up until my present-day junior year. As impressive as it sounds, I feel like I didn’t deserve it. It was the beginning of the pandemic, surely other graduates would be better qualified. I’m going to disappoint them. It was dumb luck. I’m probably unqualified. I feel like I always have to ask questions and it makes me look even more incompetent. That they only chose me to fulfill a diversity quota. And even in events when I have received multiple scholarships that prove that I am a high achieving computer science student, I still doubt myself. It was pure luck. They made a mistake. They made multiple mistakes choosing me.
This my friends, is the textbook example of impostor syndrome. According to Arlin Cuncic of Very Well Mind, impostor Syndrome is the internal experience where you feel like your own successes and achievements are fraudulent because you don’t believe you are “not as competent and others perceive you to be.” The feeling where you only got to where you are out of dumb luck and circumstance.
But being in this field, I also feel like I need to work twice as hard to prove myself, especially because I’m a girl. I have to prove that I belong here. There are times I can think of where I would waste hours working with a group of guys, only to be silenced or ignored. I could propose the correct solution, but they will ignore it for hours, only to concede and say, “oh I guess that’s it.” I can remember my first day here on campus, I walked into my COMP101Y class to discover I was the only girl there. (Ultimately there were actually 3 other girls in the class and half of the class were just in the wrong room). I’ve always felt like I had to make my body “smaller” in the room to make room for the men who are supposed to be here. That I’m inconveniencing them for taking up space as if I don’t have a right to be there too.
But I am not the impostor I think I am. I have every right to take up the space in the room because I worked hard to be here too. Plus, I forget that other people in this room struggled just as much as I do, even if I don’t see it.
Unruly Bodies 
Okay first of all, you’re absolutely killing it and I’m really really proud. Woohoo for women in stem. Second, I know exactly how you feel. Throughout my entire college career, or just school in general, I have chalked up all of my accomplishments and success to my ability to “finesse.” But the truth is, we deserve to be where we’ve gotten and we’ve worked so hard to be there. I am wondering if because we don’t see much representation of women in computer science, that it (subconsciously) further contributes to your feeling of not belonging there. I know it can be really really difficult, but please try to remind yourself that you are exactly where you need to be, and all of your own hard work and dedication is what got you there.
Hi, thank you for this post. As a fellow woman in stem, I understand this feeling and I want you to know you are not alone. This semester I am graduating, and let me tell you the entirety of college I struggled. I struggled to understand, I struggled to fit in and feel worthy. I was undermined when asked questions. Its brutal being a woman in stem. But, never ever give up. Seriously. I’m so glad I didnt let anything stand in my way because like I said, I’m graduating. I’m shocked I completed this degree, and not only that, but in a month I get to start my dream job. You’ll reach this position too, you’ll complete your degree and you’ll land in the spot of your dreams and you’ll feel worlds better for it knowing you did it all against the odds. Good luck, you got this!
Firstly, don’t talk about yourself that way, because we all learn at different paces. Also, as a fellow stem major, I can totally rekate to this because there are days where i wonder what happened to me, as i feel my intelligence may have dwindled, but it doesn’t last very well. We got this ! You’re not alone.
As someone who ended up switching out of a STEM major, I salute you! It certainly presents it’s own unique challenges, especially when you face discrimination. You definitely deserve to be there. I believe in you!