Author: savyjaye

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Lately, something has been going on…

I know there is something wrong with me, and I have no idea what it is. I’ve had generalized anxiety disorder since I was a child and depression since I was 9 years old. I didn’t received medication until I was 18 and I’ve only had therapy once or twice- it did not work. Over the past two years, my medication has given me a life I’ve never known, one with happiness and freedom. I didn’t have the weight in my chest and the pain in my lungs that I’d lived with for the first 18 years of my life. I had to learn who I was all over again, a me separate from my mental illnesses.

I knew that it wasn’t going to magically go away, that my issues were ones that I would battle for the rest of my life. I would have ups and downs, periods of anxiety and sadness, and constant battles with my own mind. But they would be significantly less frequent and debilitating, and I could get through them with hope for a future rather than a wish to end. I could handle them much better, and I have been over the past two years. Overall, even though the pandemic has been a terrible time for many, I’ve literally never been this happy in my life.

Lately, something has been creeping back. Perhaps it never fully went away. I think- I know- there is something else that is not being treated. Why does my brain still intrusively tell me that people hate me? That I am a burden? That I will never be anything to anyone? If my anxiety is lessened, and my depression is lower, why are these feelings coming back? I’ve talked to people, I’ve done my mental exercises, and I’ve taken time to care for myself. I did and continue to do all of the things I’ve done over the past two years when I felt myself slipping back into the anxiety and depression. But lately, it hasn’t been enough.

I inquired to a therapy place, but they have no room. They can only accept out-of-pocket pay, which I can’t afford. I’ve got a small list, but I am not optimistic. I think my symptoms and feelings are a sign of PTSD, but I can’t be certain without a diagnosis. Part of me just wants an answer so I can get the treatment- therapy, a pill, something. But getting the answers seems impossible right now, and healthcare won’t cover what doesn’t have a diagnosis. I’m afraid of slipping again, because I can recognize the signs now and I can’t seem to stop it.

I’m not sure why I felt emboldened to write so personally tonight- perhaps it’s because it’s late, or this is the final post, or I’m just throwing a line out to get something in return. But if anyone has any resources, let me know. Tonight, I am okay and I’m doing good. But lately, I’ve needed some help.

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Intersectionality of Sex Toys

Sex- its a topic we all usually come to discuss once in our lives. Whether we are thinking about it, having it, or staying away from it, sex happens. Historically, sex has been LGBTQ+ inclusive as there were not major laws or restrictions in place to prevent those of the same sex or gender from being together. However, things were much more discriminatory in terms of race or social class. In the early 19th and 20th centuries, sex became a sinful topic to discuss in the United States. You were immoral if you had sex outside of marriage or for nonprocreative purposes. Sex ceases to be intersectional, for the majority of the States.

In the 21st century, sex is widely discussed and accepted. People are not afraid to shy away from the topic, and they proudly accepted who they are. Not that this is the case for everyone, but for many people. The importance of today’s topics of sex is the core idea of intersectionality- that we make sex accessible to everyone, regardless of gender, sex, race, orientation, or ability. I chose to discuss this topic, as I discovered one of my new favorite websites that promotes sexual health and wellness, with safety and inclusivity in mind. The site is called Spectrum Boutique, and they provide sex toys and forums for people of all types with no judgement. The reason I love this site is because they do not just make the standard penis and vagina toys for cisgendered straight people- no, they make every single item you could imagine under the sun. They make items that are straight, curved, twisted, move, pop, sparkle, and glow in the dark. There are no standards, no gender labels, and no rules. They describe items as being best for people with x, y, or z sex organ, but they do not label as “for men” or “for women”. They have amazing blogs where you can explore various topics, sex related or not. My favorite part is that they also have items for people with disabilities. People seem to forget that people with disabilities are still sexual beings, who have sex. This website allows for people to find things that can assist them in making sex more enjoyable.

Our bodies are all made differently, and they all enjoy different things. Spectrum Boutique allows for the freedom to find something you’ll love, regardless of who you are or how you’re shaped. Sex is not taboo, it is a part of life.

My Cat, the Asshole
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My Cat, the Asshole

Two months ago, my boyfriend and I adopted our first cat together. I have never owned a cat before, and was never really comfortable around them despite always wanting one. My boyfriend had had a family cat, but had not had much experiencing taking care of it as he took care of the family dog. We thought about waiting a few months, as we had just moved in together the month prior and knew owning a cat was a big commitment. But then, we saw him: Noodles. He was three months old and had been returned to his adoption agency as he was being bullied by the other cats at his home. I applied for approval to adopt, and was accepted the same day we first saw his picture. That very afternoon, we took him home.

Now, we knew that this was not the most responsible thing to do. We had been googling and talking to cat owners for a bit to get an idea of what to expect, how to take care of him, and the financial responsibility of his care. But when we held him for the first time and he fell asleep in our arms, we knew he was the one. You may be thinking, “Well, this seems pretty sweet so far. How does this make him an asshole?” and dear reader of this blog, I will tell you.

Noodles has grown quiet comfortable here in his new home, which we are both grateful for. He is also a kitten, so he is extremely playful. I want to share a list of the good, and the bad, my boyfriend and I have discovered while owning a cat.

The Good: the right cat will cuddle you endlessly, curling up on your body no matter where it may be. I’ve woken up multiple times with a three pound furry weight on my chest that I’m always too tired to move. The first meows he does in your presence will melt your heart into a puddle. His fur will be your new face mask, and his toe beans will rest in your fingers for hours. As an added bonus, our cat plays fetch AND murders bugs for us. I see this as a win-win. He explores on his own, he eats when he wants, and he poops in a box. Owning a cat is extremely easy if you have patience and love to give, and we have plenty. He will be your bestfriend on the worst days, and will follow you anywhere- even in our case, into the shower.

The Bad: reader of this post, do you enjoy sleeping peacefully at night in the comfort of your bed? Well guess what? It’s biting time, bitch. Say goodbye to ever laying under a blanket without teeth sinking into your feet. Own a cat? Invest in band-aids. You will find cuts you didn’t even know you had. While the biting it painful, the claws are worse. It is playful to have a cat nibble on you, but if you’re not expecting it then it is startling. You can no longer go to the bathroom in private, as your personal lap warmer needs to be there with you. If you get lucky, he’ll sit in your pants that are resting at your ankles instead of on your bare thighs. The loving meow now turns into your alarm clock, usually around 3 am and 6 am- hours before you even wake up. Learn what the meaning of “zoomies” is, and prepare to piss your pants every five minutes when the cat has them. Also, at least once in your life, your cat WILL fall into the shower with you. When it happens, you’ll know the meaning of Naked and Afraid. The cat and fear are your new bestfriends.

If you want my advice, adopt a cat. It will be one of the best, and most terrifying, choices you’ll ever make. He will be the love of your life, and the bane of your existence.

Mom, It’s Not a Phase
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Mom, It’s Not a Phase

This is going to be another gay story. If you don’t want to hear the self expression and journey of a queer, nonbinary human, please skip to the end where I reflect back on how I’ve made it in life and all is well in the world.

I knew I was attracted to men and women when I was 12 years old. I didn’t know much about being LGBT, but I just knew that I had crushes on girls and boys. Being in 6th grade, I liked to think I was the gay pioneer of my class. In a way, I was, as I was the first person to come out publicly in my grade. Of course, that means I was the target of bullying. I had to keep my eyes on the locker when changing in the dressing room, as every girl thought I was attracted to them. I didn’t have the voice to express that that wasn’t even remotely how attraction works. This also made me an oddity to boys as they knew I wasn’t a man but, because I like girls, I couldn’t possibly be a “proper” female. During this time, I developed the twisted idea that I couldn’t love a girl if I was feminine. I started to dress in men’s clothing and imaged myself in the body of a man. I had no concept of gender fluidity, only that there was men and there was women.

Over the course of my three years in middle school, more and more people began to come out of the closet. By the time I reached high school, it wasn’t strange to be gay anymore. Around then, I figured out that it wasn’t just men and women I fell for, but all different kinds of people. It didn’t matter to me what your gender was, what your genitals were, or what you looked like. In the shortest of terms, I changed my label to pansexual. People didn’t entirely know what this meant either, only that it was outside the normal. My gender expression developed as well. I learned that it was okay to be masculine and feminine, and it did not mean you were any less of a person because if it.

Three months ago, I changed my pronouns to they/them. It doesn’t feel right to be referred to as female, but I definitely know I’m not a man. It’s okay for me to be feminine and it’s okay for me to be masculine. It is okay for me to be both and express myself outwardly that way. For another time in my life, people are learning to figure me out. And while it has gone well so far, there have been bumps in the road. So, I suppose, all is not well in the world and I’ve not quite made it in life just yet. But I’m working on it.