I grew up as a big sister. This role consisted of my unpaid labor, such as housework and childcare. In my house lived my single mom who worked 12+ hours a day and my little sister that is 5 years younger than me. Growing up, my friends never wanted to come over because my mom would ask us to clean the house and I was never in a position to say no. At other friends’ houses, it was always to clean up after ourselves which I especially didn’t mind doing. But one day, I realized that boys my age were rarely given this responsibility.
It feels so dumb to think that I was so upset about cleaning, but the extent of unequal treatment I felt still persists today. I saw my male classmates running around outside while the girls stayed behind and pushed in our chairs, put our stuff away, and followed directions. I saw my friends’ brothers run to play video games right after a meal while my friends and I would scrape our plates and at least put them in the sink. I saw my male cousins never once offer to do dishes, and my aunt always accepted that she would after spending hours cooking a dinner that she didn’t even eat.
On top of that, my parents have always expected me, as the big sister, to understand why they hate each other. My divorced parents put me in the middle of their ‘friendly communication’ for 15 years. I’ve heard whining from both sides about how awful and unreasonable the other is being, and I am supposed to give advice and agree. When I ignore it, they feel bad but continue a few hours later. It’s a loop I’ve been stuck in that gets better until it doesn’t (and trust me, I’ve tried EVERYTHING).
All the emotional and reproductive labor I have done in my life makes me wish I was born a boy (I’m delighted to think that all of the mental anguish I’ve been through could be resolved if so). Although it’s an unrealistic thought, it lets me imagine what could’ve been, without my life’s pervasive reproductive and emotional labor. I wish I was a boy without a care in the world, who could eat mud pies and play with worms. Instead, I had to be clean and calm which has defined my past.
Unruly Bodies 
As a fellow older sister and oldest child, this really resonates with me. It is truly astounding to take a step back and realize how much weight and pressure society puts on daughters especially growing up. I am very close with my mother and she was also an oldest daughter, so as I’ve gotten older this is something we have had the opportunity to discuss more in depth. What’s truly shocking is that even though we have this shared experience, my mother even recognizes a lot of the unfair pressure she and my father (inadvertently) put on me as opposed to my younger brother when we were younger. It is so interesting how we all just default to these assumptions that girls will do more and succeed independently and care for others with no compensation of any sort. Looking back during these times I’ve talked with my mom we’ve both seen so many instances where I had vastly more pressure on my shoulders and far less support than my younger brother and that just “is the way it is”. But this always makes me wonder why it “is the way it is”. Or if it has to be- because I have been so jealous of my male peers just as you said and I so sincerely hope we can work on shifting the way society perceives us daughters.
First, where did you get that picture? It’s absurd. I, too, agree with what you’re saying. As an older sister, I never considered the emotional and reproductive labor that went into me growing up. I especially agreed with the part about being in the middle of my parents’ ‘friendly communication’. Your desire to have been born a boy is a compelling way to express how pervasive and exhausting these expectations are. I often wonder how this will affect my relationships as an adult.
Your reflection is incredibly powerful and relatable. Growing up as the responsible big sister often comes with a heavy burden, and it’s frustrating to see how societal expectations can place so much on girls while allowing boys more freedom. Your experiences highlight the inequalities that many of us face, especially in family dynamics, where emotional labor and household responsibilities often fall on our shoulders.I appreciate how you’ve expressed the internal conflict of wanting to be carefree while also being expected to take on such significant roles. It’s heartbreaking to feel like your childhood was overshadowed by the responsibilities you took on. Your story shines a light on the need for conversations about fairness and the importance of recognizing everyone’s contributions in the household, regardless of gender. I hope sharing your experience brings you some relief and connects you with others who have felt similarly. It’s a step toward breaking these patterns and advocating for a more balanced approach to responsibilities, both at home and in society. Your voice matters, and your perspective can help inspire change. Thank you for sharing such a personal and thought-provoking narrative.