Author: The Guinea Pig Queen

Why me?
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Why me?

Why me? I ask myself this question everyday why was I born so sick? Why was a born with these mental and physical struggles? Why do I feel so different like I don’t belong here? Why did I not die a birth? Why did I live instead?

These are things that I ask myself when my depression/ anxiety speak for themselves. I fight them back every day each day goes by it get a bit easier since starting therapy and getting medicine. Even so it still a fight, I for so long was afraid to seek help due to being suicidal I was afraid they would lock me away and throw away the key, like they do to so many others. I had personal connection to this fear my mom had an aunt who was sent away to the mental hospital back in the late 60s, to this day no one has any idea what happen to her once she was sent away no one heard from her or saw her again. This is something that is not just history it still happens to people today, but no one know or speaks about it. This why many people fear asking for help they don’t want to be taken away thrown in a hospital and have all their basic human rights stripped from them.

Solitary confinement is a cruel/inhumane punishment they put not just prisoners through but also those with mental struggles. They say to protect them, but it is to control them this does not help a prisoner reform nor help someone with mental health recover it only make these issues worse. Although has been some improvement but nowhere enough and it only improved for those of certain class and race.

Invisible Disabilities
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Invisible Disabilities

ng disabled in any contact in a non disability friendly society is hard. I would be classified as having a disability that is not visual.  I have learning issues and was born with medical issues to the point of needing a liver transplant at the age of 2 and needing my spleen removed in 11th grade in 2013. This is not visible but due to these health issues I have always been behind my grade level. As for many if not all people who have any type of disability, people tend to give you “pity” or praise for doing the simplistic things.  Although most times it is people trying to be nice it is dehumanizing and hurts/irritates me and many others. The documentary we watched is nice being able to have somewhere to go where you can be yourself since when you are disabled you are often not allowed to have the same things or experiences the same thing as a “normal” person. As for myself not having a visible disability I was not shield from these opportunities but at same time this is complicated because it was not as noticeable I was not offered the help I needed when I was young would never really get much help until I was in my late 20s when I had advocated for myself it even still I feel I am not completely diagnosed therefore do not get all the help I need but i have unfortunately accepted I will never be able to truly know what it like not to struggle so much intellectually, mentally or physically. 

Even with my accepts of my situation I think it is important to unite together to change things for the better for the next generation, like how they did in the video the civil right activist and black panthers helped those in the disability rights movement because they both had a goal in common of wanting to be treated equal and treated like human bringing and not monsters who are less then.

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Beyond Labels

Label the foundation of modern society. Why is labeling yourself or someone so important? Why does it matter so much to someone what my gender or sexuality is? I never really thought about this until recently and the more I think about it the more I question everything. When I was young, I always assumed I was a girl and straight but as I got older and learned more about myself, I learned that no I am not. I learned more about myself. I would describe myself as gender fluid, pansexual and asexual. At the same time labels are not that important to me when come to gender personally but as for sexuality it matter more because I have been with a man for a few years and because of this many people assume I am straight when I tell them I’m pan they seemed confused why I be with a man this irritates me internally because it make me feel like I am not a part of the LGBTQ+ community this way of thinking I have faced more by those in the community then thoughts outside of the community.

Until I started back at college in fall of 2023 when I met the amazing group of people I love dearly I always felt like an outsider I did not feel wanted in the LGBTQ+ community nor the straight people community I felt like I was just drifting in space in a way, this not feeling like I belong the more I go to therapy and work on myself the ,ore I realized this sense of not belonging truly affected me. In the book nonbinary I relate with many of the stories although myself am not nonbinary the questioning of faith and the not feeling like I belong and the questioning of why labeling matters so much. No matter if you feel labels are important to you personally or not, I think things like this should be spoken about more in society, so people like me and many others know they are not alone and feel like they belong somewhere in this strange world we live in.

Pansexual and Genderfluid flag.

Be your authentic self always

Truly Unruly Body (Medical Trauma)
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Truly Unruly Body (Medical Trauma)

Phenomenology this is the theory is the study of structures of consciousness as experienced from the first-person point of view. The central structure of an experience is its intentionality, its being directed toward something, as it is an experience of or about some object. In simple terms is each person can experience the same thing but due to their past have a completely different view of this experience. For me this help me better understand my own unruly body, I personally have been sick since birth I had rare disease that caused my main vein to my liver to fail as a baby in turn cause me to need a liver transplant at only 2 years old, due to this I was often sick and in and out of the hospital for many different things. With this being stated I have a lot of medical trauma that yes what they did was for the best but as a child you do not completely understand why they are doing the things to your body that hurt or our uncomfortable. This trauma I never really thought was there until I started to go to therapy and learn more about the body and mind through going back to school.

Sex a very common thing for most couples to engage in I personally have been with someone for many years but have never taken that step even though there is a desire to do so. Why? Well through this concept of Phenomenology and going to therapy it has helped me see that because of my medical trauma my body react to physical touch very negatively. I will tense up from head to toe and shut down internally this occurs suddenly and is completely out my control my body take control. I used to tense up if anyone tried to hug me as a child through teenage years due to this trauma I have been able to work through that but still struggle with physical touch outside of a hug. It is very frustrated has caused friction between me and my partner, but they have stayed by myside through this. I hope that in future we can take the next step in our relationship, and my body can learn to accept and trust physical touch again.