As the semester comes to an end, and a much needed break is nearly within our grasp, there is still one more dreadful week we as students need to get through. Finals. This week is dreaded by students as the seasons begin to change and we realize that winter is here, which means so the hardest weeks of our lives. Personally, this semester, I only have one in person final, and 4 other final papers to write as well. Not only do two of my papers land on the same day, my in person final isn’t until the very last day of the semester, giving me plenty of time to stress out over it everyday!

The thought of taking a final itself is mentally draining. We as a society put so much pressure on ourselves to do the best possible on these tests that determine our final grades in classes we spent months trying to accomplish. This causes an extreme amount of stress on a person. I’m not a good test taker to begin with, add the fact that this test can determine whether or not I pass a class? That’s a recipe for disaster. I also watch it happen to all of my friends. We go from these joyful moods of school nearly being over for Christmas, to falling into finals week depression. We sit and we stress over trick questions and open answered questions and for what? To find out how good we did in a class that may have no relevance to my degree.

Not only is finals week mentally draining, it is physically draining too. I look back on my freshman year, I had one final left and then I was good to go home. It just so happened that it was going to be my hardest final. I was cramming months worth of work into a couple weeks of trying to remember every formula and rule I have ever learned for this class. My eyes are barely open from staring at screen and my hands can’t bare to do another math problem. I stay up all night studying trying to prep myself. When I finally do get to go to sleep, I wake up throughout the night in fear that I am going to sleep through my 8am final the next morning. So I go to the final, I take the test and I walk out feeling very not confident. Next I have to go home and face my parents who constantly ask me what my final grades are and why I can’t do well on these tests. The only answers I have is that the stress physically causes my body anxiety and I can’t function during these tests. This is something that happens to so many students at the end of the semester and our already drained and fatigued bodies can only take so much from the stress these taxing tests give us.

Thanks for coming to my little end of the semester rant, I’m gonna get to work stressing about all my papers now.

Each day we walk through life and see all these different people. I love to people watch. I find it enjoyable to sit and walk people interact and wonder what’s going on in their heads as they go about their every day life. Sometimes you see people do funny things and you have no explanation as to why they may be doing it. Sometimes they may be build a little different in the mind than you are and you might not be able to see it at first, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

I struggle with anxiety everyday but if I’m being honest you would probably never notice. If someone was watching me go through my every day life, they would probably see someone who looks confident about everything they do, but in reality, it is quite the opposite. I wake up every morning with my heart rate elevated and the feeling that something just isn’t quite right. As I go on with my day I question everything I do, wondering if its right or wrong. I am horrified to get called on class, be the first one to present or even speak when it comes to a subject I don’t know too much about. Even when I’m in my element at soccer practice, my heart rate is through the roof when it comes to being the next person up in line or having to respond to a question my coach asks. When all these moments in my life happen, I get through them, but not without internal struggle. Before each moment happens and it’s my turn to go, my heart starts to race and my mind starts to wonder. What if I mess up? What if I say the wrong thing? Should I do this instead? These are just a few of the worries that shoot through my mind. Constantly wondering if I’m going to make it through the duration of the day.

This is something that so many people deal with, but so few people would know. We only see what is on the outside, and naturally as humans when someone looks fine on the outside, we presume they are just fine on the inside as well. You might be reading this thinking you are experiencing the same thing, and I just want you to know that you are seen are you are heard. Every one experiences this life differently, and that is perfectly okay.

Why is asking for help so difficult? As long as I can remember I literally never want to ask for help. In my mind, I always feel like my problem just aren’t deemed important enough to need someone else to help me. But why do I feel like that? So many people ask for help every day and it is never an issue so why can’t I?

This past year I had my 4th ACL surgery. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it is a major knee surgery. It wasn’t my first time going through this kind of thing, I knew what to expect. I knew I was going to be on crutches for 6 week and I wasn’t going to be able to walk, yet why would I ask for anyone to help me? It pained me to have to ask people to grab simple things for me or drive me from one place to another. I literally couldn’t walk. It was okay for me to ask for help, yet I still didn’t want to because I felt like a burden to friends constantly needing someone around. It wasn’t until my boyfriend and my best friend stopped waiting for me to ask for help, they would just already be there to do anything I needed. I wish I could figure out why I didn’t want to just ask for some help on tasks I knew I couldn’t handle and I had people around me to help.

I feel like sometimes as a society we don’t want to ask for help when we need it because we don’t want to be seen as weak. Or maybe that’s just me? I think I just hate having to rely on other people. I am a very independent person, but even so, there are so so many people that care enough to help me, yet I just don’t accept it. For instance my dad asks me everyday, when are you gonna get a math tutor? I answer every time saying “soon” knowing very well I am not going to get one even though I need one yet I just refuse to ask for help. Maybe I am just afraid of not being able to take everything on by myself? Maybe my own insecurities? I feel like I am making life way more difficult for myself.

From the day you are born society is always going to be telling you what you should look like and how you should act. But in reality, it is really up to you how you want to want to look. Growing up as an athlete I had always noticed I had thighs that were a little bigger than all the other girls, and shoulders that were a little broader. When I was high school I never thought anything of it because I still looked like everyone else. With social media giving me all the information on how my body should look and I was still fitting into that category. Sure my body was a little more filled out but I still looked like most of the girls on the internet. Before I knew it, I was committed to play my sport at a division one level which had always been my goal as an athlete. Something you tend to forget when your a freshman in college is that you could be competing against girls who are now 4-5 years older than you, and have been working out that much more than you.

When I first came into college, I weighed roughly 135 pounds. I liked the way I looked. Slim in all the right places from what social media had me to believe. But I didn’t come to college to just look how I thought people wanted me to, I came to get an education and succeed as an athlete. Before I knew it, I was in the weight room 3 times a week lifting weights I didn’t know I could lift. By the end of my freshman year, I had gained so much muscle in every aspect of my body, I weighed 147 pounds.

All the sudden I don’t look like every model being posted on instagram. My thighs, arms, shoulders, everything on my body was different from everything social media was depicting us to be. You start to lose your mind a little bit when you look one way and begin to believe that society would no longer deem you as “attractive” or “normal”. With this leads to so many unhealthy aspects of life. When it would come to refueling my body, I would say “I’m not hungry” or lie about already eating just to save myself a few pounds that. I felt like I didn’t need. It becomes a constant battle with your mind everyday you step on the scale and feel like you weigh to much when in reality your body needs that to protect itself. As an athlete, your body needs hat extra bit of protein at a meal, and it needs that extra muscle on your bones to prevent injury in any way it can. It wasn’t until this year that it fully clicked in my mind how much my body needs this extra muscle to protect itself. Trying to put yourself into a mindset that is okay to not be as social media may tell you to and let your body be what is best for you. My body is at the strongest point it has ever been at because I allowed myself to just let go and do what is best for me. So many not only female athletes but all athletes struggle with this concept and I feel like it is not nearly talked about enough.