Ever since when I was in Kindergarten, I would develop little crushes on boys. I would feel very weird about this feeling because I was a boy myself and I would think that boy who crush on other boys was not normal because the norm was opposite genders were suppose to crush on each other. I knew that I was different in terms of romantic interest when I was a young boy but I had no idea what was the specific term was for my attraction to the same sex and I did not what to identify as. When I was growing up, I had a lot of male friends that I would play with. I would participate in a lot of “male” activities where other boys would like to express their masculinity a lot. They would always tell other boys stuff like “That’s so gay.” or using the F word to call them out on something is not so masculine or weak. When I was little, I did not necessarily know what those terms meant at the time. It was not until people would question my sexuality asking me “Are you gay?” that I kind of interpreted what what my sexuality is and what it meant. I started to get the idea that homosexuality especially in males was looked down upon and not welcomed in society. I also remember one time when I was a pretty young kid, I was over my Uncle house and we had decided to go to church one morning. My Uncle had heard something on the radio while he was driving my siblings and I to church and the topic had something to do with homosexuality. My Uncle turns to us and basically tells that homosexuality is never ok and is not how God wants us to be like. Homosexuality back then was very frowned upon in society and I think sometimes Christianity can portray it as being a big no no which is sad because I am a Christian myself. Also, a lot of kids back in the day in grade school will torment and bully kids if they subjected any feminine traits in boys. I feel like because of this and the fact that homosexuality is not really talked about enough in society, growing up I always thought homosexuality had negative connotation so that’s why I ended being in closet about my sexuality until after High School when I was 18 (I am 23 years old now). One of the main reasons why myself lacked the knowledge other sexuality identities and sexual orientations other then my own is because grade school or society in general never really brought up LGBTQIA+ views at all because of the topic being very sensitive. I feel like it is not until more recently that TV Shows, movies, social media, news, and other sources have expressed and supported LGBTQIA+ more in society. Around the time when I was in High School, I would start to notice other boys who were like me as well girls who identified as Lesbian and transgendered individuals. I would see that some were very open about their sexuality and I started watching a lot coming out videos on YouTube across the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Gaining more knowledge of the community encouraged me to finally came out of the closet to my family. I use to think homosexuality was like a crime in society, now seeing different sexual identities and sexual orientations and the support of LGBTQIA+ rights by straight people also, I feel that it is most important that people should be comfortable in their own skin at the end of day and never hide your true self. 

Wow, I never would have guessed, you don’t look autistic. Are you high functioning? You must be, my little brother is high functioning… I couldn’t believe that I was being asked that in the middle of a party. Language surrounding autism and other ‘disorders’ is so, and i cannot emphasize this enough, important to learn, especially when you interact with people from that community on a daily basis. Language surrounding autism in particular has changed a lot over the past decade as people with autism have stepped more into the spotlight of entertainment media and social conversations.

This idea of “looking” autistic is absurd to me, and the idea of not looking disabled stems from related disability to intellectual or physical disability. It’s so interesting to me that people feel the need to comment on my ability to blend in due, in part, to pretty privilege. My attractiveness helps me further mask my autism, and although that is in part a privilege, it also assists in further disabling me in many social situations. By not looking autistic people assume that I view and function the same as them within social situations, specifically when it comes to communication. I am so tired of having to put every ounce of effort into deciphering the hidden meanings of the actions of neurotypical people. Unless something is clearly communicated to me, I will misinterpret what you want and are expecting of me. Being autistic, I am prone to being manipulated, and I find that happening to myself over and over again. People take advantage of the fact that I am autistic without even meaning to, and I end up anxious due to not understanding the social expectations of me.

This post was honestly going to be more positive, and was going to be an attempt at educating non autistic people about my autism, but to be honest, I am tired of having to be the bigger person and practice patience when it comes to people being ignorant about the existence of my autism as well as basic terminology surrounding it. As a person who is the part of a marginalized community, such as the disabled community, it should not be our job to educate people on our condition. Unfortunately, that task does usually fall to the marginalized community. As someone who doesn’t look disabled, whatever that may mean, I am able to blend in if I want, I don’t always have to be clocked as disabled by others. This makes me feel as though I owe something to the wider disabled community and should be the one educating others, which I have to remind myself is not true. I wish the abled community took a bigger interest in educating themselves on how to interact with people with disabilities, whether they may be physical, intellectual or mental.