food

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Bad relationship with food

Trigger warning: overeating

Lately I feel so bad after I eat. Eating as a chubby woman is stressful. I don’t get why I feel so bad about the way I eat just because I’m chubby, when there is skinny women who eat the same things I do freely. Whether it’s me obsessing over how much I ate or how what I ate effected me, its too much. I have a problem I guess. I overeat until my stomach hurts. I do it every time and I know I should stop eating. There’s a voice in my head that says stop eating and I ignore it all the time. I’m just so hungry and I enjoy eating so much. Sometimes I feel its the only thing during the day that makes me happy.

This has caused me to gain some weight of course. I also have developed Gastrointestinal Reflux Disease. I have constant acid reflux. Not only that but, my esophagus and stomach hurt often from how much I eat or because of what I ate. But for some reason I’m just so hungry. I know some of it is emotional eating. But I also have a hormonal disorder that causes me to gain weight easily while having trouble to lose that weight. This condition is called PCOS.

I genuinely want a better relationship with food but I don’t know how. The healthy choice is there but I chose the one that will fill my stomach the most. Lately I’ve tried to add more fiber and protein into my diet so I don’t feel the need to eat so much. And this has helped tremendously. I am also trying to listen to the voice that tells me to stop eating because I’m full. My body isn’t telling me that to hurt me or deprive me. I need to listen to my body more. I think one day I will figure it out one day but in the process I am going to try not to be mean to myself and to accept myself.

(If anyone has any tips to help with an undying appetite please comment haha.)

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Bodies, Self-Esteem, and Sex in “My Mad Fat Diary”

trigger warning: weight, body image, self-hate, suicide mention

Recently, actress Sharon Rooney who plays Rae Earl on the UK TV show My Mad Fat Diary announced that the show is returning for a third season. MMFD is allll about bodies. Rae Earl is the protagonist of the show, a fat sixteen-year-old girl dealing with not only her weight and low self-esteem but also with mental illness. She has a tough push-and-pull relationship with her mother, and a father that is out of the picture.

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A Thanksgiving Reflection.

Not too long ago, I became extremely aware of the food I put into my body. This isn’t to say I started a diet, or that I am eating healthier as a result of this awareness — or that my eating habits have changed at all. But maybe a year ago, I realized that I eat animals and other things that come from their bodies, and it started to make me sick.

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“Table for one, please” “Waiting for someone?” “No”

Why is it so wrong for a body to be alone during a meal time? Why does a body have to be around other people during meals? It might seem strange but I have always enjoyed the occasional “out to eat with myself” for breakfast lunch or dinner.

One time I went to Waffle House for breakfast, since my boyfriend isn’t a morning person I decided to go alone. When I got there the perky little seventeen something hostess asked how many. I said one. Her demeanor changed from chipper to confused, to sympathetic as she led me to my corner table. As I was ordering she asked if anyone else will be eating breakfast with me for the second time I said no, just me. She asked me why go out when you are not meeting anyone. I replied “I enjoy eating by myself from time to time. Then I don’t have to worry about meaningless small talk or comfortable silences. It is some time for myself” after my  little chat with her she left me to get my pancakes I pulled out a book and started to do homework. I got my food, she refilled me coffee more times that I needed, I left her a nice tip and I left.

I don’t understand why a person needs to eat around other people all the time. It may be a pack mentality, where we need to strive for a sense of belonging as we down greasy burgers and french fries.  I have no idea why eating solo was a big deal for my waitress that day but it just got me thinking why we view someone as lonely, sad, standoffish, bitchy,or depressed when they choose to have some time for themselves.

Whew, well that felt good to vent.

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Huzzah!!!

Another year, another turkey leg at the annual Renaissance festival.  These types of festivals have always been dear to me- it’s served as a great source of entertainment and escape.  For those of you that don’t already know, Renaissance festivals are a unique gateway to another realm- a portal that transports its participants to a time period complete with medieval costumes, games, merchandise and food (lots of food).  Customers are encouraged to be themselves and dress up according to the time period-it’s a day to shed whatever rules and regulations the outside world requires and to eat, drink and be merry in a safe atmosphere void of judgment.  I know this world well, this is my thirteenth year attending.  Continue reading →