A few weeks ago I had a difficult bipolar/autistic meltdown that spiraled me into a dissociative state. I say bipolar slash autistic because the criteria and symptoms for both disorders overlap so much that it is nearly impossible to tell them apart within my own body at this point. I wasn’t able to attend some of my classes for two weeks because my mental state was feeling immensely guilty about using my accommodations. Every time I typed up another email to a professor, saying that I once again had to rely on my disability accommodations, I felt my chest tighten with anxiety and guilt, as if I was doing something wrong by needing my accommodations. I didn’t want my professors to think that I was lying to get out of class to go out with my friends. To be fair I did hang out with my friends and try and do stuff during the time I had class, but everything we did was an attempt to pull me out of the dissociative state I was in. As someone who has heard numerous times that they don’t look “autistic” or “disabled”, I am aware that this is a judgment that many pass on me, and I was aware that my professors may think that as well. Perhaps out of guilt, I sent an email to my professors, explaining that I had bipolar disorder and was struggling to pull myself out of a rough episode that left me unable to even read and comprehend the readings for any of my classes. Most of my professors answered with supportive statements, validating my disability and granting me as many extensions as I needed. One professor emailed me back, ignoring the fact that I had just opened up to him about my identity, and demanded I turn in my work within 48 hours, because the accommodation guidelines offered a 48 hour extension as an example guideline. Evidently, I was not able to get my work in, because I am not able to pull myself out of a dissociative episode on command; to make it worse, when I finally returned to class the following week he spoke negatively about bipolar disorder in class, leaving me stunned and panicked. I made the rather obvious assumption that I wasn’t his favorite student. Rather than fighting with him every step of the way, I decided to withdraw from the class, postponing my graduation from this December to May. I was devastated telling my parents that I would not be graduating as soon as they thought, and I was even embarrassed, knowing that if I pushed myself I could have made it through the class. But just because you can do something as a disabled person, doesn’t mean it is worth it. I was reminded in a somewhat blunt manner that not everyone will accommodate your disability, and sometimes it’s better to give up, then to fight for your right to take a class.
The emotional labour it would have taken for me to fight with this professor every step of the way, just to most likely pass with a C in his class was not worth it for me. Personally, I am proud of myself for knowing my boundaries and how far I can push myself. He made me feel weak and made me hyperaware of how people view me as someone who is bipolar and on the sepctrum.
Subtle ableism is so present in today’s world that it goes unnoticed by most, unless we are directly affected by it. For me, this was an example of direct ableism, someone who would do the bare minimum to accommodate my needs, and refused to do anything more. It was dehumanizing, but it also reminded me how lucky I am to not be faced with people like him, and ableist challenges on a daily basis. Our world was not made for disabled bodies, whether it’s expectations at work, to campuses being not accessible, to the general population applying certain stigmas to disabled people as a whole. As a physically abled person who is usually able to mask their disability in public, I don’t have to constantly worry how I will make it to class on time, or if the elevator will work today, or if I will be able to make it up the hill to my building for class, and that gives me a certain privilege. The dialectic of both being disabled and abled is an interesting limbo to live in. I can’t imagine how it would be if I had to worry about physical disability on top of my ever present mental disability, still, I can’t help but wonder if I would have been treated better by that professor if my disability had been more visible.
Unruly Bodies 
I’m really genuinely sorry to hear about everything that’s happened, I can’t imagine how you must’ve felt. I’m also very proud of you because of how you were able to establish your boundaries and do what was best for you and your health by withdrawing from that class. Your professor sounds like a real piece and I’m sorry you had to hear him indirectly talk down about something that affects you.
I also get what you mean by saying you feel guilty every time you use your accommodations. I haven’t even requested any accommodations for my issues yet because I feel like I’ll be doing something wrong if I do even though I shouldn’t.
I agree with your claim that if your disability was physical, it would be taken more seriously. It is so sad that our society creates such a stigma against mental disabilities. As someone with BPD, I also have accommodations with missing class when I have appointments, or days I cannot come into class. I to get that anxiety asking to miss class because I physically cannot. It is so horrible that many people have the feeling that their disability is not real because our society makes it so it is not real.
I’m so sorry to hear you had that experience! Your professor’s behavior was absolutely unacceptable to firstly not accommodate you but then to go so far as to speak negatively about bipolar disorder in class–I can only imagine how upsetting that was and how he ended up worsening an issue you were having that he could have easily aided. Sometimes I think professors get so caught up in the exact wording of these things (like the 48 hour extension, which is, as you mentioned, just an example!) that they neglect to remember the reasons why accommodations are necessary for some of us. I also really harmonize with your statement about just because a disabled person is able to do something, doesn’t mean it’s worth it. People often expect disabled people to soldier through unfair conditions and somehow make it out–and while many are absolutely technically able to–the amount of effort and discomfort required should not be expected and it’s totally understandable to opt out. Many abled people opt out of things uncomfortable for them and aren’t looked down upon. As far as graduating later than you expected, I know that must feel disappointing and you were looking forward to graduating when you had planned which makes total sense and it’s unfortunate that it’s because of extenuating ableist circumstances clearly out of your control, but graduating from college is an astonishing accomplishment regardless of the exact timeline and I hope you’re proud of yourself. 🙂
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story with this blog! I completely understand your perspective of shame when it surrounds asking for accommodations that should already be in place for you. I’m sorry that your graduation was pushed, but I’m glad you yourself are proud of your boundaries being set and made of steel. It takes guts to not flex those boundaries, especially in an academic setting where graduation was on the line. You’re incredibly stronger than you know, and I hope that there’s more assistance for you when your next episode comes around (I hate to say “if”, as someone with friends who are bipolar and autistic, because to me it sounds like I don’t understand those two diagnoses). Take care of yourself in these moments of coming out of an episode, be sure to be kind to your mind as well as your body.
I am sorry that you’ve had to deal with these situations. I completely understand the guilt that comes from contacting professors. It is a lot to say that you need help even if you have accommodations. I think it’s also important to call out how within our school system having those accommodations does not mean professors will always care or follow them. This in turn leads to ableist mindsets from those professors whether they recognize it or not. I think you also make an important distinction between “visible” and “invisible” disabilities and the treatment of people with disabilities. I hope that eventually people give up this form of discrimination.
Hi. I strongly relate to your post, and want to say you are not alone. I also have Bipolar Disorder, as well as PTSD and GAD. In my situation, however, I haven’t even gotten accommodations or anything because I feel guilty just doing that. So when I miss classes, I fill with even more anxiety and guilt that I don’t even message my professors. I know that I should find a better system, but it’s hard. I commend you for pushing through, and I know you’re going to graduate and do amazing things 🙂