Growing up in a Christian, conservative household – I had a rough understanding of how sex would translate to my daily life. In the Christian belief, sex is sacred and should be kept for marriage only. Any mention on masterbation was condoned and deemed sinful. I was told that the bible condemned homosexuality and masterbation. None of these statements helped me understand why I yearned for love as a teen nor did they explain why I felt such extreme guilt after pleasuring myself. I mean, WHO ELSE IS GONNA FILL THAT NEED AT 15?! Cmon bruh, mf’s need to wind down and personally; masterbation is the safest sex you can have.

Seeing as I was only 16 when I received the “talk”, it went kinda like this:

Uncle: So…you know about sex right?
Me: uhm…*trembles in awkwardness* yup
Uncle: Wrap your tool or you’re a fool. Also, be sure to marry your first.
Me: GOT IT 🫡

In all reality, my uncle would have never said to me in that way, but I included that for some type of comedic relief because that conversation was SO SHORT and AWKWARD. He did warn me of sex before marriage and gave me the appropriate understanding of consent and his beliefs on marriage. However, I had/have never been asked about my preferences. How important is sex to me?

I didn’t marry my first girlfriend. Or my second. Or third. I think a part of me wanted to, but I know when someone loves me for me. Does that make me evil or sinful? I don’t know…I would like to believe I’m okay with God. I pray. I read and practice spiritual things. Throughout my early 20s, after my first relationship ended in flames, I of course had some fun. I always practiced extensive consent – still do btw – and attempted to create some type of relationship with each person that I loved, but it takes two to tango. In this day and age, we have so many options, time changes and the old school way of marrying your first love is fading (although, I think most of us wish we could have made it work with our first). I have come to find out that sex, for me, is extremely important. Giving myself to someone in that way is incredibly personal, which I am sure that those that are in touch with theirselves would understand. I don’t give myself to everyone, I’m not that horny. Physical touch and company are my love languages, so when I find someone that matches that vibe, is attractive, and reciprocates those feelings, I try to establish a relationship. If something comes from that, so be it. Life is short. Sexual tension and playfulness can allow for people to blossom – to express their sexual perspectives and truly identify what they need to feel their best. Sex is not only important, its needed and in my perspective, the highest form of love (thanks Christianity). My friends know that I like to flirt, my girlfriends of the past know that I am a sexual ANIMAL (this is what I tell myself, in reality, you probably read this sentence in a longer time period than my lust lasts). Sex is a must and its, for the most part, fun.

I mean, Tupac literally has a song that talks about it. Wiz Khalifa, another rapper, explains in his song called “1000 women” that all he wants is one girl that can handle his lifestyle. I think, and the reason that I included these rappers, is because as a male, we often get applauded for multiple partners and or, getting around. At the core of it all, I think most of us want some form of monogamy – without boredom or lies. It doesn’t matter if you’re man, women, LGBTQ+ member, impaired, dog, cat…we all have sexual needs. We all have some type of emotions. If I could give my past self some advice, I would say this: Find out how important sex is for you. Find out on your own (self) and with others. Be safe and understand the repercussions of sex. There is a lot of weird kinks out there…don’t do those. Most importantly, be humble and allow the women to choose you. You’ll eventually find your version of “Eve”.

I applaud my uncle for giving me the talk, its awkward. Maybe he made that convo short so I could figure it out on my own 🤷🏽‍♂️. Finding love takes time *bows as a hopeless romantic*

Growing up in a Christian, conservative household – I had a rough understanding of how sex would translate to my daily life. In the Christian belief, sex is sacred and should be kept for marriage only. Any mention on masterbation was condoned and deemed sinful. I was told that the bible condemned homosexuality and masterbation. None of these statements helped me understand why I yearned for love as a teen nor did they explain why I felt such extreme guilt after pleasuring myself. I mean, WHO ELSE IS GONNA FILL THAT NEED AT 15?! Cmon bruh, mf’s need to wind down and personally; masterbation is the safest sex you can have.

Seeing as I was only 16 when I received the “talk”, it went kinda like this:

Uncle: So…you know about sex right?
Me: uhm…*trembles in awkwardness* yup
Uncle: Wrap your tool or you’re a fool. Also, be sure to marry your first.
Me: GOT IT 🫡

In all reality, my uncle would have never said to me in that way, but I included that for some type of comedic relief because that conversation was SO SHORT and AWKWARD. He did warn me of sex before marriage and gave me the appropriate understanding of consent and his beliefs on marriage. However, I had/have never been asked about my preferences. How important is sex to me?

I didn’t marry my first girlfriend. Or my second. Or third. I think a part of me wanted to, but I know when someone loves me for me. Does that make me evil or sinful? I don’t know…I would like to believe I’m okay with God. I pray. I read and practice spiritual things. Throughout my early 20s, after my first relationship ended in flames, I of course had some fun. I always practiced extensive consent – still do btw – and attempted to create some type of relationship with each person that I loved, but it takes two to tango. In this day and age, we have so many options, time changes and the old school way of marrying your first love is fading (although, I think most of us wish we could have made it work with our first). I have come to find out that sex, for me, is extremely important. Giving myself to someone in that way is incredibly personal, which I am sure that those that are in touch with theirselves would understand. I don’t give myself to everyone, I’m not that horny. Physical touch and company are my love languages, so when I find someone that matches that vibe, is attractive, and reciprocates those feelings, I try to establish a relationship. If something comes from that, so be it. Life is short. Sexual tension and playfulness can allow for people to blossom – to express their sexual perspectives and truly identify what they need to feel their best. Sex is not only important, its needed and in my perspective, the highest form of love (thanks Christianity). My friends know that I like to flirt, my girlfriends of the past know that I am a sexual ANIMAL (this is what I tell myself, in reality, you probably read this sentence in a longer time period than my lust lasts). Sex is a must and its, for the most part, fun.

I mean, Tupac literally has a song that talks about it. Wiz Khalifa, another rapper, explains in his song called “1000 women” that all he wants is one girl that can handle his lifestyle. I think, and the reason that I included these rappers, is because as a male, we often get applauded for multiple partners and or, getting around. At the core of it all, I think most of us want some form of monogamy – without boredom or lies. It doesn’t matter if you’re man, women, LGBTQ+ member, impaired, dog, cat…we all have sexual needs. We all have some type of emotions. If I could give my past self some advice, I would say this: Find out how important sex is for you. Find out on your own (self) and with others. Be safe and understand the repercussions of sex. There is a lot of weird kinks out there…don’t do those. Most importantly, be humble and allow the women to choose you. You’ll eventually find your version of “Eve”.

I applaud my uncle for giving me the talk, its awkward. Maybe he made that convo short so I could figure it out on my own 🤷🏽‍♂️. Finding love takes time *bows as a hopeless romantic*

Growing up in a Christian, conservative household – I had a rough understanding of how sex would translate to my daily life. In the Christian belief, sex is sacred and should be kept for marriage only. Any mention on masterbation was condoned and deemed sinful. I was told that the bible condemned homosexuality and masterbation. None of these statements helped me understand why I yearned for love as a teen nor did they explain why I felt such extreme guilt after pleasuring myself. I mean, WHO ELSE IS GONNA FILL THAT NEED AT 15?! Cmon bruh, mf’s need to wind down and personally; masterbation is the safest sex you can have.

Seeing as I was only 16 when I received the “talk”, it went kinda like this:

Uncle: So…you know about sex right?
Me: uhm…*trembles in awkwardness* yup
Uncle: Wrap your tool or you’re a fool. Also, be sure to marry your first.
Me: GOT IT 🫡

In all reality, my uncle would have never said to me in that way, but I included that for some type of comedic relief because that conversation was SO SHORT and AWKWARD. He did warn me of sex before marriage and gave me the appropriate understanding of consent and his beliefs on marriage. However, I had/have never been asked about my preferences. How important is sex to me?

I didn’t marry my first girlfriend. Or my second. Or third. I think a part of me wanted to, but I know when someone loves me for me. Does that make me evil or sinful? I don’t know…I would like to believe I’m okay with God. I pray. I read and practice spiritual things. Throughout my early 20s, after my first relationship ended in flames, I of course had some fun. I always practiced extensive consent – still do btw – and attempted to create some type of relationship with each person that I loved, but it takes two to tango. In this day and age, we have so many options, time changes and the old school way of marrying your first love is fading (although, I think most of us wish we could have made it work with our first). I have come to find out that sex, for me, is extremely important. Giving myself to someone in that way is incredibly personal, which I am sure that those that are in touch with theirselves would understand. I don’t give myself to everyone, I’m not that horny. Physical touch and company are my love languages, so when I find someone that matches that vibe, is attractive, and reciprocates those feelings, I try to establish a relationship. If something comes from that, so be it. Life is short. Sexual tension and playfulness can allow for people to blossom – to express their sexual perspectives and truly identify what they need to feel their best. Sex is not only important, its needed and in my perspective, the highest form of love (thanks Christianity). My friends know that I like to flirt, my girlfriends of the past know that I am a sexual ANIMAL (this is what I tell myself, in reality, you probably read this sentence in a longer time period than my lust lasts). Sex is a must and its, for the most part, fun.

I mean, Tupac literally has a song that talks about it. Wiz Khalifa, another rapper, explains in his song called “1000 women” that all he wants is one girl that can handle his lifestyle. I think, and the reason that I included these rappers, is because as a male, we often get applauded for multiple partners and or, getting around. At the core of it all, I think most of us want some form of monogamy – without boredom or lies. It doesn’t matter if you’re man, women, LGBTQ+ member, impaired, dog, cat…we all have sexual needs. We all have some type of emotions. If I could give my past self some advice, I would say this: Find out how important sex is for you. Find out on your own (self) and with others. Be safe and understand the repercussions of sex. There is a lot of weird kinks out there…don’t do those. Most importantly, be humble and allow the women to choose you. You’ll eventually find your version of “Eve”.

I applaud my uncle for giving me the talk, its awkward. Maybe he made that convo short so I could figure it out on my own 🤷🏽‍♂️. Finding love takes time *bows as a hopeless romantic*

Growing up in a Christian, conservative household – I had a rough understanding of how sex would translate to my daily life. In the Christian belief, sex is sacred and should be kept for marriage only. Any mention on masterbation was condoned and deemed sinful. I was told that the bible condemned homosexuality and masterbation. None of these statements helped me understand why I yearned for love as a teen nor did they explain why I felt such extreme guilt after pleasuring myself. I mean, WHO ELSE IS GONNA FILL THAT NEED AT 15?! Cmon bruh, mf’s need to wind down and personally; masterbation is the safest sex you can have.

Seeing as I was only 16 when I received the “talk”, it went kinda like this:

Uncle: So…you know about sex right?
Me: uhm…*trembles in awkwardness* yup
Uncle: Wrap your tool or you’re a fool. Also, be sure to marry your first.
Me: GOT IT 🫡

In all reality, my uncle would have never said to me in that way, but I included that for some type of comedic relief because that conversation was SO SHORT and AWKWARD. He did warn me of sex before marriage and gave me the appropriate understanding of consent and his beliefs on marriage. However, I had/have never been asked about my preferences. How important is sex to me?

I didn’t marry my first girlfriend. Or my second. Or third. I think a part of me wanted to, but I know when someone loves me for me. Does that make me evil or sinful? I don’t know…I would like to believe I’m okay with God. I pray. I read and practice spiritual things. Throughout my early 20s, after my first relationship ended in flames, I of course had some fun. I always practiced extensive consent – still do btw – and attempted to create some type of relationship with each person that I loved, but it takes two to tango. In this day and age, we have so many options, time changes and the old school way of marrying your first love is fading (although, I think most of us wish we could have made it work with our first). I have come to find out that sex, for me, is extremely important. Giving myself to someone in that way is incredibly personal, which I am sure that those that are in touch with theirselves would understand. I don’t give myself to everyone, I’m not that horny. Physical touch and company are my love languages, so when I find someone that matches that vibe, is attractive, and reciprocates those feelings, I try to establish a relationship. If something comes from that, so be it. Life is short. Sexual tension and playfulness can allow for people to blossom – to express their sexual perspectives and truly identify what they need to feel their best. Sex is not only important, its needed and in my perspective, the highest form of love (thanks Christianity). My friends know that I like to flirt, my girlfriends of the past know that I am a sexual ANIMAL (this is what I tell myself, in reality, you probably read this sentence in a longer time period than my lust lasts). Sex is a must and its, for the most part, fun.

I mean, Tupac literally has a song that talks about it. Wiz Khalifa, another rapper, explains in his song called “1000 women” that all he wants is one girl that can handle his lifestyle. I think, and the reason that I included these rappers, is because as a male, we often get applauded for multiple partners and or, getting around. At the core of it all, I think most of us want some form of monogamy – without boredom or lies. It doesn’t matter if you’re man, women, LGBTQ+ member, impaired, dog, cat…we all have sexual needs. We all have some type of emotions. If I could give my past self some advice, I would say this: Find out how important sex is for you. Find out on your own (self) and with others. Be safe and understand the repercussions of sex. There is a lot of weird kinks out there…don’t do those. Most importantly, be humble and allow the women to choose you. You’ll eventually find your version of “Eve”.

I applaud my uncle for giving me the talk, its awkward. Maybe he made that convo short so I could figure it out on my own 🤷🏽‍♂️. Finding love takes time *bows as a hopeless romantic*

Growing up in a Christian, conservative household – I had a rough understanding of how sex would translate to my daily life. In the Christian belief, sex is sacred and should be kept for marriage only. Any mention on masterbation was condoned and deemed sinful. I was told that the bible condemned homosexuality and masterbation. None of these statements helped me understand why I yearned for love as a teen nor did they explain why I felt such extreme guilt after pleasuring myself. I mean, WHO ELSE IS GONNA FILL THAT NEED AT 15?! Cmon bruh, mf’s need to wind down and personally; masterbation is the safest sex you can have.

Seeing as I was only 16 when I received the “talk”, it went kinda like this:

Uncle: So…you know about sex right?
Me: uhm…*trembles in awkwardness* yup
Uncle: Wrap your tool or you’re a fool. Also, be sure to marry your first.
Me: GOT IT 🫡

In all reality, my uncle would have never said to me in that way, but I included that for some type of comedic relief because that conversation was SO SHORT and AWKWARD. He did warn me of sex before marriage and gave me the appropriate understanding of consent and his beliefs on marriage. However, I had/have never been asked about my preferences. How important is sex to me?

I didn’t marry my first girlfriend. Or my second. Or third. I think a part of me wanted to, but I know when someone loves me for me. Does that make me evil or sinful? I don’t know…I would like to believe I’m okay with God. I pray. I read and practice spiritual things. Throughout my early 20s, after my first relationship ended in flames, I of course had some fun. I always practiced extensive consent – still do btw – and attempted to create some type of relationship with each person that I loved, but it takes two to tango. In this day and age, we have so many options, time changes and the old school way of marrying your first love is fading (although, I think most of us wish we could have made it work with our first). I have come to find out that sex, for me, is extremely important. Giving myself to someone in that way is incredibly personal, which I am sure that those that are in touch with theirselves would understand. I don’t give myself to everyone, I’m not that horny. Physical touch and company are my love languages, so when I find someone that matches that vibe, is attractive, and reciprocates those feelings, I try to establish a relationship. If something comes from that, so be it. Life is short. Sexual tension and playfulness can allow for people to blossom – to express their sexual perspectives and truly identify what they need to feel their best. Sex is not only important, its needed and in my perspective, the highest form of love (thanks Christianity). My friends know that I like to flirt, my girlfriends of the past know that I am a sexual ANIMAL (this is what I tell myself, in reality, you probably read this sentence in a longer time period than my lust lasts). Sex is a must and its, for the most part, fun.

I mean, Tupac literally has a song that talks about it. Wiz Khalifa, another rapper, explains in his song called “1000 women” that all he wants is one girl that can handle his lifestyle. I think, and the reason that I included these rappers, is because as a male, we often get applauded for multiple partners and or, getting around. At the core of it all, I think most of us want some form of monogamy – without boredom or lies. It doesn’t matter if you’re man, women, LGBTQ+ member, impaired, dog, cat…we all have sexual needs. We all have some type of emotions. If I could give my past self some advice, I would say this: Find out how important sex is for you. Find out on your own (self) and with others. Be safe and understand the repercussions of sex. There is a lot of weird kinks out there…don’t do those. Most importantly, be humble and allow the women to choose you. You’ll eventually find your version of “Eve”.

I applaud my uncle for giving me the talk, its awkward. Maybe he made that convo short so I could figure it out on my own 🤷🏽‍♂️. Finding love takes time *bows as a hopeless romantic*

Growing up in a Christian, conservative household – I had a rough understanding of how sex would translate to my daily life. In the Christian belief, sex is sacred and should be kept for marriage only. Any mention on masterbation was condoned and deemed sinful. I was told that the bible condemned homosexuality and masterbation. None of these statements helped me understand why I yearned for love as a teen nor did they explain why I felt such extreme guilt after pleasuring myself. I mean, WHO ELSE IS GONNA FILL THAT NEED AT 15?! Cmon bruh, mf’s need to wind down and personally; masterbation is the safest sex you can have.

Seeing as I was only 16 when I received the “talk”, it went kinda like this:

Uncle: So…you know about sex right?
Me: uhm…*trembles in awkwardness* yup
Uncle: Wrap your tool or you’re a fool. Also, be sure to marry your first.
Me: GOT IT 🫡

In all reality, my uncle would have never said to me in that way, but I included that for some type of comedic relief because that conversation was SO SHORT and AWKWARD. He did warn me of sex before marriage and gave me the appropriate understanding of consent and his beliefs on marriage. However, I had/have never been asked about my preferences. How important is sex to me?

I didn’t marry my first girlfriend. Or my second. Or third. I think a part of me wanted to, but I know when someone loves me for me. Does that make me evil or sinful? I don’t know…I would like to believe I’m okay with God. I pray. I read and practice spiritual things. Throughout my early 20s, after my first relationship ended in flames, I of course had some fun. I always practiced extensive consent – still do btw – and attempted to create some type of relationship with each person that I loved, but it takes two to tango. In this day and age, we have so many options, time changes and the old school way of marrying your first love is fading (although, I think most of us wish we could have made it work with our first). I have come to find out that sex, for me, is extremely important. Giving myself to someone in that way is incredibly personal, which I am sure that those that are in touch with theirselves would understand. I don’t give myself to everyone, I’m not that horny. Physical touch and company are my love languages, so when I find someone that matches that vibe, is attractive, and reciprocates those feelings, I try to establish a relationship. If something comes from that, so be it. Life is short. Sexual tension and playfulness can allow for people to blossom – to express their sexual perspectives and truly identify what they need to feel their best. Sex is not only important, its needed and in my perspective, the highest form of love (thanks Christianity). My friends know that I like to flirt, my girlfriends of the past know that I am a sexual ANIMAL (this is what I tell myself, in reality, you probably read this sentence in a longer time period than my lust lasts). Sex is a must and its, for the most part, fun.

I mean, Tupac literally has a song that talks about it. Wiz Khalifa, another rapper, explains in his song called “1000 women” that all he wants is one girl that can handle his lifestyle. I think, and the reason that I included these rappers, is because as a male, we often get applauded for multiple partners and or, getting around. At the core of it all, I think most of us want some form of monogamy – without boredom or lies. It doesn’t matter if you’re man, women, LGBTQ+ member, impaired, dog, cat…we all have sexual needs. We all have some type of emotions. If I could give my past self some advice, I would say this: Find out how important sex is for you. Find out on your own (self) and with others. Be safe and understand the repercussions of sex. There is a lot of weird kinks out there…don’t do those. Most importantly, be humble and allow the women to choose you. You’ll eventually find your version of “Eve”.

I applaud my uncle for giving me the talk, its awkward. Maybe he made that convo short so I could figure it out on my own 🤷🏽‍♂️. Finding love takes time *bows as a hopeless romantic*

I hate being perceived. I hate the fact that people see me and judge me. I hate taking up space. Sometimes it’s so exhausting to exist. Being so self-aware has consumed any ounce of confidence I previously held, to the point where I become embarrassed performing basic human tasks. For example, today I opted to wear my teddy bear jacket instead of my regular, worn black jacket since it was cozier and would keep me toasty outside. Once I stepped outside, I instantly felt a tidal wave of regret. Why? I felt this way because the jacket was puffier than my normal one, making me take up more space than usual and the tan color made me feel like a spotlight was shining on me. I felt ashamed for wearing a jacket, doesn’t that sound ridiculous? What’s even more ridiculous is that I subconsciously counterattack this “taking up of space” by keeping my head down, so I wouldn’t be seen. Truthfully, this has been a dilemma all my life. If I couldn’t get a second glance at my makeup or if I experimented with a new look, I would keep my head down.  If I didn’t wear makeup, I would keep my head down. If my bangs didn’t curl the right way or the wind had disorganized the precise placement of each strand, I would keep my head down. If I had to carry my Hissho’s and a cup of soda back to the dorm, I would keep my head down.

Oh gosh, am I afraid of being human?

It doesn’t help that society actively reinforces these notions that women have to remain small, verbally, socially, and physically. I remember watching a video about how to act like a “proper lady” when I was little. The video taught me that proper ladies never man-spread, they dressed in “tasteful” colors aka black, white, or grey, and spoke softly, however when these “rules” are dissected, aren’t they just oppressive limitations placed on women to make us “smaller” disguised as mannerism?

Additional thoughts:

What’s ironic about my self-consciousness is that whenever I find myself shopping, I always lurch for the hidden gems, aka the unusual finds of the store. A sweater with a goose saying “wow”, cha-ching! Brightly patterned overalls, cha-ching! Old patchwork grandma cardigans? SAY LESS. So why do I bother purchasing these unique articles of clothing if I’m not going to wear them? It’s because of the “waiting room”. I tell myself that once I reach a certain age or accomplish a certain task, I’ll have enough confidence to wear them out. The only issue with this thinking method is that I know I’ll never do it. I know that once I reach that goal, I’ll just make more excuses and create this never-ending loop of chaos. So, how do I combat this eternal loop? I just wear it. I accept the feelings of fear and regret. I remind myself that I cannot control how others feel, act, or think. Even though my head is slightly lowered, I still wore it out, which is progress so hurray for the tiny steps. 

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Labels, the reason I was closeted for so long was that I felt a tremendous pressure that I had to be either gay or straight because in-between was not a valid option. Honestly, I prefer the term unlabeled or queer as even the label of Bi feels too constraining to me because I either like someone or I don’t and I don’t feel like I need a title to describe that. I choose to use the label Bisexual purely for other people’s benefit because for some reason everyone needs to know if we find each other attractive or not. If I choose to tell people I am bisexual I do not mind as I chose to let them know that about me and I do fit the criteria for that label. However, when someone I don’t know well or do not wish to tell,  asks me what my sexuality is, I feel uncomfortable. In all honesty, I have no idea if this is relatable to other people or if it’s just a complicated jumbled mess, but the last thing I want is to come across as hostile. I completely understand wanting to know someone else’s preferences, I am a nosy person as well, but I also want to be transparent in saying that I have had instances of being extremely uncomfortable when people I don’t know ask me those questions. I remember this one instance, I believe it was my first shift working with this one girl and we were just talking and getting to know each other a bit while we were in the back of the store working on decorations. This is burned into my memory because I remember the visceral reaction I had to her asking this question as it was so much worse than “what’s your sexuality?” This coworker looked me in the eyes and said “so are you…?” and proceeded to make the hand gesture. (if you know you know.) And you know when you are so uncomfortable that all you can think to do is give the person what they want, so I told her “no” (Lie) I don’t owe this girl an answer let alone a truthful one. So in summary I just want to say that let people tell you on their own terms what they are and never ask a stranger because 9 times out of 10 it makes them uncomfortable. Also that you don’t owe anyone an explanation of who you are and what you like.