As a bioinformatics student working mostly with AI, I find myself thinking a lot about non-human thinking systems. It makes a lot of sense in a mind/body dualism school of thought to take a brain and put it into a computer. Actual research into the field of machine intelligence has found that, while neuromorphic AI (AI designed based on models of the human brain) is the place where the best progress has been made, models of the brain are only about a tenth as capable as an equally complex biological network. Additionally the constraints of these systems don’t behave in a way consistent with that of our subjective experience as thinking systems. The one most relevant to the conversation around phenomenology is that of the input requirements for neural networks. Even “generative” neural networks like StyleGANN (https://thispersondoesnotexist.com) use an input of random numbers generated by a computer to give an output. For a thinking human this tends to go against one’s general impression of how their own thought processes work, however phenomenology points out that we are constantly receiving input both from our bodies/senses, as well as in the form of the recursive input of our own focus.

Another thought I have had is whether or not animals have a sense of mind-body dualism. This is actually something that has been studied experimentally! The experiment generates involves a control of placing the animal in front of another member of its species and watching its reaction(s) followed by placing the animal in front of a mirror and watching its reactions. Some animals see their reflections and interpret them as another animal of the same species, unable to distinguish between reflections of the self and other individuals. Most animals just generally ignore their reflections. especially adults who have seen their own reflections in water or glass. Some animals show initial confusion followed by an understanding that the animal in the mirror is the body that is attached to the stream of thought in their head. Most of these animals will remember that experience too and will no longer show confusion in front of the mirror, showing that they have some persistent sense of self. It’s all fascinating and while I would love to write more about it I have to run this in since it’s getting late.

In our society, we are often taught and encouraged to see the mind and body as two different entities, separate from each other. In this mind and body split, the mind is usually the part of us that is more important. We are conditioned to choose things that relate to the mind over things that relate to the body. For example, we are supposed to come to school/work when we are not feeling well, because our minds are prioritized in those settings. With schoolwork, we are supposed to “grind,” and may ultimately be forced to pull all-nighters to complete an assignment, or study for a test. For our bodies, when it comes to “body projects,” we only involve and focus the body (and when the journey of these body projects gets rough or hard, we are supposed to put aside our complaints). Overall, it’s very apparent that in society we are taught that the mind and body are separate things, even though both are simultaneously a part of us, and supposed to work together.

But how far can the idea of this mind and body split be pushed onto us?

I looked at myself as an ally for all my life but, looking back now, I put on the mask of a helper and fully convinced myself that I was making a difference by following the cause, but I never really acted for the better of it. In college I became an affiliate of the Center for Women in Technology, an organization at UMBC fighting for equality for all. CWIT opened my eyes to the issues that plague today’s society and how I could assist in the fight for equality. I am surprised that a course like my first-year experience for CWIT is not mandatory for everyone. I feel like a simple course like this being worked into all high school curriculum would make a world of difference in the visibility of today’s issues and gather more support for the cause. Coming out of high school, I knew these problems existed, but they were not in the front of my focus because I am a cis white male. I did not have to experience the pain that comes with most of them, however I did secondhand experience them through my mom and stepmother.

So all my life I’ve lived with this one question: “What are you?” Whether it came from people I didn’t even know, or it came from my friends, they all had the same question. And I understand to some degree. I am pretty ethnically ambiguous looking and sometimes I straighten my hair which further confuses people. It still doesn’t make it okay though.

What does it mean to act like a woman? Back in the day to meant to be a housewife, a mother, and never to speak up. While many people still believe these things, I think they are stupid and should never be brought up. It is very offensive to be called a girly girl with no definition. Just because I wear makeup or where women’s clothing does not mean I am a girly girl and can not do the same thing as women. I am a big fan of Harry’s style, not for his music but for his faction choices and how he has broken the rules of clothing differences between women and men. It is just not fair for someone to say that women should be here to be pretty. The other day I went to a conference with my dad, and it was a petroleum c store convention, a male-dominated industry. And I saw women dressed in tight revealing clothing passing out business cards.

Also, no vendor was willing to talk to me about a business venture or selling their product in my dad’s stores. I would have to make the first move and break the ice, but everyone would want to talk to my brother. This was just shocking to see how women are perceived as just the pretty thing to the side. As a woman who wanted her company, this was very offensive to see how my gender was perceived by an industry run by many old white and Indian males. Women run a gas station or a hotel just as efficiently as men. I think women can run a business just as well as males; I believe there is no difference in intellectual properties. There is no objective evidence that males are better than women! Women and males act the same. They have the same resources to be successful.

I am disabled. It took me a long time to call myself by that name. I used to think disability was a term restricted to people whose disabilities were obvious — you could see it in their gait, or how they fidgeted in their chairs, or the way people would talk around them instead of with them. My disabilities manifested in less noticeable ways: poor time management, perfectionism, relentless talkativeness, trouble sleeping, etc. I always considered these manifestations “personality defects” and personal failures rather than symptoms.

I think for a while I was afraid of co-opting the term from a group that seemed more minoritized than myself. I didn’t see myself as having real struggles (thanks, internalized ableism and impostor syndrome!), at least, not like those that other disabled people grappled with. Even when friends would describe their experiences of disabilities we shared, I would sympathize with their stories, rage at the injustices they faced — but I couldn’t give myself the same grace. 

It wasn’t until I experienced a visible disability that I realized how disabled I’ve been. The last time I had COVID, I noticed something was off. Ten days, six weeks, then three months later, I wasn’t better. The cough and congestion were gone, but I still felt slow, like everything around me was playing at 2x speed, and it took all my energy to keep up. My brain was so laggy I struggled to compose coherent sentences; catching up with a friend over dinner left me lethargic and almost dizzy for days. People asked if I was alright, worried why they hadn’t talked with me in weeks or seemed so dazed at work. 

I couldn’t deny it anymore, I was disabled. When everyone noticed it, I believed it. But, really, it wasn’t all that different from how I experienced disabilities before, except that, this time, there was an easy before and after comparison. Everyone knew pre-COVID me and post-COVID me. There was never a version of myself before ADHD or Anxiety; they’ve been with me since birth. There’s no telling where the diagnoses end and I begin.

Long COVID made my other disabilities entirely unmanageable. I didn’t realize how tumultuous my balance was until COVID gave me a shove and sent me tumbling off a cliff. It was a wake-up call: just because I was compensating for my disabilities well enough before COVID didn’t mean they weren’t there. Just because other people couldn’t see them didn’t mean they weren’t real. Long COVID forced me to accept that I needed support. I couldn’t keep trudging through life, exhausted from playing on an uneven field and unwilling to accept the help offered to me. My disabilities were — are — real, and I deserve a level playing field.