Ok im pretty self confident. But whenever someone glances at my body my mind gets to racing. I just came back from the mall and of course people looked at me. Girls and guys but especially when guys look at me Im thinking to myself are they going “oh she got a nice body for a slim black girl” ( cuz black women are expected to be thick) are they looking at my arms and going they’re so tiny. Are they picturing me as athletic and active. Are they saying my strides are so graceful .Or just a lazy bum that happens to be slim. I wish I could look at myself and the way it moves from outside my body. What would I think about my bodies look and movement if I was an outsider looking in. Like my conscious floats out and I can see. It’s kinda hard to just observe the body when you’re out in public. I can’t just stand in the middle and watch. But honestly not just me, I wish I could just see in a spiritual way the way we mammals dance through life.
Continue readingAuthor: mmoore9
I wish I could give myself a lobotomy
This is gonna be a word salad but it’s actually crazy navigating this world as a person with anger issues, bpd, anemia and autism. I know, girl pick a struggle. To give you a little glimpse into my life. Being anemic is weird. As stated in class, people only think disabilities you can see are valid. And don’t get me wrong if I’m being honest I don’t consider being anemic disabling but maybe I don’t consider it disabling because of that subconscious bias as well. As someone with anemia one thing I do ( as well as others) is when I get up too fast my vision gets fuzzy like I’m seeing circles and static and I have to lean over and sit sometimes even lay down. One could argue that that is disabling. And I could see why because that affects me when I’m working (as a receptionist I’ve had to do that sometimes) when I’m at a conference or meeting or babysitting just anything in life.
Read more: I wish I could give myself a lobotomyDon’t get me started on having bpd- I sorry un-medicated and untreated bpd. And yes you guessed it ( that is because of finding a psychiatrist and therapist that will take our parent’s insurance). It affects every aspect of my life as well but especially my relationships with other human beings. People think they are accepting and “woke” until your friend goes off and becomes satans right hand man in an argument and then 25 minutes later is like “bro remember this lmfaooooo” like NOTHING happened. I’ve lost friends over it. And I’m not okay with it. I’m not. I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you guys and be like it’s whatever it’s there loss. No my feelings are hurt and I wish I didn’t have this in my brain. It’s almost kinda debilitating. But idk it feels wrong to call it debilitating because that feels reserved for things like schizophrenia, Down syndrome, paralysis etc… I wish I could just take a pick and fix my brain and be normal. Yes I said it. Don’t believe these people- having mental illnesses is not normal and that’s okay. It’s not a bad word.
And to TOP IT ALL OFF god just had to make me neurodivergent as the final touch. Everyone in my family is neurodivergent. From my mom to my dad to me and my little sister. Shit we think the dog is too 💀. But it’s so crazy cuz the reason my parents (mainly my dad) never had anything done about it was because not just because they didn’t have the money, but also the community they’re in. It’s already bad enough society is so 👀 about being autistic and then you have the black community which is like worse towards people who are different. For lots of black people who have autism/neurodivergent or physical disabilities, our first and main bullies are the people who look like us, talk like us, dress like us, worship like us. It’s so alienating. Don’t worry it’s gotten better because of the newer generations but it’s just like damn can we catch a break . It’s a good thing this is not an on paper assignment cuz there’d be tears stains all along the page😹.
Reality Check
In terms of bodies I wanted to talk to about both of our subtopics for the past two weeks. Reproductive and labor. Im honestly a little anxious to give birth as a black woman. Even though I’m not a having kids anytime soon lol there’s still that looking anxiety. I plan to be very vocal/opinionated during my pregnancy and birth ( as you all know I already am) and I honestly don’t think I want to have my baby at a hospital. I think I’d like to give birth at home with a midwife who still has a medical license in case something goes wrong. Hospitals are so depressing and I don’t want to give birth to a child in one. But also because there’s still that looming anxiety about if the doctors and nurses will dismiss any concerns of mine.
Continue readingI am but I’m not
In Alcoff’s piece we learn about the three basic pastimes for understanding race and one of them being essentialism. In essentialsim the key piece is that racial identities are stable across time and space. And that is not true. And I say that is not true because of factors like time period and location. Identities like African-American, Afro Latino/Caribbean are new identities. They are literally only identities because of the transatlantic slave trade. 450 years ago African-American Afro Caribbean Afro none of those things were being used by anyone because they were not terms until mid 1600s . As an African-American woman myself one thing me and my Caribbean or Latino friends always talk about is that there’s somewhat of a disconnect between us and Africans because Africans are like lucky in a way. They are going by the original term. Yes there was death and destruction and colonization for them but they have that tiny fact that they didn’t get shipped off to other continents. They got to keep the OG term. Technically we should just be African or even like the term black woman back in 1191 and 1347 no one was using that. Same with people in Malaysia and they weren’t saying oh I’m Malaysian/ I’m a south east Asian they went by their tribal identification. All those terms like black girl, asian girls, etc…
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Unruly Bodies 