Why me? I ask myself this question everyday why was I born so sick? Why was a born with these mental and physical struggles? Why do I feel so different like I don’t belong here? Why did I not die a birth? Why did I live instead?
These are things that I ask myself when my depression/ anxiety speak for themselves. I fight them back every day each day goes by it get a bit easier since starting therapy and getting medicine. Even so it still a fight, I for so long was afraid to seek help due to being suicidal I was afraid they would lock me away and throw away the key, like they do to so many others. I had personal connection to this fear my mom had an aunt who was sent away to the mental hospital back in the late 60s, to this day no one has any idea what happen to her once she was sent away no one heard from her or saw her again. This is something that is not just history it still happens to people today, but no one know or speaks about it. This why many people fear asking for help they don’t want to be taken away thrown in a hospital and have all their basic human rights stripped from them.
Solitary confinement is a cruel/inhumane punishment they put not just prisoners through but also those with mental struggles. They say to protect them, but it is to control them this does not help a prisoner reform nor help someone with mental health recover it only make these issues worse. Although has been some improvement but nowhere enough and it only improved for those of certain class and race.
6 months ago we started dating. my second ever queer relationship and i knew it would have to be my last. somewhere along those 6 months i fell hard for you. you took my fragile heart gently and cupped it in your hands tightly.
last night you told me that your dad found out that you were dating a girl, and had given you an ultimatum. you have two years to decide- live the way you are living and move out of my house or start living righteously. (who told him? who saw us together? were we just holding hands?) i didn’t think that we would be found out so soon. it had only been 6 months.
when i held hands with you, when i reached out to hold your hand, and you held it, we put our bodies under the knife edge of power. you put yourself under the knife edge when you said yes to me asking you to be my girlfriend in may.
i guess im trying to be grateful for the time we had but the truth is im scared and guilty and angry. (fuck! fuck the church and fuck your dad and fuck it all oh my god!!!) i feel a future me looking back at my young twenties and seeing myself living a vibrant queer life in baltimore. i know there’s an alternative universe me where that is my reality.
We should go out and dance like we used to dance We should go out and hold hands like lovers hold hands And I can’t tell you who’s gonna last Well, maybe that’s a question and answer I don’t have
To see your people die in front of you, day by day, feels like a stab to the chest every minute you remember they no longer exist with you on this earth. your day one, now reset to day zero. To know that there is something that could be done by the government to help, yet the government refuses, is something that I will never understand. How dare you say that it would be too expensive to implement standards, research, and rules? How are we putting price tags on millions of lives? During the AIDs epidemic, all that was needed to stop people from dying was research. The simple step of researching this illness could have saved thousands from one community and thousands of others. So I ask, why didn’t we just do our due diligence? It was because they wanted this mass sweeping, they decided that the majority of lives being lost were lives they were willing to spare. In this process, not only did we lose the sons and daughters of the LGBTQ community, but we also lost young children and an outstanding number of heterosexual women. EVERYONE suffered from the negligence of the government. This isn’t the first instance of attempts at clearing a community. Let us not forget that the drug distribution epidemic in black neighborhoods was created by the government itself. They wanted the community to break itself down from the inside out. They placed boxes of narcotics all over the streets, knowing that people would fall into their traps because addiction is a strong drug, one that feels impossible to break. watching my people drop dead from overdosing, my family become estranged, and statistics skyrocket felt like a stab to the chest. It wasn’t until the narcotics made their way to prosperous neighborhoods that they stopped placing these traps. This shows once again how hurting one community hurts EVERYONE. The number of times the government has intentionally watched a community die is something that should make everyone’s stomach turn. We cannot sit idle and watch as this occurs. Every time we sit back and watch as communities die, whether it be at the hands of one person or an entire branch, we are allowing ourselves to be stabbed in the chest. an injustice to one is an injustice to EVERYONE. As someone who is a part of both communities talked of above, let me ask you something: Did you just stab me?
Juliet, from the titular play Romeo and Juliet, has long been seen as a woman stripped of agency. She is seen as a woman who couldn’t stand to live without her beloved Romeo, so she protested the only way she knew how and ended her own life. This is what the new broadway hit &Juliet says as the show follows Shakespeares wife, Anne Hathaway, as she rewrites her story, now starting with Romeo’s death. For many reasons, I am not a fan of this musical’s take on Juliet’s life. For right now I will stick with this one point. Anne Hathaway ends up making every choice for Juliet. Anne takes Juliet away from her family and political ties and instead takes her on a girls’ trip to go clubbing around Verona. Without realizing it, by having Anne control every new aspect of Juliet’s life they have once again stripped her of her agency.
I do not believe Juliet is stripped of her agency in Shakespeare’s original piece. I actually believe she is the smartest character in the whole play.
Let’s get one thing straight, Juliet always wanted Romeo and her to be married. In fact this diva demanded that Romeo bend the knee when she said “If that they bent of love is honorable, thy purpose marriage” 2.2 150. She knew what she wanted and communicated it clearly to Romeo.
She also knew how fast things were moving, “It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden” 2.2 125. She wasn’t dumb and in love, she knew that Romeo was moving quickly. The only reason she decided to speed everything up was that her marriage to Paris was to happen any day now. And finally, with her monologue in act 3 scene 2, she describes how she is desperately awaiting for Romeo. She repeatedly says, “Come, night. Come, Romeo.” 3.2 17. Now, not to get too rounchy, but Juliet is not just waiting around to just sit in the presence of Romeo, she’s waiting to have sex with him once more. In modern times, this seems more normal to us, but back in Shakespeare’s day, a high-class woman having sex with a man out of marriage was a big deal. So why do it? Because she knows that if she were to get pregnant with Romeo’s child, her parents would have no choice but to ensure Romeo and her got married.
Now let’s talk about the final scene. She wakes up from her sleep to find Romeo and Paris dead. At this point in history, Juliet would’ve had a hard time moving on now that she is a widow and the feud between the two families would’ve only gotten worse. If Juliet hadn’t used her body and life to protest in the face of both the Montagues and Capulets, how many others would’ve died? The feud would’ve continued and Juliet would’ve been outcast from her family. Yes, she missed Romeo, and yes, she partly took her life to be with him. But to say his love was the only reason is to discount all the other factors Juliet was also dealing with.
So no, &Juliet, Juliet isn’t just a love-sick girl who let a man take control over her life. But instead, a smart and witty girl who acted with wisdom.
So after watching that documentary about people being in isolation for decades, I just keep thinking how do you even decide who belongs in isolation? And who gets to decide how long somebody stays in there? Because I’m sitting here trying to understand it, and honestly, it just doesn’t make sense to me. Like, yes people end up in jail because they did something they weren’t supposed to do. But not everything people do is on the same level. Petty theft is not the same as murder. So how do you judge that? How do you look at someone and say, “Yeah, you deserve 10 years in a box by yourself,” like that’s normal? And the whole idea of putting someone in isolation… I don’t know. How are you supposed to feel okay with that as a person? Because the documentary was basically saying they put people in there because they appeared to be gang members or because they thought something might happen. So now you’re isolating someone for 10 years based on what you think they might do? That’s crazy to me. And yes, they did something bad that’s why they’re in jail. But putting someone in isolation for that long feels like another level of wrong. It’s like you’re trying to fix a problem and create a whole new one at the same time. Because let’s be real: if you keep someone in a tiny box for years with no sunlight, no real human contact they’re going to lose their minds. Anybody would. And I’ll be honest, part of me has always thought: most of the time, people end up in jail because they did something they shouldn’t have done. And in that sense, yeah, I get why consequences exist. But then the prison system turns around and does things that are just as harmful if not more. So how does that make them any better? You want people to learn what they did was wrong, but then you do wrong things to them too. So then what’s the point? Where does that lead? I’m just stuck. I really can’t wrap my head around the whole isolation thing because it feels like there’s no solution. Like no matter what, somebody is getting hurt. You think you’re preventing a problem, but you’re creating another one. And I just keep imagining myself sitting in a small box for 10 years with no sunlight, no fresh air, no nothing and I know I would absolutely lose my mind. Most people would. So yeah… I’m confused. I’m thinking through it, but I still don’t know what the right answer is. I wanted to talk about it because it’s been on my mind heavily, but I’m still figuring out how to even put my thoughts together. So honestly, let me know what y’all think. Because I’m still trying to understand this and I really want to know how other people see it too.
The Strike examines how solitary confinement in California prisons strips people of basic humanity by removing stimulation, color, sound, and, most importantly, meaningful connection. The documentary shows how incarcerated men organized a hunger strike after years, and sometimes decades, of being trapped in small, bare cells where even a moment of conversation became a form of survival. Many describe how isolation pushed them deeper into despair rather than keeping them “safe,” and how the lack of basic human rights made their mental state deteriorate.
While watching The Strike, I was struck by how closely some of those experiences mirrored something I went through this past September. I was placed in an anti-suicide room for six hours completely empty, colorless, and silent. There was no stimulation, no clock, no comfort item, nothing grounding at all. I remember crying and begging the nurses just to talk to me for even a few seconds, and no one responded. I had to use a makeshift toilet, and the combination of isolation and humiliation ended up making me feel worse, not safer. Similar to what people in the documentary describe, my thoughts spiraled in that environment, and I began thinking of ways I could harm myself using the room around me.
The documentary helped me understand that what I felt was not “overreacting”. It was a human reaction to a dehumanizing environment. No one should have to die in order to have basic human rights, and it’s appalling that someone did in order for the government to take the incarcerated people seriously.
I was on crutches for three-ish weeks and wrote a couple of entries on my experience!:
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Everyone’s been so accommodating, and I appreciate it immensely but it also sort of makes me want to eat my insides. When my friends go out of their way to pay for my drinks or bring me snacks, or when a teacher runs to grab the door for me and brings the paper to my seat, I know they’re being kind and I would likely want to do the same if roles were reversed but I can’t help being overcome with guilt. The fomo too, absolutely excruciation. Normally, I’m perfectly content staying behind if I don’t feel like leaving my dorm and my friends go out and study or grab lunch, but now it feels different, this time it feels out of my control. I’m not staying behind because I chose to, but because my body is sore and limited and forcing me to stay behind. On the other hand, when I do push myself to go, I slow the group down with my slow steps and while logically, I know no one’s holding it against me, i feel the constant need to apologize and regret leaving in the first place.
Also, sometimes I take just one crutch instead of two. My best friend was quick to express her disapproval but I insisted that I felt less silly looking when I just used the one. That, and I’ve found that people ask less questions. Maybe its because they could less easily see it, or maybe they thought it couldn’t be that bad if I was just using one so they didn’t ask, but i appreciated every time it was left unvoiced, everytime I didn’t have to think about what kind of assumptions people were making.
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I felt so sore waking up. I did some youtube research two days ago and have since corrected the way I was previously using the crutches but i presume just the fact that I use them at all is going to be a workout for my arms and abs as they have to bare quite a bit of weight to keep me balanced. I was also internally snappy but externally did my best to politely tell my roommate to please stop asking me how I was feeling after the three times i dodged the question over text. Because truthfully, I felt bad, I was in pain, and I didn’t want to talk about it.
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People are too nice, as in, I can state semi-confidently that we do not treat those with actual disabilities with this much out-of-the-way kindness. Is it because we assume they don’t need/ want the help? That’s my general mindset, if someone asks for assistance, I will gladly help them, but I don’t want to infantilize them by assuming they can’t accomplish things themselves. But now people are holding the door for me while I’m still two hallway lengths away, offering to grab me lunch and bring it to my dorm, one girl turned around at the bottom of the staircase and asked if she could hold my backpack, multiple have told told me they’ll pray for my health. And maybe I just have a very warped perception of acts of kindness but this is the most back to back interaction I’ve had with strangers possibly ever and it feels so strange. Of course, I take pride in being very polite, but I’m so used to keeping to myself in public, seeing how many social rules are changed when someone is “hurt” is interesting.
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The embarrassment is the worst part. Which is pretty dumb because there’s some mornings where I wake up after a long day of walking and the pain is so bad I can’t get up for hours, and yet, the embarrassment is what I still cite as the worst part of using crutches.
They’re just so loud and people never fail to turn their heads. And even if it’s just a passing thought, i know they’re wondering what caused it. The knowledge that i’m being perceived at all, that I’m more than just a passing person in a crowded pathway, makes my skin crawl. But I was dumb and got hurt and this is my penance.
Also, taking 25 mins on average to get to class is not ideal. We’ve spoken in class how inaccessible this campus is, but to experience it, even if just a bit, has definitely made me understand it in a different way. Swinging on the crutches allows me to go much faster, but takes up so much energy I can’t do it for long without loosing my breath and needing a break. So what would normally be a quick shortcut through Erickson field and walk down to Dunkin’ for a morning egg sandwich now requires three elevator rides (dorm, middle of commons, commuters lounge) and 15 minutes of agonizingly noisy walking. And truly I can complain for however long I desire, in blog world nothing can stop me, but I am so so privileged to feel secure in the knowledge that this is temporary. Urgent care said 4-6 weeks and I’ll feel better. Millions of people use mobility aids for life, with varying conditions that some alternative routes are compatible with and others are not. I want this experience to mean something, I hope I never fail to offer aid, to amplify voices demanding basic necessities that able-bodies neglect are not a given, and most of all, respect an individuals agency.
You don’t have to watch Wicked to know its famous line—“No one mourns the Wicked”—which basically means that some people aren’t worth grieving. This kept echoing in my head when I heard that both lead actresses of the Wicked: For Good film recently tested positive for COVID.
According to a recent Guardian article, “Both Grande and Cynthia Erivo tested positive for Covid during the filming of the first movie, temporarily delaying production. Erivo reportedly contracted the virus days before shooting the climactic first-act number Defying Gravity, while Grande tested positive before filming the song “Popular.”
The same article notes that during the current press tour Ariana Grande again tested positive, forcing her to miss several events.
That news made me think of Mia Mingus. In her blog “You Are Not Entitled to Our Deaths”, Mingus challenges the idea that disabled or sick bodies are disposable and that those lives aren’t worth protecting or grieving. After reading this blog and our discussion in class, it made me remember hearing about the Wicked news. It made me realize we’re acting like COVID is just a production hiccup, an inconvenience to filming or press tours, rather than the ongoing threat which is killing and disabling countless people. The fact that both leads got sick, during filming and promotion, yet the media and public reaction centers on delays, missed appearances, and disappointed fans speaks volumes.
There’s something horrifyingly Wicked-like about how illness is framed now. If someone masks, they’re “paranoid.” If they don’t appear for a photoshoot or premiere, fans complain. When someone gets COVID, the conversation is about wasted money on promotion, fan backlash over missed premieres, or travel delays , but rarely about health, recovery, or the toll illness takes. The framing treats sickness as a hiccup, not as human suffering. It treats the sick body as a burden to the show, not as a person in need of care.
“Grande’s positive test was the latest hiccup for the full-court Wicked press blitz that has seen the cast hop continents by the day. Due to flight delays, Grande was unable to make the premiere in Brazil, triggering fan backlash she also addressed on her Instagram.”
That is exactly the kind of abled entitlement Mingus warns about: a culture that assumes certain bodies can and should be sacrificed for convenience. Under this logic, “the show must go on,” regardless of who gets hurt. The Wicked cast situation isn’t just celebrity news, but it’s a reflection of a larger societal pattern where health, disability, and our shared vulnerability are minimized, ignored, or erased entirely.
What’s even worse is how normalized this erasure has become. COVID has become “another thing,” something to power through so cameras and promotions stay on schedule. Workplaces expect people to show up sick. Students are told to push through fevers. Long-term effects are brushed off as “just fatigue.” Public health infrastructure? Largely forgotten. Masks, ventilation, testing are all optional. People who get sick frequently or live with chronic conditions are expected to adapt or be pushed aside.
Mingus doesn’t just name this as negligence, she instead frames it as violence. When we treat care as optional, when we prioritize productivity over people, when we mourn canceled premieres more than lost lives, we are making a statement about whose lives matter. We’re deciding who gets protection, who gets grief, and who doesn’t.
We shouldn’t act like the pandemic is over. We need to stop shrugging when someone gets sick, framing illness as inconvenience, or acting like the only thing that matters is the show going on. Production, entertainment, or convenience is not more important than actual human lives. Because if we care at all about disability justice, about valuing every life, then we can’t pretend the pandemic is done. We have to mourn the sick. We have to fight for care. And we have to stop believing the myth that pushing on by ignoring risk, ignoring illness is normal or acceptable.
Last class, when we had been talking about the horrific forms of protest (such as self-immolation), we had touched on how we are being exposed to morbidity everyday whether by social media, or by such news being broadcasted nationally. Broadcasting graphic videos to homes across the country aren’t the only ways the news will show lack of regard for its viewers. The movie Nightcrawler is a good example (at least in my eyes) of the thought processes behind what is put on the screens of thousands of families. Louis Bloom (played excellently by Jake Gyllenhaal), is an aspiring videographer who is morally corrupt. He often acts within his own self-interest, disregarding the feelings and wellbeing of others. After gaining connections with a local Los Angeles news station by filming the gory aftermath of a carjacking, he begins trying to find more violent crimes in order to garner himself a reputation. Eventually, Bloom recruits a young man named Rick, to assist him. The movie does a good job in telling the dangerous impact journalism can have in fueling stereotypes as well as fearmongering. Nina is the news director for the station, and will encourage him to capture very graphic crime in places where poor areas cross over to wealthy areas. She represents selective and racist journalism, as she tries to make rich white people fear that their areas are being violated by inferior individuals for the sake of TV ratings. Listening to what was being said in class made me think of this movie and how it mirrors what news stations and other similar media are doing today. Now, especially in such a politically vulnerable time, the news twists a story to push a political agenda or to gain more ratings from a hyperbolic headline. Race is being used as a tool of separation in the already divided country. At the end of the movie, Louis ends up setting Rick up by causing him to be a fatality in a car chase. Bloom does this because Rick demands higher pay especially for the amount of dangerous work they’re doing. Despite being suspected many times by the police for manipulating crime scenes and causing the death of his employee, Louis gets let off the hook by the end of the movie. Both Louis and Nina have a happy ending and walk free from any repercussions. Though this ending was infuriating to me, I still really liked how realistic that outcome is. The news can manipulate the facts as much as they want and fuel whatever racist propaganda that they will, but at the end of the day, life goes on and we are left wondering what the real news/truth is. It also seems that the two simply walking away from their immorality should make viewers more conscious of the large and dangerous presence of fake media outlets.
There are so many euphamisms for disabled people. Just off the top of my head there is:
Differently-abled
Handi-capable
Special (needs)
Challenged
The r slur
Crippled*
Why do we have so many terms when it’s so much easier to say disabled?
Non-diabled people have always been uncomfortable with disability. This can stem from the historical treatment of disabled people. Disabled people were institutionalized, abanonded by their families, castrated, and lobotomized. They were seen as “less than” and a deviant to society. This created ableism as we know it.
Non-diabled people are fearful of diabled people, or feel uncomfortable around disabled people. They even struggle to address them. Such as speaking to the hearing person next to a Deaf person. Or speaking to a caregiver of a non speaking person, instead of directly to the disabled person.
Choosing to identify disabled people with euphamisms is a direct line to ableism and this fear of disability. They are so fearful of it they can’t even use the word disabled. For a long time person-first language was the preffered method of speaking to and about disabled people. However this was mainly pioneered by non-disabled people, like caregivers, doctors, and parents. Recently, identity-first language has been a way for disabled people to express their pride in being disabled. It takes away the negative conotations of the word and celebrates the identity of disabled people.
However, there are many older disabled people that grew up with the person-first language and prefer that to idenity-first language. It is best to ask the disabled person their preference before referring to them in any specific way.
Unruly Bodies 