It took me a while to realize that my former social anxiety has morphed into a new form: what I call health anxiety.
Continue readingmental health
Sorry I Can’t Come, My Anxiety Wore Me Out
All my life, I’ve been fighting through mental illnesses since far before I was aware of it. The first battle was learning how to function with bipolar disorder and depression. Then I jumped right to dealing with my eating disorder. Trichotillomania was next. When I finally had everything sorted out this summer, I felt myself sighing in relief. It was hard, but I could live now. Sure, it’s still extremely difficult, but at least I have a little bit more of a handle on life than I ever had.
And then anxiety showed up.
All my life, I’ve been fighting through mental illnesses since far before I was aware of it. The first battle was learning how to function with bipolar disorder and depression. Then I jumped right to dealing with my eating disorder. Trichotillomania was next. When I finally had everything sorted out this summer, I felt myself sighing in relief. It was hard, but I could live now. Sure, it’s still extremely difficult, but at least I have a little bit more of a handle on life than I ever had.
And then anxiety showed up.
Body Neutrality and my mental illness
“I’m okay”, “I’m tired”, “No worries!” and other lies I tell: An ode to my failing mental health
2020 was a train wreck, a dumpster fire, the roller coaster we weren’t allowed to get off, and it doesn’t take much looking to realize everyone is fed up and burnout from the pandemic, over a year of condensed trauma (whether you or someone you knew got sick or not), incompetent people in power, social justice at the forefront of everywhere, up rooted and cancelled life plans, the world is a dart board with every inch covered in things that will decimate your ability to keep going. But 2021 seems to show that 2020 was just a prelude to what our everyday life will be like from here on out.
Content warning!! Candid mental health talk, sucide and suicidal ideation, and open talk about trauma responses (NO details will be given about the traumatic events).
Continue reading“Mr. Copy and Paste” – A Tale of a Micro-(Assistant) Manager
Where do I start? This is gonna be a post of probably the most incompetent manager that I’ve witnessed in my job at this specific retail store, let’s call him Mr. H.
A piece of background info of me is that I have been working at this store since the end of 2018.
Continue readingTimeless not Endless
These days I’m practicing mindfulness every second. I let every smell and sight register. I pace my breaths and try to feel the ground beneath me. Since I moved, I walk every morning and every night, stepping the same street until I’m steady enough to branch off to a new one
Continue readingWhen Failure is Radical.
Affirmations from an unreliable drop out –
I have failed to work with a system that prioritizes productivity over personhood.
I have chosen moving forward over suffering
I will accept myself to spite a value system that does not want acceptance – but always striving for “better”. If I internalize it, that I am always striving for “better”, then I build a comfortable place for the belief that I will never be enough, to rest upon. Instead, I will build space within myself to be less than ideal.
Continue reading“You’re very normal despite the meds you’re taking!”: Coping With Appearing “Normal”
I work at a pharmacy. This means I’m trusted with people’s health information. We have special trash specifically for regular trash, blue HIPPA trash (paper with HIPPA info on it), and green HIPPA trash (plastic with HIPPA info on it). The HIPPA trash is shredded and we’re VERY serious about making sure the trash is separate because our store can be fined a lot of money if we mix that up. The HIPPA trash goes in a locked trash can. That being said, we’re very big on protecting people’s privacy. However, we get a peek into this privacy with every phone call asking “Can you refill my gabapentin?”, which means that they have a form of nerve pain versus “Can you refill my Suboxone?”, which means they are being treated for drug addiction. It’s sometimes scary having all this information especially when we end up memorizing certain patients because they come in bi-weekly or monthly for their medications. Which leads to me, I take five different medications: an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, an anti-seizure medication to treat a side effect from my mood stabilizer, birth control, and most recently, an ADHD medication. I get them all filled at the pharmacy I work at which means my coworkers know which medications I am on. I’m very open about what I take, I have no shame of being on medication, in fact, I love taking medication because I, unfortunately, know who I am/who I was before medication. However, it’s a very different feeling when you are allowing yourself to be open about your medication versus when someone is in charge of you, intimately knows you, and intimately knows what you take, just like my pharmacist.
Continue readingWhat does it mean to be depressed in a pandemic?
We are all going through it right now, but what about those of us that have been in this rut for a while? My family has told me time and time again that “this is hard on everyone”. How does telling me that help? What is the expected response? That I am automatically cured? That I will instantly snap out of my darkness because they pointed out that I am not in fact the only one struggling? I wish that was how it worked. It would save me a lot of money on my medications and therapy sessions.
But the question then occurs to me- how do we help ourselves during this time? This “unprecedented time”? I can’t speak for everyone when I say the outer-world’s behavior has made me feel like I am crazy, but for those of us that have been quarantined since March, everyone that is behaving as though things are normal is driving me Nuts! Not being able to see people, hug my friends, or go get a cup of coffee as normal is pushing me into this dark box that months of therapy once helped me to escape. Sitting in the same room, marathoning the same TV shows, and staring at my screen all day, every day, is exactly what we Aren’t supposed to do. We are supposed to try to get some sunshine, some exercise, socialize, try to get out of the house and remember to brush our teeth and shower. All of that is out the window currently. At least where I am living, people go on walks, but rarely, if ever, wear masks. Socializing is out and what is the point in showering if we are just staying home in pjs? How do we adapt to this new reality for God knows how long?
Trying to stay safe while also maintaining a living is difficult, to say the least. All we can do is try to maintain social distancing guidelines, wear a mask, and hand sanitize All the time. In summary- just try to do your best. Even if that “best” today is getting some food in your system- no matter what it is.
For me? Going to work helps. Zoom calls and checkins. Formulating a schedule. Waking up earlier and petting my dogs. Medication. A more regulated sleep schedule. Small steps. Taking every day one at a time. Social distancing my loved ones. Having open and honest conversations have helped. We are all on the same boat, yes, but that does not mean you need to quiet your emotions or push them down to benefit others. You are valuable. You matter. Your feelings are valid. You are entitled to feel and share your voice. Yes, many are having a really hard time right now, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t struggling too. You are allowed to take up space! Set boundaries with friends and family. Find what your limits are in which you can help those you care about, while also maintaining your mental health. You deserve to be treated well. And the best person to take care of you is You. Remember to breathe and that you are not alone. Someone is in your corner, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You are loved and you are worth the effort.
National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255
It’s Okay Not To Be Okay!
Mental Health has been a topic people have been talking about in today’s
society. Our mental health can impact many of our relationships, friendships,and many experiences we may have in our life. Mental health should be talked about just as much as physical health. We tend to put a great investment of time on physical health but not much for mental health. For example, if someone were to break their leg, they will automatically call a doctor. When addressing mental health many people do not really talk about it, simply because of the stigmas that are attached to it.
We should break the stigmas about mental health and embrace an open
communication through our society. We need to help others know that it is okay to ask for help. Life can be challenging at times and we never know what might happen, but all we can do, is keep our head up and take it one step at a time. Sometimes we go through things in life that makes us feel like we have hit rock bottom but always remember to “just keep swimming” as dory said. Also ask for help if needed. Sometimes we might feel like dory and not know where we are going and how to get somewhere, but just keep your head up and “just keep swimming”.
It is okay not to be okay!
Remember that every difficult road you come across; it often leads to a
beautiful destination. If you ever feel like you are lost or need help, do not
hesitate to ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help. Do not be scared to ask for help! We are all in this together!
Unruly Bodies 