I think its interesting that I could feel an oncoming breakdown. I mean of course it is that time in the semester where this isn’t surprising, being overwhelmed with everything we have not done yet and we still have to do in this short period of time. But I think this is the first time I noticed I can tell. I can feel the anxiety in my bones in a way.

I found this last blog post to be very difficult to write. I felt like I talked about some of the most important things that I think about in my previous post. So instead of writing about a topic that I’m not very passionate about, I decided that I would just talk about how I am feeling and hope that someone reading this could relate.

“A virtual life is shiny and bright. It’s where you post your prettiest pictures and tell all your best news”

We see actors/actresses, models, makeup artists, etc. portrayed on social media, in magazines, and the television and think how beautiful or handsome they are, and we praise them with such high status. Some may think “but why can’t I look like that”, “they look so perfect”, “wow I want to look like that”.

But what is “perfect”? Why can’t we be satisfied with what we look like? Why does it all have to be about your image?

Finals week, or weeks if you’re unlucky are one of the most stressful times for students across academia.  Most college and university students are in the midst of it currently; last minute study sessions, high-stress, low energy, franticness, and anxiousness are all in full swing. At what cost does this come to students?

During week 8 of this course, we read Baynton’s piece “Disability and the Justification of Inequality in American History” and had a class discussion about what it means to be human and where social perceptions of disability come from. I brought up something about how the religious, specifically Christian and Catholic, concept of purity and having a spirit seem to play a role in how disability is perceived. We talked about the idea that humans are made in “God’s own image” and how impairments have historically been understood as “monstrous” and ungodly. Ever since that class, I’ve been meaning to spend some more time thinking about that idea. Recently my family was listening to Christmas music and the song “Mary Did You Know” came on, which is a song about the birth of Jesus Christ and all the things he’d do for the world that Mary wasn’t aware of when she became pregnant with him. There’s a part in the song that immediately reminded me of our week 8 discussion that goes: 

Mary did you know

The blind will see

The deaf will hear

The dead will live again

The lame will leap

The dumb will speak

The praises of The Lamb

Mary, did you know

That your Baby Boy

Is Lord of all creation?

I was listening and I was also reminded about how one of the most special powers Jesus had was the ability to “heal” and “cure” people with what we now understand to be disabilities. I think there’s something very significant about this idea that what convinced skeptics that Jesus was the son of God was that he can cure impairments like blindness, deafness, and walking and speech impairments. It seems to imply that although all humans are made in God’s image, there is something about disabled people that needs to be “fixed” by Jesus who is an extension of God. This further implies that there is something non-human about being disabled and that disabled people do not become human or God-like until their impairments are cured. I think these are really powerful connections that contribute to the historical oppression and cruel treatment of disabled people. Similar to how racists used the Bible to interpret the mark of Cain as dark skin, Bible stories about Jesus’ healing powers seems to have given justification for believing that disability is a physical manifestation of impurity that makes disabled people subhuman and separate from God. 

Since that class discussion, I’ve also become more aware and uncomfortable with the way some Christians tend to speak about the “blessing of good health and a sound mind”. This was something I’ve heard countless times growing up in a Christian household. I think there is probably some critical analysis that can be done about the concept of being blessed in general, but in relation to disability, I find it interesting that being non-disabled is seen as the result of having God’s favor in your life. It again reinforces the notion that disability is an ungodly curse. 

I think that moving forward with disability rights and justice, like many other social justice movements, requires people who subscribe to Christianity to dig deep and really think critically about what they learn from the Bible and how it informs their beliefs about other people. When praising Jesus as the savior of humanity, I think it’s important to question what exactly Jesus is saving us from. Maybe part of his mission was to save human kind from disability. Maybe Jesus was a eugenicist even though he was also someone who taught love and acceptance of all people. I don’t know. But as someone who is non-religious and is always very critical of Christianity in general, I would be interested to hear how disabled Christians understand these kinds of Bible stories and if/how they think about the impact of the praise Jesus received for curing disabilities.

I was scrolling through Twitter and came across a post about USPS’ Operation Santa, a program where you can “adopt” letters from real children and families and be able to make their Christmas wishes come true. The main post had four screenshots of letters that were gut wrenching, with kids asking for basic needs and money to help their family. I could not believe I had not heard of this program before and kept in mind that it officially started on December 4th. I was about to keep scrolling until I saw someone reply with one of the letters from last year. It absolutely shattered my heart.

I would like to preface this with the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive household. This does not take away from all that a college student faces while living at home, but it also means there is also a lot for me to battle on a personal level.

I am the oldest of three. My mother still babies my siblings who are now in 8th grade and high school. For me, it means that my mother puts all of the household responsibilities on me. Such as feeding the dogs in the morning. Taking both dogs out in the morning, sporadic pees in the day, and night. Helping the kids with homework. Making sure the dishwasher is emptied. Assisting her if she isn’t feeling well. Doing the majority of the clean up after dinner. Yet, I am not the only one who lives here. This isn’t a section of me complaining, but rather a look into what else a student may be juggling on Top of school work and whatever job they may have. This is also not even beginning to dive into what it means to have a social life in the current climate, which is a beast in its own.

We as students have a mix of labels thrust upon us at this time. At school I am an adult. At work I am an employee who needs to be at my shift on time and perform my job well. At home I am a kid who needs to “step it up to help around here”. It is hard to balance everything and make everyone happy while still remaining sane.

Within the pandemic itself, the semester never felt like it started. Time is a social construct to begin with, but the lack of structure is displacing. Our entire lives we have been conditioned to go to school and sit in a classroom with a teacher at the front of the room. That is how we have been trained to learn and study. With that particular structure. Yes, there are online universities, but those are specifically structured to be online. We, meaning students and professors, were all thrust into this suddenly and are still learning how to cope. The homework load is insane as it seems professors are overcompensating for lost class time. Not all classes are regularly scheduled, so trying to even get into the groove of normality is near impossible. On top of the insane load mixed with the alternate reality we seem to be in, we are still expected to maintain our GPAs and perform well in our exams.

I want to learn, but being at home while in class has proven more than challenging. I am overworked. Plain and simple. So there have been a class or two I will admit I have fallen asleep in. The perk of being home is that I can go to class in bed and still in my underwear, but it also means there is no distinction between my work time and my relaxation time. I can guarantee I have not learned anything this semester. I have retained nothing. The only thing I have learned is how to get by without focusing on a single thing in class. And I still got a 4.0 this semester. How does that make any sense? I did not pay attention, did the minimal work, and still skated by. What does that mean for our classes? I don’t have the solution to fix anything, but it certainly is not great for students right now, and I wish the people in my life were more sympathetic to it.

It is also hard to see how much we are all struggling when it is the same thing every day. I am so used to seeing my family every day I do not notice any emotional shifts that are happening gradually. My therapist is “concerned” about me because I am exhausted and seem to be more so each week, but hell, I didn’t even notice. The reality for students is that we do not have time to be tired. We are expected to be functioning and ready to go for each exam, each final project, each group discussion, each reading, each writing response, each paper, etc. If we are not on top of everything going on in our lives at any given moment it begins to pile up and add even more pressure to an already crappy situation. We fear for ourselves getting sick at work to come home to do chores and deal with our families to continue to work on All of the hours of homework to only show up to a class that we are only attending for the attendance points and graduate with a degree that is a simple piece of paper we have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for. And what is it all for anyway?

Welcome to being a student in the pandemic. If you graduate without experiencing anxiety, depression, or so much stress your hair is turning grey, can you please tell us the secret to your superpower? It is a rarity that should be studied.

To all the students out there, keep powering through. We are doing our best, and that is enough.