As I write this last post for this class, I am both sad and excited for what the future may hold. I am not sure I will ever get to be so vulnerable again on an open  platform like this. It may not mean as much to you all, but I cherish these posts, and I am very excited about the people we are all  growing to be. These last 2 weeks of class stirred many thoughts in me, I hope you find them useful. 

.It is no secret why the many industrial complexes exist; some saw money in places where change should be.They saw the capability in our bodies and knew only one thing, to create a world where it can produce, and convinced us that is what we wanted. Our limbs became a commodity.  All those caught in the cycle are compelled by living, to live today is to need money, and all other opportunities dim in comparison. We are all desperate to survive, there is no focus on what could be different, only what is. Things seem almost impossible to change. And yet,they will.  Our knowing and learning, critiquing and scholarship, or continued efforts to know is the result of that change. Our experience here in higher education is evident of that change. This will change, if we have the continued heart for it, the continuation of efforts from people before us, people with us now, and people we will pass it to in the future.  

The close of any worthwhile venture has always been the hardest part of anything. This is why cliffhangers irritate the soul, bad endings ruin great shows, and poorly written conclusions ruin great essays. In short, I hate endings, I can never finish them, but I will try to sum up things here the best I can.  The process of becoming can be likened to a symphony; Your body sets the tone for growth.  Each time you have found something worthwhile, another instrument begins to play, growing louder the more you feel you know. As you shift, so does your sound, your body moving to different rhythms: pacing you, pulling you, stopping you.  You make sense of the noise of the world as it comes to make up the parts of you. That is why we find music so valuable, it puts into action our humanity; it is us, laid out for everyone to see, and a great musician or song can unite even the most polarized of people. The feeling of finding a song that moves us to cry, to jump, to stretch our hands in the air, to be content; that is resistance in its best form to all that tries to encompass us.   This experience of being here, writing these posts, reading your thoughts, sitting in class has added to my way of knowing myself, I feel I can see things clearer for what they are. I suppose what I’m hoping to say in all of this is thank you (I have learned something), thank you (I have grown somewhere), thank you (for your time reading this post), thank you (for helping me see myself more clearly).

I don’t want to be a stereotype 

Depression has become a trend and it disgust me 

I feel unspecial when I say I have depression like I have to have suicidal problems to speak freely  

Just for ppl to see me 

To see I’m hanging on by a thread 

That I’d rather be dead 

I don’t know why people want to throw that word around

It’s not cute or cool to feel so anxious you can’t  make a sound 

You can’t make a peep but the voices inside of your head are so loud 

The voices I so desperately wanna drown out 

I don’t even remember what I sound like 

When people ask you “how are you” they just want lies

They want to hear about your happiness not hear your fatal cries 

So I just say ” I’m okay” 

“Why just okay” with their faux-concern they say

Okay for me is I’m still living 

I’m still breathing. I’m still giving 

I think I can relate more to a soldier than a civilian 

Consistently reminding myself to take control and breath in 

Because the war inside myself is everlasting 

I can only feel the wisp of happiness in passing 

I don’t know what to say when my therapist ask me what joy would look like

And I’d feel stupid for asking 

When my friends tell me their problems I can’t help but feel envy 

I wish my greatest problem was if a boy liked me 

Instead I have death as an eternal enemy 

Looming over me 

They tell me drama follows me wherever I go 

Like my life can be compared to a theme of a silly sitcom show 

Why don’t you try fighting death ?

Every day I wake up I choose to take another breath 

How’s that for drama? 

Do I have to videotape my panic attacks for everyone to see how screwed  my head is?

Do you want to see the personal hell it created ?

Will you wipe my tears from my eyes 

Will you give me words of love to match my cries?

Will you tell me to live when I feel like I might die ? 

Maybe you will take me seriously then 

And that’s the problem 

I’m not fragile 

I’m not gray with frail bones and I won’t be for awhile

Don’t even think about treating me like I’m senile 

If you believe that I’m dying too how can I live ? 

If you look at me with those pity eyes I don’t think I’ll want to have another breath to give

All I need is an ear 

My fight with death isn’t yours but it could be yours for you to hear 

If you just ask me “what can I do?” instead of “if you’re okay”

Now I might not even know what to say or know how to help me find my way 

But it doesn’t matter 

By asking that one question..my life you might’ve saved 

Don’t ask me if I’m fine 

Cause no, I’m not okay 

Up until my early high school years, I was not really much of a music person, which some people might consider weird. I was at the lowest point of my life during my high school days, I was depressed. I needed a way to relieve my depression. I struggled to find someone I could talk to. I never tried leaning towards my parents because they always expected me to shake away my emotions. I eventually talked to one of my friends and I was recommended music. As I listened to the, I deeply resonated with the lyrics of the song that I shed tears. It was the first time in my life I thought music had meaning to me on a deeper level. It opened up a new realm of music for me. I then decided to get Spotify and explore everything it had to offer. I started customizing my playlist which consists of my favorite songs and even now, it is still getting updated! I immersed myself to different artists and songs and developed a love towards them and their music. I’m glad I was able to find myself and grow to love music as a whole.

Ever since I found a meaning to music in my life, I listened to it more often, especially when I am studying, working out, or when I’m feeling down. Music had certainly impacted my life positively. I started learning to play the piano and guitar. Whenever I want a space of peace and mind, I play the guitar in my room, as it was a place where I can disregard all my negative emotions and thoughts. Sometimes you just need to have your personal space and really detox yourself.

I can’t imagine not being exposed to the vast variety of music. I probably can’t go a day without it now, and that isn’t an exaggeration! It will forever and always remain in a special place in my heart.

I found our topic on sport sport-industrial complex and its effects on black people to be interesting because I see the same thing in music. I talked about it in my response paper but I wanna go into more depth here

Many African Americans have had music stolen from them by white people. Things such as rock, blues, and country were stolen from African Americans and many white people succeeded in the pain expressed through these songs. Rap music differed heavily though because it was thought of as not music. It was heavily scrutinized by not only white people but even some black people. This would later make it harder for white people to assimilate themselves into rap music.

Rap also eventually took a turn with its lyrics becoming more violent and that was due to people expressing the lifestyle they were surrounded by. This furthered the demonization of rap music especially by white people because they didn’t fully understand that the music was real life for African Americans. Even now there are very few popular white rappers compared to black people. It was a lot harder for white people to break into rap because white people generally had a different experience of life than black people. It’s a lot harder to relate to something you’ve never experienced and you can’t really connect.

With the failure of white people to get into rap and the popularity of rap, music labels really tried to capitalize on them. Many rappers come from impoverished areas and are rapping to get out of their situation. Music labels feed on this and offer this money to these rappers (generally African Americans) take the majorithy of their revenue and extort them. Rappers are presented with money they’ve never had access to and they don’t know how to effectively use it and that’s what the music labels want. It gives them absolute control over the rapper and at any moment they aren’t making enough money they could be dropped just like that. To make it worse the same people who claim that rap music is “vulgar” is also the same people who are heads of these labels and only want to use them to get money. Many rappers call rap a modern day slavery.

Embracing myself …..

In a world that constantly urges us to conform, it can be tempting to change who we are to fit into different environments. However, I have come to realize that true happiness lies in embracing our individuality and staying true to ourselves, regardless of the circumstances. In today’s blog post, I want to share my personal experiences and insights on how I have navigated the challenge of maintaining my identity while adapting to various environments. I firmly believe that one should never feel ashamed of their culture, spirituality, or any part of their identity, as these aspects make us who we are.

One aspect of my identity that I have always treasured is my religion and culture. Wherever I go, I carry these integral parts of myself with me. Embracing my religion and culture has not only provided me with a sense of belonging but has also allowed me to connect with others who share similar backgrounds. I firmly believe that by remaining true to my religious and cultural values, I am able to foster a profound sense of self-worth and authenticity. My spiritual life has always been a central pillar of my identity. It has guided me through difficult times and provided solace and strength in the face of adversity. I firmly believe that nurturing our spiritual well-being is essential for maintaining our authenticity. Whether it’s through prayer, meditation, or engaging in spiritual practices, dedicating time to nourish our souls allows us to stay grounded and true to ourselves regardless of the environment we find ourselves in.

In a society that often places immense pressure on individuals to conform, it can be challenging to resist the temptation to change ourselves to fit in. However, I have learned that true happiness and fulfillment come from embracing our uniqueness. Instead of succumbing to social expectations, I choose to celebrate my individuality, allowing my differences to shine rather than dulling them. It is crucial to surround ourselves with supportive and accepting individuals who appreciate us for who we are. By seeking out like-minded friends and communities, we create safe spaces where our identity is respected and cherished. These connections not only reinforce our sense of self, but they also inspire us to continue embracing our individuality and remaining true to ourselves in any environment. As I navigate different environments, I realize the importance of educating others about my culture, religion, and spiritual practices. By raising awareness, I break down stereotypes and foster an atmosphere of understanding and acceptance. It is through open dialogue and cultural exchange that we can create inclusive environments where diverse identities are valued.

In a world that often pressures us to conform, it is essential to resist the urge to change ourselves to fit into various environments. By embracing our religion, culture, and spiritual lives, we can build a strong sense of self and feel empowered to stay true to who we are. Let us celebrate our individuality and educate others, creating environments that foster understanding and acceptance. Remember, never feel ashamed of your identity; it is what makes you unique and beautiful.

All my life I’ve been a music enthusiast, hell, even my family is as they have always had a certain type of rhythm. My mom and other family members grew up in Panama where music was very prevalent, whether it was Jamaican music, reggae in Espanol, salsa, bachata etc. that early on was instilled into me. That ear for beats and lyrics all came from my people and their habits as well as my environment. Growing up I listened to a lot of hip hop as an inner-city urban kid that went through progressions. Music in a lot of ways was therapeutic to me and helped me get through things and situations that were stressful and prevalent at the time and even gave me a better love and understanding of the things that I listened to. To me, I listen to everything and have because the different genres of music often times match with the feelings I currently hold. If I’m sad or depressed one day I might listen to sad alternative music; if I’m happy the next I might listen to joyous or rowdy hip hop or rock. Music to me is more than just music, it’s a lifestyle and a characteristic that describes me and who I am as an individual. There was a point in time when I was so wrapped up into music that I became a producer for a while, learning how to produce beats and mix & master tracks. Those days are long gone but all in all it caused me to have a deeper connection with music. The music I’ve listened to and continue to listen too also inspired me to pursue photography and arts. It was not the sole reason why I pursued those options but did play a factor on those decisions. I’m a very creative person in general and music and arts like photography and videography go hand in hand so that transition was fairly easy for me in that sense of becoming a content creator.

I started doing photography in 2018 and now if your able to see some of the stuff that I have now, it has a lot of music incorporated in a lot of ways by far. Overall, music is in ways my saving grace and has navigated me through my up and downs through relatability and continues to do so as my life keeps on moving. It keeps me sane when I’m out of it, it keeps me alive when I’m at my highest, it truly is a wonderful thing to have access to within my everyday life, almost like a necessity. Most times my mind can’t live without it which is why you see me with headphones all the time but to me putting those headphones in and listening to artists is like the equivalency of drinking water at this point, its just that effortless. Ever since I was little all the way till now, music has been essential towards every aspect of my life. I can keep going on and on, but I think you all get the memo. Music is music but to me it’s more than just that.

Recently I had the opportunity to participate in a dance for a school organization event on campus. While this seemed exciting I was extremely hesitant as I didn’t believe that I was “built” to dance. I was very nervous going into the first practice because I knew that there was going to be a clear distinction between my size and the other girl’s size. However, I knew I wanted to participate as this is my last semester and I wanted to do something that was out of my comfort zone. The first practice went really well and I was caught off guard. All the girls that I would be dancing with were really nice and helpful when going over the dance moves. Going to these dance practices really made me feel better about myself and my body. During these practices I noticed how much work it really was to dance for even a minute straight. I became more aware of my movements and my environment in a good way. Learning to position myself in different places and finding different ways to dance to a certain lyric was very fun for me. Another thing about me is that I dislike public speaking, even presenting in class is a big barrier for me. I get really nervous and tend to mess up a lot, so cue to event day, I remember not being nervous at all when I was about to perform in front of 200+ people. I was shocked at myself too because usually I would be jittery or trying to back out at the last minute. The actual performance was a blur for me but all I know is that I did my best and I felt really good about myself. Becoming more aware of my surroundings reminded me of “As the Earth Dances” by Kimerer LaMothe “Insofar as dancing can educate people’s sensory awareness to their own movement as the movement of nature within them…” I related to this as I was very aware of my own environment during practice and during the actual performance. Overall, I am really glad I did this before I graduated and had fun doing it!