I often lose myself to music, let the song pick up and carry the emotions I don’t have the words for, allow my mind to drift and my body to move in whatever way feels best for it in those moments. With joy, excitement, sensuality, silliness, vibrancy I may dance. A simple sway to carry my sadness, yearning, heartache, hope into the world. Jumping, yelling, crying, shaking the walls of my home in vengeance, anger, reclamation. And sometimes absolute stillness, a quiet rest for my body while my mind runs through the world of the song and creates the movement and emotion and expression behind my eye.

Songs, I truly believe, are the sound of the soul. The way our spirits communicate the things we know but can’t explain, the lessons we internalize and let spill out with our voices and bodies. The communion between ourselves and those we love. What feeling is better than the one we share when enjoying music and dance with those we love. Driving with the windows down screaming lyrics at the top of our lungs, choreographing stupid little dances to a favorite tune to share with the world, learning the steps to a dance number for a celebration or just for fun, going out for a night of karaoke or dancing at the bars. These are the moments that feed our soul, that relieve the burden of living for a moment and lets us fly. This is what music and dance is to me. My friend, my comfort, my dictionary. The catharsis of movement, of sound, is healing. It is why we listen to sad songs, to angry songs, to happy songs. The range and depth of music tells so much of its own story and purpose. It is art. It is life, in its many forms. It is history.

The form and matter of dance tells us so much about who we are, where we come from, how comfortable we feel in the world, how we feel in time. It is a diary of who we were, who we are, who we want to be. Without song and dance, the world would be dull and lifeless, empty of that magic that makes life worth living.

I live in my body every day. I experience the world through the eyes of my body. It is my vision that allows for interaction, and my choices of how to take action or respond that shape who I am as a person. My body should be in my control. So why do other people have so much say on how I live my life? I used to go to the gym twice a week at the break of dawn so no one was in the gym, but recently more people started going to the gym and it’s gotten more crowded. I tell myself I don’t go anymore because of the crowds, but I know it’s more so because my gym buddies won’t be there with me. Having other people with me helps me forget about other people and in turn increases my self-confidence. Very much so the safer in a group mentality. So even though it’s my body, and I know these people’s opinions won’t hurt me, and know I will survive any mean comments or judgmental stares, I’m still scared to go to the gym. It doesn’t help that I don’t look like any of the other people in the gym. How people interpret my body, the comments and staring, has affected how I move about the world. Other people also affect what I wear and how I sit or stand. If I try to have good posture I feel too tall (I’m not even tall standing.) and like I’m drawing attention to myself. If I wear something revealing I’m scared people will misinterpret what I might say or do. There is judgment everywhere, and society rewards the judgmental, social media, magazines, hot or not lists all promote the practice of judging someone’s body and assigning worth to a specific look. I believe one of the things that makes feeling judged worse is also being judgmental of others. If I’m judging other people, then that same energy from myself is reflected back sometimes even harsher than the original judgment. According to the article “Why Do We Judge Other People?” from Psychology Today, judging perpetuates a cycle of negativity and pushing other people down to make yourself feel better. So other than the gym equipment being unavailable, I have the ability to go, have fun and move my body. It’s a matter of mindset and not internalizing the judgment other people give.

The link to the Psychology Today Article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-eating-disorders/202110/why-do-we-judge-other-people

(Obove: Mary Wigman)

Often, I look back on my life and wish I hadn’t given up on dance.  I, like so many little girls, took ballet and tap at a very young age but gave up after a little over a year or so.  I didn’t like to practice at home so I never developed the hip flexibility necessary to be a dancer.  In high school, I took a semester of dance and I learned some valuable lessons that I will never forget…regarding dance, that is.  I learned that dancing on the balls of your feet, on releve, as it’s called, allows you to move faster.  I learned to appreciate the creativity of choreography.  When I studied at Anne Arundel Community College, I took a year of modern dance and I think I can honestly say it was one of the best classes I have ever taken in my academic career.  I learned so much about dance history, about technique, and about the human body in motion.  In that class, we focused mostly on Martha Graham’s technique, the mother of modern dance, a legend.  Most of the students in that class were very good dancers and knew what they were doing.  I was among the few students who weren’t quite the most graceful but it was still an enjoyable experience.   I got so much out of that class; it changed my life even though I’m not a dancer.  Mikhail Baryshnikov has a special place in my heart as we were born in the same country (Latvija). He is an amazing human. I have seen videos of him defying the laws of physics.

Who doesn’t like music?  I can’t imagine a life without music, it’s magic.  The last time I went to a concert was to see Barry Manilow.  He was just phenomenal, especially for an eighty year old man.  He still has great hair and can still hit some very impressive notes.  I was so upset though that people were talking, and photographing the concert without any regard to others around them.  There were so many drunk people in the audience; I can not fathom why one would get drunk at a concert.  How can you enjoy it if you’re inebriated?  Moreover, it was so disrespectful in my opinion.  Manilow is a serious musician, a brilliant composer.  

 Now, this might sound a bit pretentious but is not meant to.  I, on occasion, like to listen to opera music.  I have been to the opera once and saw Don Giovanni at the Kennedy Centre a couple of years ago and it was just incredible.  How they do what they do with their voices is a phenomena…and to do it in Italian and/or German!?  I would love to one day see Carmen or La Traviata.  My favorite aria is “Sempre Libera” from La Traviata by Verdi.  There are really only two opera singers whose work I enjoy and go out of my way to listen to: Maria Callas and Renée Flemming.  I also would like to mention that I adore an overture.  Perhaps the most beautiful overture I can think of off the top of my head is the overture to The Light in the Piazza by Adam Guettel, the grandson of wait for it… Richard Rogers!! I think there are many instrumental pieces that say more than songs with lyrics.  For example, “Lux Aeterna” by Clint Mansell is a piece with such intensity.  It also happens to be the overture or theme to the film, Requiem for a Dream.  To put it plainly, I believe instrumental pieces carry more emotion than lyrics.  Eugen Doga, a composer from Moldova, has written some of my favorite pieces.  He wrote many a waltz that make you feel like dancing when you’re just sitting down.  I am very grateful to my sister for introducing me to her favorite classical pieces and to my brother and his wife for introducing me to music in the alternative genre. (Side note: I am listening to Taylor Swift as I write this entry.)

The last couple weeks have been a journey to say the least. My meds started to kick in, the depression is not as horrible, but now I feel so guilty and worthless that I pretty much failed this semester. I loved this class, yet I missed so many classes and let the missing assignments pile up. I thought I could be better. I thought I was better than this. Because of my parents, I tend to keep school stuff to myself out of fear of being yelled at or specific reactions because it bring me to a very negative mental space, and I do not think remembering and feeling that again is going to do anything but harm. Due to this, I have an extremely hard time accepting help out of fear of judgement and failure. Because to my parents, at least the way I interpret it is that I am a failure until I get a degree. Do I know thats not true? Deep down, yes, but its still something that weighs on me most I had no chance to morn the losses though, I had too much going on, and I honestly don’t think I wanted to sit with those emotions. I do that alot, I just make a joke about it, and keep going. Im in survival mode and working in therapy to try to work on the things that put me in survival mode and it is hitting nerves I didn’t know existed. It is terrifying. I am more traumatized than I thought and have way less control over my own emotions than I thought. I hate that, I like having control, I like being able to turn off my emotions and shove them down, to not remember the bodies and hands that have forced themselves on me, or the mouths that have screamed at me so loud the neighbors could hear, or the insults that brought me to my room sobbing alone for hours. I do not want to remember those times, to re feel that pain that I worked so hard to mask and shove down, but I have to. I have to because I have a boyfriend and I wanted to enjoy things with him, I have to because Im tired of feeling worthless each time I walk into my childhood bedroom, I have to so I don’t keep allowing abusive people in my life. I have to because I want to thrive, not just survive. But then the question, am I capable of thriving? Ive only survived my whole life, I am so sure and so unsure at the same time that it needs to happen now. I cannot continue with my brain this distorted, if I want to help people for a living, I must help myself first. So I have to ask myself how bad I want it, do determine how capable I am of thriving in this life.

My 2023 has been a pure episode believe it or not, and if there’s anything that can describe it it’s my Apple Music Replay. By listening to the music I play, you’ll understand the type of person I am. I listen to specific music when I’m in certain moods, if I am hype, sad, angry, etc.

Destroy Lonely has been my favorite artist this year, a hip-hop/rap artist from Atlanta, Georgia. He’s been my favorite this year because of his versatility in production of his music, from underground to real rap to flowy music. Lonely has been someone I’ve listened to on repeat this year because I can listen to him with my friends and embrace the energetic fun side of myself.

Don Toliver, as people like to call “rap-n-b” artist is another one of my favorite artists. His album, Life of a Don, has been a hit for me this past summer. (If you’re sad) or going through a plethora of emotions, listen to You. I promise you’ll love the song, maybe even get the song stuck in your head. This album has helped me get out of low moods and bring my esteem back up.

Sofaygo is my favorite artist all around. He’s not well known by other music listeners, but he’s a goat in my eyes. When I’m able to relate to music it sounds better, and I can relate to all his music. He can be placed anywhere from hip-rap to R&B. He, just like Destroy Lonely, is a super versatile artist when it comes to his music flow.

Lastly, ICE SPICE. She’s not in my favorites, but her come up this year in music has been successful. She’s one of those artists that you turn on and can’t not dance to. Being that she’s from New York, she puts out mainly drill music like other New York artists. Deli took a hit this summer, one of the most played songs on my replay list.

All in all, if you can’t tell I LOVE MUSIC. I can get down to a lot of music even if I don’t really like what’s playing. My life without music is bland, and I also believe culturally that music brings many groups together and flashes a positive light. Open up your music taste. 🙂

Gender roles have always stood out to me my whole life. As a kid, I remember weighing out the pros and cons of being a man vs a woman in my head and I remember trying to pick which one I would want to be based on gender roles and restrictions. Even as a child, I could tell that men and women moved differently throughout the world. They each had their own set of rules, and they each had drawbacks. I saw that men were expected to do all the work, and maybe even go to war, but they were respected and paid more which I did want. I noticed women were allowed to have emotions, but they were treated like nothing basically. I found myself in a place in-between wishing I could be both. In elementary school I discovered that the word for this feeling was androgyny, and that I was an androgynous person. I wanted no strings attached to the way I act in society. I want to be respected and also allowed to be soft. I feel as if the restrictions placed on gendered individuals is almost taking a part of the human experience away from yourself.

A current day example that I experience as a she/they is having breasts. I’m sure this is a common source of gender dysphoria for many. Having breasts that bounce and move when you walk is such a waving banner that says female. When I wear tight bras or binders, I feel more comfortable. I feel like I’m able to move in the world and I shouldn’t be ashamed of how I am moving. If I am not wearing a binder and I take a hard step, I’m worried that I look like I am trying to get attention or something, but when my breasts are bound, I am free to move and not be noticed. There is a sort of shame surrounded with having breasts, and I have been fighting with that since puberty. I remember actually mourning the loss of my flat chest when I was like 12, I cried, and cried about how I wouldn’t be able to do so many things anymore. Upset that I couldn’t lie down on my stomach, I was upset that I would have to wear uncomfortable bras and be more careful in public. It was just so much of a burden. Looking back I absolutely think I would’ve had the same reaction because they’re truly are a lot of restrictions that come with having breasts and I do still miss having a flat chest.

Recently, whenever I think of dressing up, I have to consider hair, makeup, and everything else with the outfit. Part of me doesn’t quite understand it, but I do. Internalized transphobia seems to be the thing that people define it as. The forcing of gender expression into a binary. However, I see it as more of a barrier to me feeling truly authentic in my “other” form separate from what I was assigned at birth and socialized in. For me, the binary exists as a struggle to not feel like a fake.

Looking at my face, I keep thinking about getting makeup to cover my face, but then I start thinking about where to keep the makeup and how I would have time to put it on. I look at silicone breastforms and hip pads which would create more of a feminine body, but I have to consider how I would take them to the place I want to change at and how much privacy I would have. This is one of the reasons why being a hatching transfeminine demiflux magnifies the struggles of commuting, and why commuting creates more of a struggle in being a hatching transfeminine demiflux.

That struggle is not being able to bring everything out of the closet when I enter a safe space, so I end up not allowing myself any expression.

I consider myself to be a person that is decent with planning things, but when it’s come to my expression in the past year, I could never have planned for that or the imposter syndrome that would follow. Every time I think about going out wearing a cute outfit and heels and a wig, I have to stop myself and then feel the recoil of stopping myself in such a way.

And after all that, I look at a reflection of myself and feel like a fraud.

That feeling of not being able to express myself and then feeling like that expression does not reflect who I am hurts, and I want to find a way to surpass it, but I feel stuck right now.

How do you force yourself from expressing yourself and still feel like you?

Is there a space between you and not you?

CW: Suicidal Ideation/Mental health

I’ve been struggling with my mental health for a while now. It’s had it’s ups and downs but lately it has mostly been downs and I don’t know how to get out of it. My ADHD and mainly my Major Depression severely impeded my abilities to complete assignments this semester and this was SUPPOSED to be the semester that I graduated. I really wanted to graduate too but at the beginning of the semester I made a mistake when trying to switch my classes around because I didn’t like one of my initial classes that I was enrolled in (Ancient Greek Studies). In order for me to change to a different class that fulfilled the same credit, I had to drop a class that I WAS interested in taking and learning about and when I replaced that class I messed up thinking the new class that I chose fulfilled THAT credit that I needed. My schedule/ track progress went from 100% to 98% but didn’t update until the day AFTER schedule changes closed so I was basically screwed from the start. I ended up having to fill out a late enrollment petition and that only prolonged the process and made me fall further behind in the new course I was trying to enroll in. I did my best to try and remember due dates and turn things in on time but I will admit I still missed a lot of deadlines and it’s just so frustrating when you want to be productive but your executive dysfunction is on another level completely. It’s even worse when you’re self aware of what’s going on as well, like I mean come on, this is literal torture and I don’t know how to break the cycle. People say “Just power through it” but how am I supposed to power through it when I have been passively suicidal on and off (mostly on) for the past few years? Not to mention my parents don’t even know either so that will be SO fun when they find out that I failed YET AGAIN. They don’t understand that I have been asking for a break for a while now but they are tired of waiting for me to finish school and move on with my life. I have little to no motivation to do anything except go out and party with friends because doing that is the only thing right now that has helped me to not actually try to act on any bad thoughts of self harm/unaliving.

My dad made it out and he made sure that I would be able to make a life for myself without the help of anyone but myself. The discussion we had as a class on black bodies in sports, specifically black boys, was one of the more influential discussions I’ve participated in. The significance of sports in the black community as a means of overcoming struggles and adversity has become the standard for black children who are facing hardship. The social structure built around that belief has caused an influx of black children to be drawn away from other means of escaping their circumstances, with the fear and belief that other avenues weren’t built for them and they won’t succeed there. Education is the route that is so overlooked because access and quality were never seen as pillars in predominantly black communities. The same can be said about small village communities in Africa where my father was raised. Instead of sports being the means out of poverty in Africa there was farm work as well as generational labor. Being that this is not what my father wanted for himself and his family he made sure that he got an education and a high level one at that. Education is the one thing that no one can take away from you, he used to say that all throughout my childhood. The goal of professional sports as a career has become so normalized despite the scarcity of spots to fill while education has become something that others are ridiculed for entertaining. When I read more about the origin of the abuse of young black bodies for entertainment I can’t help but feel that the goal was to turn them against education to keep them in lower positions of social status. When I was younger it was almost like he never wanted me to fall in love with sports as I played them in fear that I would repeat the cycle and focus more on them than on education. As I’m sitting in class though i’ve realized it’s taking me as much resolve as a student to graduate as an athlete trying to go pro. That resolve wouldn’t have been where it needed to be had I not seen education as a keystone to improving your circumstances.

For the past several years, music has been an integral part of my daily life. Whether it be walking around the school campus, attempting to do my schoolwork, or even just idling in my room listening to music, it’s very rare for me to not have something to listen to. In fact, I’m actually listening to music right now as I write this. Besides the ways that music is woven into my daily life, it is also a huge part of my background. I grew up learning how to play the piano, joined the school choir in elementary and middle school, and later joined band and the marching band for the entirety of high school. I’ve always been fascinated by the ways people create and compose music, especially instrumental music. Game soundtracks fall under my interest in instrumental music, with one of my favorite songs of all time, My Castle Town by Toby Fox, being extremely high on my spotify wrapped for the past 3 years (plus me being in his top .005% listeners for 3 years straight). Music also helps keeps my brain ticking whenever I do work since it helps take the “edge” off my procrastination sometimes. Writing on the Wall by Will Stetson in 2023 was my most played spotify song because I had a deadline due and I listened to that song for around 5 hours straight in order to actually focus on my work.