I took an English 493 course titled Science, Rhetoric, and the Body a couple years ago and it was a super enlightening class and a great introduction to disability studies for me. One topic we discussed a bit was the concepts of physiognomy and phrenology (the judgement of character based on facial features and the shape of the skull respectively). These used to be scientific concepts and were genuinely studied as a way to diagnose criminal behavior, but were ultimately judgements based solely in racism, anti-semtitisim, and ableism. While we may see ourselves as far past appearance based judgements (how many times as a child were you told “don’t judge a book by its cover?”), these concepts are still present in small but insidious ways in the media we consume, most noticeable in animation.
A few weeks ago I was on the phone with a friend who didn’t feel comfortable getting vaccinated. She complained that today we trust doctors too much and that “Big Pharma” just wants to keep us sick so we should look after our own health. I tried to argue that there was plenty of reason to trust in the vaccine and she responded:
“After your experience with your doctor, don’t you see where I’m coming from now?”
Last week at a family function, my cousin had told us he had a new girlfriend. Everyone was genuinely happy for him, he’s had an interesting dating track record, and his smile that night was infectious. A few hours later our family group chat began to explode, someone had found this new girl’s Instagram, and with a few clicks located her page with almost 20k followers (impressive) and a little blue link to her Only Fans account. Within hours the excitement of a new relationship was quickly turned over into “How do we stop this relationship”. A little back story, I come from a mostly very conservative, very Christian family. I was once under the fire for coming out as gay, and thankfully things have evolved, all in time. You learn a lot about yourself and your strength when people are judging you just for who you are.
Upon hearing this news, I didn’t think anything of it. I had never had a conversation with this girl, and who I am to judge what she does with her body. Unfortunately, most of those close-minded nitwits didn’t share my feelings. It can be so hard to love truly problematic people. His mother locked herself in her room for days, wondering what she had done so wrong that her son would be with a girl “like that”. My other cousins followed suit, and called and texted him to make sure he knew what a mistake he was making. There was a full-blown attack on this girl, to who none of us had spoken a single word. I felt like I was the only person with a working soul.
They didn’t know her story, where’s she’s come from, or where she hopes to go. They know nothing about her. Everything they think they needed to know, was on the internet and could be subscribed to for $11.99 a month. I’ve tried my hardest to bring them into this century, to show them how this outlet does so much good for people, and remind them what she does with her body is her choice. It was interesting to me how this one minor detail threw everyone into a tailspin. If we found out she was a nurse or a journalist, I think the reaction would have been a bit different.
She’s set to come to a party we are having this weekend, I’m very excited to meet her. She seems kind, vivacious, and confident. I can wait to hear her story, that is only her’s to tell. I also plan to do my extra best to make her feel welcome. The thing about these judgmental turds, is they eventually come around. I know this may seem cheesy, but I’ve always made sure to listen to that overdone saying, and never judge a book by its cover.
A TikTok that I saw the other day made me think about the difference between fat shaming and skinny shaming. In the TikTok, the girl was told by someone, “you’re so skinny!” Her response was, “you’re so fat!” Many people in the comments started to argue with her, saying that she was fatphobic. It was almost as if they were rebuking all types of body shaming except for when it came to skinny people.
This controversy made me think about my own insecurities and body experiences. I’ve been skinny my whole life, and I hate it. Nothing is worse than people constantly asking you if you eat, or telling you that you’re built like sticks. People would literally look me up and down and tell me I look anorexic. People don’t always realize that some people are just born in a certain way. I’ve spent money on protein shakes that don’t work or are to heavy for me to drink. I’ve forced myself to eat to the point where I felt like gagging or throwing up. My weight affects my life in numerous ways. Going out to eat with people, I feel forced to eat quickly and in large amounts, because almost every time I eat with people they tell me that I am skinny because I don’t eat enough.
Many people made the argument that being skinny is society’s expectation for women. And they’re right, to an extent. That isn’t the case at all anymore. i don’t know about the white community, but i know that in the black community the popular norm now is to have a big butt and thighs. If you have that, you automatically have a nice body. There’s nothing wrong with that either– I feel that with the fact that most black women naturally have a lot of junk in the trunk, it’s a good thing that society has grown to embrace these body types. But what about the black girls who don’t have it? There are times I don’t even where certain clothing because it will be too evident that I have no ass. Growing up and even still now, people have always teased me about having a small butt. But the point is not even to make people pity my skinniness. No one has a “perfect” body, and everyone’s body is different. No matter what you look like, body shaming is wrong. And I think that’s the part that people miss.
It is no secret that oppression of the obese is worse and will probably always be worse than making fun of skinny people. However , there shouldn’t be a battle of oppression. Everyone has feelings and no one should be shamed for things they can’t control even though, those things might seem glorious to another person. That’s why I agree with that girl that made the TikTok. We are all beautiful. It is never okay to make fun of anyone.
So, earlier today, I was sent out to drive to get an order from McDonalds. It sounded simple enough, I just had to go through the drive-thru and repeat the order number, and they would give it to me. Little did I know, that it would become more complicated. My mom told me it was just a happy meal and an Oreo McFlurry, but she did not tell me the contents of the Happy Meal would be. So when I got home, my mom told me that I got a wrong order. Yes, I got a Happy Meal Order with an Oreo McFlurry, but it was from another paying customer who also placed an order. And my mom got mad at me, even though I just did what I was told. I went there by car, and recited the order number and got the order that was given to me. I’m not sure why she got mad at me, for it, as if it was my fault that employees there got the order mixed up.
It got me thinking of exactly why the employees would mess up, however, and it got me thinking about my own behavior. I behaved like a robot, like a cog in the machine, simply doing what I was told instead of asking questions. And from that, I figured the employee was the same way. They did not ask me the specifics of the order, only that an order that matched the criteria I gave. It’s almost scary how nobody in this situation questioned any further than was necessary. Yes, I was a customer, and yes they were just the producer, but there should have been more inquiry between the both of us.
And I got thinking even further, about the things we accept in our society that we don’t question. Like, how it’s normal for children to stand up and recite the pledge of allegiance, which is practically indoctrination when you get right down to it. And I think it’s mainly apathy that’s led to this, and things like the bystander effect. If it doesn’t personally involve you, it’s hard to empathize with someone over any issue. At the end of the day, it’s just food, and it’s just money that’s being traded.
This past year I had finally learned the definition of this word. While as small as it is and as silly as it may sound it has completely changed my thought process.
The definition is as follows.
Sonder – noun. The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own – populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited craziness.
As a kid I could have never understood this concept. I was guilty of thinking that everyone else’s life was so easy, and that it is just me who is suffering. However, through the years of maturing, meeting new people, having new experiences, and listening to others I realized how wrong I was.
While no one I met has had the same exact experiences as me, I know that they are just as serious and just as complex.
People struggle with so many things. Identity, sexuality, conversation, depression, anxiety, mental health, physical or mental disability, and the list could continue forever. While some things people struggle with are visible; I would say that almost all of them are invisible to the people in this world.
You look at each stranger you pass by on the street. You don’t know them. You don’t know where they are from, what they have encountered, who or what is in their life. All of these questions are impossible to answer unless you ask them.
There is so much to learn from the people that you don’t know. That is the beauty of the word sonder. While it is hard to wrap one’s head around the fact that everyone is struggling with different things just like you are it is also beautiful that you are not alone. While no one knows what you may feel, there will be someone to listen and help you.
I will finish by saying, everyone in this world is unique and beautiful. Every struggle and every voice should be heard. The next time you see someone you do not know, think about the word sonder.
Why is asking for help so difficult? As long as I can remember I literally never want to ask for help. In my mind, I always feel like my problem just aren’t deemed important enough to need someone else to help me. But why do I feel like that? So many people ask for help every day and it is never an issue so why can’t I?
This past year I had my 4th ACL surgery. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it is a major knee surgery. It wasn’t my first time going through this kind of thing, I knew what to expect. I knew I was going to be on crutches for 6 week and I wasn’t going to be able to walk, yet why would I ask for anyone to help me? It pained me to have to ask people to grab simple things for me or drive me from one place to another. I literally couldn’t walk. It was okay for me to ask for help, yet I still didn’t want to because I felt like a burden to friends constantly needing someone around. It wasn’t until my boyfriend and my best friend stopped waiting for me to ask for help, they would just already be there to do anything I needed. I wish I could figure out why I didn’t want to just ask for some help on tasks I knew I couldn’t handle and I had people around me to help.
I feel like sometimes as a society we don’t want to ask for help when we need it because we don’t want to be seen as weak. Or maybe that’s just me? I think I just hate having to rely on other people. I am a very independent person, but even so, there are so so many people that care enough to help me, yet I just don’t accept it. For instance my dad asks me everyday, when are you gonna get a math tutor? I answer every time saying “soon” knowing very well I am not going to get one even though I need one yet I just refuse to ask for help. Maybe I am just afraid of not being able to take everything on by myself? Maybe my own insecurities? I feel like I am making life way more difficult for myself.
No matter how much I think I have my body “under control”, I just simply don’t. I struggle day in and day out with the idea of looking perfect, and to everyone elses expectations of what a woman’s body should look like. Instagram isn’t doing me any favors, neither is TikTok, or Twitter; let’s just say the internet in general. It seems that no matter how many calories I track, how much I weigh when I step on the scale, how good I look that day, I’m just simply unhappy with my body.
I think not only does it stem from the pressure of society, but the weight from myself when I compare to other good looking women that everyone seems to want. Everyone wants to be their friend, their significant other, they’re wanted. I am simply… not (at least in my mind). I try to pretend like I am happy with what I look like, and who I am is enough, but it is just lies and is simply not true. Thoughts deceive me every time I think I have made progress to loving my body, and being what they consider “body positive”. Shrinking myself to be close to the weight I used to be, while torturing myself by not having the foods I want and crave. It all seems too much to bare sometimes. So. Much. Pressure. Especially if you workout. Instead of just wanting to get your body moving, now you’re focusing on if you see any results, if you gained any muscle but lost any fat. If you met your macros and calories for the day. Being “healthy” is being in a caloric deficit apparently.
Being who we are SHOULD BE ENOUGH. Being funny and smart and would do anything for anyone, even if it was a stranger on the street. Having compassion should be enough. Being there for your loved ones should be enough. It’s about what you DO in this life, not how you physically appear to others. I want to be healthy, but for ME. Not so I can look good for anyone else, but so I can physically feel better. I admit my choices in my diet aren’t the best, but life is also too short to give a crap about that. I want to enjoy moments that I may never get back, and people I love, not have to worry about bringing my own meals to an event to be able to “hit my goals” so they say. It all seems like there has to be a better way to be healthy. I guess the first step is to accept yourself and do the inner work, the outer work won’t happen without it.
To understand this unfortunate phenomenon that spreads across hospitals both nationally and internationally, I will be focusing on the terrifying ordeal that a black woman who remains unidentified described in a TIME magazine interview entitled “I was Pregnant and in Crisis. All the Doctors and Nurses saw was an Incompetent Black Woman.”
The woman’s ordeal began when she was four months pregnant and sometime after experiencing persistent feelings of discomfort she began to bleed while at work. From the jump the women understood that the odds would be stacked against her in the workplace and realized that she could not make a scene. If she would’ve “overplayed” her pain and suffering, she could be subject to criticisms from her white peers of laziness and seen as being dramatic. As a result, the woman made sure to complete the work assigned to her before she called her husband to pick her up from work.
Once the woman arrived, she found herself having to wait in the waiting room for at least 30 minutes despite calling ahead to make an appointment and describe her symptoms. The bleeding got so severe that she bled through the waiting room chair. It wasn’t until then that the nurses expressed any ounce of concern and finally took her to see the doctor. However, the Doctor’s explanation was dense. He gave her a diagnosis of being “fat “and tried to assure her that the spotting was “normal.” And just like that, she was sent home. Later that night, the woman began experiencing severe butt pain and when she eventually called the nurse, she dismissed it as constipation and suggested that she try to use the bathroom. The pain lasted about three days with the woman unable to sleep more than fifteen minutes over that time span.
After returning to the hospital, the nurses were now implying that the woman had eaten something bad which is why she was in so much pain but “begrudgingly” agreed to finally do an ultrasound and the results were stunning. What appeared in the women’s ultrasound were “three babies” but the problem was the woman was only pregnant with one. It was quickly determined that the other two ‘babies’ were actually large tumors. With that information the doctor dismissed the woman with a lack of concern stating, “If you make it through the night without going into preterm labor, I’d be surprised.” The woman was then moved into the maternity ward where she was reprimanded by nurse saying that she had actually been in labor for three days and should’ve said something.
Following these intense days of pain that would not end, the woman was finally wheeled into the operating room to deliver her baby. After arriving into the operating room, the pain was so severe that she began falling in and out of consciousness. For one moment that she woke up, the woman began screaming profanities in response to the pain as many pregnant women in labor do but to no surprise, she found herself being reprimanded again. The woman began begging for an epidural in which the anesthesiologist took forever to arrive to her side and when he did, threatened the woman that if she didn’t quiet down she would not receive the epidural.
After passing out once the woman received her epidural, it was time for her deliver her baby, a girl, who died after her first breath. As if the ordeal hadn’t been heartbreaking enough, the nurse left the woman the most chilling words aster it was “over.” The nurse said, “Just so you know, there was nothing we could have done, because you did not tell us you were in labor.”
Unruly Bodies 