religion

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for her

6 months ago we started dating. my second ever queer relationship and i knew it would have to be my last. somewhere along those 6 months i fell hard for you. you took my fragile heart gently and cupped it in your hands tightly.

last night you told me that your dad found out that you were dating a girl, and had given you an ultimatum. you have two years to decide- live the way you are living and move out of my house or start living righteously. (who told him? who saw us together? were we just holding hands?) i didn’t think that we would be found out so soon. it had only been 6 months.

when i held hands with you, when i reached out to hold your hand, and you held it, we put our bodies under the knife edge of power. you put yourself under the knife edge when you said yes to me asking you to be my girlfriend in may.

i guess im trying to be grateful for the time we had but the truth is im scared and guilty and angry. (fuck! fuck the church and fuck your dad and fuck it all oh my god!!!) i feel a future me looking back at my young twenties and seeing myself living a vibrant queer life in baltimore. i know there’s an alternative universe me where that is my reality.

We should go out and dance like we used to dance
We should go out and hold hands like lovers hold hands
And I can’t tell you who’s gonna last
Well, maybe that’s a question and answer I don’t have

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Prison Ministry and Prison Systems

My family is pretty involved with my church. My mom specifically, is involved with the prison ministry and with hospital ministry as well. In both, volunteers from our church bring the Eucharist, bibles, rosaries, and the church ministry to hospitals and prisons. I had never been involved with it before, but last week, I accompanied my mom on the annual prison ministry fundraising banquet that was hosted by my church portico. The tickets were a little bit expensive and they were also raffling away baskets for the same charity reasons. My mom and I asked what the money goes towards and the answers we got was that it goes to the national parent foundation and portions of it go back to the salaries of the prison chaplains , the various bible study, and the technology and training programs behind the program (Good News Global).

I usually have sort of complicated feelings with church stuff that my mom encourages me to get involved with and I was thinking about a couple different things during that banquet. The slogan of the prison ministry was “Bringing freedom behind bars”, and for me that brought up some of the ideas of White Christian Saviorism. Considering that all the Board of Directors is all White (see below), and looking around the room at a largely White reception it made me think about the messaging of Good News Global.

I think I would have felt better giving money to the cause if there was some kind of graphic or information that said where the organizations’ money has gone in the past and where they will spend that money. I think charities lack of transparency has degraded my trust in them, especially in ones with obscure websites.

“The Strike” documentary we watched in class interviews inmates after their decades in solitary confinement and they talk about “convincing your mind that it is not going insane when it is”, and how the prison system functions to break and control the human spirit. I think religion can provide some relief to the conditions/situation of inmates but that these ministries are a little predatory for this reason.

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questioning faith/questions of faith

Understand and explain how different forms of embodiment are produced and shaped by narratives. That’s the course learning objective for this unit. The further explanation notes how oral history is produced by selves and produce selves in their telling.

While I was reflecting on how my topic was going to connect to the course objective, I reflected on my recent experience watching the production of “Call Me By Any Other Name…Just As Sweet”. The piece was very impactful, and while I watched the production I was struck with the familiar thought when I am witness to an impactful piece of art- ‘I wish everyone I’d ever loved or know was here next to me to see this too’. Thinking about it more, I think its a thing of I see my human experiences mirrored back to me in media/art and I crave that visibility in my loved ones. Like.. I wish I was understood in THIS way. It’s like when you watch an impactful movie with your family or friend and you want them to get it in the same way you did.

That’s what ‘Questions of Faith’ from Nonbinary: Memoirs of Gender Identity felt like for me. Like I wished people in my life would read and understand my feelings about it. It’s a memoir produced by selves and it produces selves (recognition and validation of my own experience).

  1. Complicated hometown church/small town feelings. Growing up in a small town, being active in church activities, being known as one image of a person and feeling very different. I avoid spaces where I might be known in my hometown to avoid seeing people that know my family, or dress differently in my church to uphold the image. I am very selective with who I’m out to, and to which family friends and people know I am dating my girlfriend.
  2. The feeling of looking for faith communities that fit me. Beyond the feeling of ‘fun’, I struggle with connecting with individuals in faith communities when I leave big parts of me at the door. I have felt like individuals in faith spaces I have been in the past lack a lot of nuance and say a lot of things that make me cringe internally.
  3. Having faith questioned in queer spaces. This one is like when queer spaces are exclusive of religion because of their experience of church hurt/other reasons. Being ridiculed by queer people for being religious. ‘You are still brainwashed and an idiot if you are queer and religious’.
  4. The biggest factor to drive me away from religion is the intense pressure from Christians to conform to a very specific image of a religious person. My family, Christians that I know and Christians in politics drive me away from being religious more than the world/ or sin does.
  5. Cycles of faith. Practicing faith because I was forced to but continuing to practice even though I don’t need to anymore. Leaving and coming back to faith, feeling anchored and simultaneously held down and restricted by it.

Honey-coated Flytrap
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Honey-coated Flytrap

It’s fortunately very easy to tie our class discussions into real life/other classes I’m taking, has anyone else felt that way? One thing that struck gold with me in relation to our topic of bodies is the fact that women’s bodies within society throughout generations within a religious light have always been thought of as something that is a sin/sinful and that utilizing that body will result in horrible events for mankind. 

Read more: Honey-coated Flytrap

We’re taught through the Greeks that Pandora opened a box after the wise Zeus, her creator, tells her not to, unleashing the “bad” into the world. But the thing we later realize is that Pandora was never given a physical box you and I think of – no, this box (or pithos) was what most cisgender women have: a uterus. She opened her uterus (had sex), and brought forth the worst imaginable things onto mankind. Does that sound familiar? Like in a specific garden, I don’t know, in Eden?

The thing is, women are always taught to “keep their legs closed”, to “take up less space” – things that make them smaller, make their bodies smaller, until they’re practically nonexistent. And for what? So that men can pass down a story through generations about a sexually active woman who “ruined it” for the rest of humanity? If a woman is going to be known as a horrid being, shameful and sinful, should she not be at least allowed to have a little fun and take up as much space as she desires? As if, for example, women have desires outside of doing whatever men tell them to do? Are women allowed to have desires, to be tempted by fruit, or are their bodies too small to house such things that they must turn to other things to fulfill those desires, and then be banned from society? 

It’s a slippery slope from being a sinner or a saint – in Christianity, Mary is given sainthood by the miraculous conception of Jesus, but why is she exempt? Does a woman have to give birth to a miracle to be considered holy? Are their bodies not enough without holding the body of the next god? Who deems the gods from the men? If men decide, why are they demonizing themselves?

Are their bodies not enough for you, while simultaneously being too much that you need to restrict them from all their desires? Being a woman and being a man is similar to being a fly in a Venus flytrap – everything seems sweet until the jaws close down and your temptation is the death of you. You’re then just food for the plant.  

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Hijabs and Hoodies

After we discussed the horrific and tragic murder of Trayvon Martin in class today, this article in particular caught my attention:

Shaima Alawadi, a resident of San Diego, California, was found beaten unconscious in her home last Wednesday and died of her wounds this past Saturday.  A note was found saying, “Go back to your own country. You’re a terrorist”.

Shaima was a stay at home mother with five children.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/03/28/us-california-iraqi-memorial-idUSBRE82R01N20120328.

This happened less than a week ago.

There was mention in class of how certain ideas in society become normalized, for better or for worse. In Trayvon and Shaima’s case there is no question these ideas create a poisonous environment.

But in both cases there was a similarity: clothing.

Trayvon was wearing a hoodie; which according to sources across the spectrum, most notably Geraldo Rivera, made him a target for suspicion. Last I checked wearing a hooded sweatshirt left no one with the ability to label someone as “suspicious” and cause cruel loss of life to another.

Shaima also had an article of clothing that marked her; a hijab. For those who are unfamiliar with a hijab, it is a head covering traditionally worn by Muslim women for reasons of modesty. Yet by wearing a hijab Shaima marked herself as “other”.

I find myself wondering if we can draw parallels between Shaima’s and Trayvon’s murders. They were both marginalized members of society, Trayvon was black and Shaima was an Iraqi-American immigrant. Both were wearing articles of clothing that are innocuous (although a hijab may stand out for those unfamiliar with the garb) but these clothes became threatening to those with prejudices and stereotypes.

I think we, as a Western society, are not past our cultural and racial biases when two murders are committed within a month of each other on the basis of race and ethnicity, with the flimsy excuses of clothing as reasoning. (By the way, I’m not ignoring that there are far, far too many of these crimes that go purposely unnoticed or are unreported).

In response to this hate crime there has been an out pour on social media and I found a group on facebook that seemed particularly fitting: http://www.facebook.com/pages/One-Million-Hijabs-for-Shaima-Alawadi/137306256397032.

When women are told, “you were asking for it”, if they are raped and happened to be wearing a miniskirt, when young black men are shot for wearing hoodies, and a woman is beaten to death in California for wearing a hijab because it “makes her a terrorist”, I have to wonder about the emphasis placed on clothing and the body-the cycle of violence around the clothing people wear for religious or personal reasons and why people use these articles of clothing as excuses for committing atrocities.

I find myself sick at heart with the violence, the hate, the prejudice, and the inbred bias. I send loving and peaceful wishes to the members of Trayvon Martin and Shaima Alawadi’s families.