I spent almost every single day of the first six months of 2020 crying myself to sleep. At first I didn’t realize it, but I was dealing with the repercussions of traumatizing events. Before quarantine I thought I was just very very upset over a break up. And rather than sit and face my problems head on, I forced myself to be surrounded by people every second of the day. I also refused to let anyone know I needed help. I knew I needed it and I knew there was something wrong, but I struggled to reach out and tell someone. Instead I was spending every night crying myself to sleep, and then waking up the next morning with a forced smile on my face. I still remember one night after classes I began my walk up to my apartment on the hill next to walker garage, and out of nowhere I realized I had to go spend the next couple of hours by myself, alone, in my room. The realization was an obvious one but for some reason I did not process it until I was halfway to my apartment. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, and I began to sob as I got to my apartment. I walked straight to my room and cried until I was numb and fell asleep. This was only a few days before campus shut down because of Covid-19. 

When the pandemic hit and I had to go back home, all of the things that I had been ignoring began to surface. I was back in the environment I had been wanting to avoid, and I was alone. Every night for the next few months was very similar to the one night I had walking up to my apartment on campus. There was so much more than just the pain from the break up that I had been simply refusing to accept. But this time I knew I could not let myself continue to hurt, as I did not have people to use as an excuse to ignore my problems. I began to notice how my emotional pain was beginning to affect myself physically. I was not eating all day and I was spending the entire day in my room by myself. I was losing weight, losing hair, and it felt like I was losing myself. 

It was a very long and difficult process to finally get to a point where I felt okay. Weirdly enough one of the main things that helped in my healing process was buying my first plants. When I got my plants I quite literally went into plant mom mode. I found a few from Home Depot and they were all wilted with leaves falling off. Now I had something that I was forced to take care of. I’d wake up at 7 am everyday, open my blinds to make sure they had plenty of light, water them (when needed), repot them into new pots, and sometimes I would even just sit and talk to them. As I took care of my plants, I was also taking care of myself. I knew just like my plants, I also needed care too. I also need light, love, water, food, and just someone to sit and talk to. Some days are better than others, and I still struggle with my depression. But now when I look at my plants, which are all a beautiful shade of green, standing up straight, looking healthy, I know that I will be okay. 

From the day you are born society is always going to be telling you what you should look like and how you should act. But in reality, it is really up to you how you want to want to look. Growing up as an athlete I had always noticed I had thighs that were a little bigger than all the other girls, and shoulders that were a little broader. When I was high school I never thought anything of it because I still looked like everyone else. With social media giving me all the information on how my body should look and I was still fitting into that category. Sure my body was a little more filled out but I still looked like most of the girls on the internet. Before I knew it, I was committed to play my sport at a division one level which had always been my goal as an athlete. Something you tend to forget when your a freshman in college is that you could be competing against girls who are now 4-5 years older than you, and have been working out that much more than you.

When I first came into college, I weighed roughly 135 pounds. I liked the way I looked. Slim in all the right places from what social media had me to believe. But I didn’t come to college to just look how I thought people wanted me to, I came to get an education and succeed as an athlete. Before I knew it, I was in the weight room 3 times a week lifting weights I didn’t know I could lift. By the end of my freshman year, I had gained so much muscle in every aspect of my body, I weighed 147 pounds.

All the sudden I don’t look like every model being posted on instagram. My thighs, arms, shoulders, everything on my body was different from everything social media was depicting us to be. You start to lose your mind a little bit when you look one way and begin to believe that society would no longer deem you as “attractive” or “normal”. With this leads to so many unhealthy aspects of life. When it would come to refueling my body, I would say “I’m not hungry” or lie about already eating just to save myself a few pounds that. I felt like I didn’t need. It becomes a constant battle with your mind everyday you step on the scale and feel like you weigh to much when in reality your body needs that to protect itself. As an athlete, your body needs hat extra bit of protein at a meal, and it needs that extra muscle on your bones to prevent injury in any way it can. It wasn’t until this year that it fully clicked in my mind how much my body needs this extra muscle to protect itself. Trying to put yourself into a mindset that is okay to not be as social media may tell you to and let your body be what is best for you. My body is at the strongest point it has ever been at because I allowed myself to just let go and do what is best for me. So many not only female athletes but all athletes struggle with this concept and I feel like it is not nearly talked about enough.

It is rare to see a picture on social media that is free of photoshop or Face Tune editing. Many people edit their face or body to fit within society’s beauty standards. I’m sure many of the people you follow on social media have at least one picture on their page that is Face Tuned or photoshopped. Today, the beauty standard is to have a small waist, yet be curvy everywhere else. This preferred body type, in my opinion, became popular due to celebrities and other figures in the media posting images that are unattainable.

I think the most notable examples of photoshop can be found in the Kardashian family. On more than one occasion, the public has noticed photoshop fails seen within the Kardashian’s social media or ad campaigns. Here is just one example of Kim Kardashian failing to notice poor editing in a picture. You can see that the doorframe in Kim’s Instagram photo is clearly distorted, probably with the hope of making her figure appear curvier.

I think that celebrities using photoshop to edit their bodies has a huge effect on body image in young adults. We as the public look up to these people because they are trendsetters. This is problematic because younger audiences believe these images are real and will likely feel a sense of dissatisfaction with their own bodies. Since so much time is spent on social media, many people are looking at images of unattainable bodies and wondering why they can’t look like these “perfect” celebrities. This leads to a variety of mental health struggles and an increase in body dysmorphia. It is extremely sad to see this, because all bodies are beautiful in their own unique way. To decrease the amount of body dysmorphia seen in young men and women, celebrities need to admit to photoshopping their photos, and/or post pictures of themselves with no editing to show the public what they really look like.

On the other hand, it can be argued that small edits to make an individual feel more confident online is not a horrible thing because nearly everybody does it. Celebrities are people too, all having insecurities like the rest of us. They should not be scrutinized by the public for everything they do, especially online. However, it is a problem when celebrities don’t admit to photoshop because this creates a negative online space, and it effects the body images of so many people.

There is a saying, there is no such thing as a bad trip, just a challenging one.

It is August of 2020. This was my first time taking LSD, I had heard stories of how it has helped countless people resolve their inner most problems, and I also read how LSD has driven people to kill themselves from going insane. Couldn’t be me right?

The way that body dysmorphia can actually change the way you see and think about yourself should almost be illegal.