This will be the last semester of school for me, and it is shocking. I’ve been in college for about seven years now, so finally being able to finish is wonderful. However, the feelings I have could be akin to how one feels when going through culture shock. Since going to school was somewhat second nature to me, not doing so moving forward is simply surprising. As it was a part of my lifestyle for so long, and since it was something done by habit, no longer doing so will be difficult to adapt to. It is relieving yes, but now reflecting upon certain things, the reasoning behind why I put a lot of effort and work into school becomes apparent. Be it from the expectations of family, societal pressure of the need to have an education in order to be successful, and genuine fear of safety and security of my future, thinking about the reasonings behind why I went to school in the first place are a bit concerning. It becomes a conversation of whether or not it was even my personal decision from the beginning, or was it because of the significant/powerful external influences around me that pushed the decision to obtain a degree. Regardless, the fact still remains that I completed a long term goal that was a part of my life for a very longtime, which makes me happy. Committing to something for so long was not easy to do, as I have consistent problems with well, being consistent. Moving forward, I hope to achieve and actually accomplish any goal I set my mind to, since tasting success is incredibly enjoyable. Receiving a Bachelors in Psychology, I only hope that finding a career will not be too difficult and what I do will be something fulfilling and enjoyable! As I always say in every post, having the opportunity to reflect on my life and express such thoughts to others without the fear of being judged or persecuted is incredibly relieving, as it helps to gather and center myself and make clear what I need to do now. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share a bit of my life, and I will definitely miss this class!

It’s easier said than done but when you finally reach the terms of accepting things the way that they are, life simply gets easier. Realizing that you are out of control of many things will lessen your anxiety speaking from my own experience. Not going to lie it’s hard to reach this mindset, but I’ve found it to bring me a little more peace than I had before. Getting stressed over the smallest things and just holding on to little things whether it be school or something personal really did not do me any good. 

This sounds like I’m trying to sell a “don’t care about anything so you don’t get hurt” mindset, but I’m not. All I’m saying is that you’ll find peace in acceptance. The most important thing is making sure that you’re okay mentally, emotionally, and all of the above. Whether  it be family, friends, school or anything ALWAYS choose your peace above anything. Don’t let anyone or anything disrupt your peace of mind. Again I’m not saying it’s easy to get here, but once you do you might be happier than you ever were.

Even to the people you are meant to have in your life forever whether it be a sibling, parent, or whatever. If they are causing you nothing but stress and pain it’s okay to love from afar. Loving from afar will always make you appreciate them more. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”  or whatever that saying is. The same goes for friends whether they were meant to be forever friends or temporary ones. The only person you are stuck with for life is yourself so make the best out of it for yourself don’t cause yourself unnecessary grey hairs. As I’ve grown up and now that I am in my early twenties that’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned.

I know there is something wrong with me, and I have no idea what it is. I’ve had generalized anxiety disorder since I was a child and depression since I was 9 years old. I didn’t received medication until I was 18 and I’ve only had therapy once or twice- it did not work. Over the past two years, my medication has given me a life I’ve never known, one with happiness and freedom. I didn’t have the weight in my chest and the pain in my lungs that I’d lived with for the first 18 years of my life. I had to learn who I was all over again, a me separate from my mental illnesses.

I knew that it wasn’t going to magically go away, that my issues were ones that I would battle for the rest of my life. I would have ups and downs, periods of anxiety and sadness, and constant battles with my own mind. But they would be significantly less frequent and debilitating, and I could get through them with hope for a future rather than a wish to end. I could handle them much better, and I have been over the past two years. Overall, even though the pandemic has been a terrible time for many, I’ve literally never been this happy in my life.

Lately, something has been creeping back. Perhaps it never fully went away. I think- I know- there is something else that is not being treated. Why does my brain still intrusively tell me that people hate me? That I am a burden? That I will never be anything to anyone? If my anxiety is lessened, and my depression is lower, why are these feelings coming back? I’ve talked to people, I’ve done my mental exercises, and I’ve taken time to care for myself. I did and continue to do all of the things I’ve done over the past two years when I felt myself slipping back into the anxiety and depression. But lately, it hasn’t been enough.

I inquired to a therapy place, but they have no room. They can only accept out-of-pocket pay, which I can’t afford. I’ve got a small list, but I am not optimistic. I think my symptoms and feelings are a sign of PTSD, but I can’t be certain without a diagnosis. Part of me just wants an answer so I can get the treatment- therapy, a pill, something. But getting the answers seems impossible right now, and healthcare won’t cover what doesn’t have a diagnosis. I’m afraid of slipping again, because I can recognize the signs now and I can’t seem to stop it.

I’m not sure why I felt emboldened to write so personally tonight- perhaps it’s because it’s late, or this is the final post, or I’m just throwing a line out to get something in return. But if anyone has any resources, let me know. Tonight, I am okay and I’m doing good. But lately, I’ve needed some help.

I wake up, almost in a panic. I have a full day of classes and each one challenges me differently. I like the challenge but at the end of the semester, it’s almost too much to bear. I should be grateful, that I get to attend school, learn, and have opportunities. Just being able to attend should be enough, but I can’t get past myself. So much work and so little time. When I started it was fun, four years of floating by and having fun. Now as the end nears, the fear of the future hits me.

The idea of the future entices me, but also sends me into a tailspin of thoughts. At this point, I thought id have more figured out, and be a bit more put together. I’m still unsure of a career path and have no idea if Baltimore is my forever home. I wonder where I’ll be in ten years. My sisters both married with children and successful lives (whatever that means) seemingly have it all figured out. I’m the wild card, anything could happen and I could end up anywhere. This is exciting but something about it also makes me crave what they have, the stability and the comfort of loosely knowing what the future hold.

Sometimes I’m afraid I won’t be what I dreamed I would be. To make change, make a name for myself, and live authentically as myself. I want to create, influence, and entertain. After a few glasses of wine, it seems manageable, but as the morning sun comes into my room, reality sets. If I want to do this, I have to hustle and try. I think I get this way when things end, it could be a tv show I’m obsessing over, a semester of school, or a friendship. Endings are natural. My brain feels foggy and unclear, maybe when the semester is over, a new light will come in.

I’m overwhelmed. I want to make my younger self proud. Where do I start, and how far will I go to get it? What do I have to do to make my mark? This is all feeling very Carrie Bradshaw. This post is a mess, just like me right now, but I wanted to be real. I wish my last post was more polished and academic, but it’s not and I think that’s ok. One thing I’ve learned from this course is the validity of feelings, and how real change starts from within.

As this chapter closes, I prepare for the next. And just like that, maybe it’s the one where everything comes together.

As my first semester at UMBC is coming to a close, I thought I’d give a review of my experience as a new transfer student living on campus.

I’d like to start this post with the aspect of UMBC that left the biggest impression on me: the food. And by lasting impression, I mean chronic disappointment. I came into UMBC eating a primarily vegetarian diet but soon realized that if I wanted to occasionally have a semblance of flavor in my meals, I would be eating meat. The options are limited, almost never healthy AND delicious, and I think would be very difficult to navigate eating on campus for people who may have food restrictions. 3/10

Following this, I’d like to touch on the place I spent the most time in: my dorm. Other than the obscene costs, I actually have quite enjoyed my dorming experience, mainly due to two factors; one being that I now have a lovely friendship with my randomly assigned roommate, and secondly that I have my own individual room in suite-style dorms, meaning that I have a lot of privacy and autonomy over my space. Despite making two really amazing friendships from my dorming, the rest of the social aspect has been somewhat lackluster, although that may be due to my more reserved personality. With all of that being said, I will definitely be commuting next year because in my opinion, those factors don’t make up for how much money it costs to live in the dorms. Regarding accessibility, the elevator is incredibly slow, makes very concerning noises, and the automatic door opener to leave my floor doesn’t work so… 7/10

Moving on to a more positive note, I have thoroughly enjoyed all of my classes with the exception of genetics, primarily because it has 200+ people in it. All of my professors have been great with communication, I’ve been engaged in the material, and especially in discussion-based classes such as this one, thoroughly enjoyed both and engaging and listening to conversations with classmates. Prior to taking this class, I had no background in GWST and came in with an open mind. Even with that initial mindset, I’m surprised by the impact this class has had on me. It’s broadened not just my way of thinking and understanding of embodiment, disability, weight, bodies in the context of work, etc, but also my overall world view. So many of my peers were incredibly well-spoken and knowledgeable on the topics discussed, and I can wholeheartedly say that loved taking this class and will assuredly take more GWST classes in the future. 9/10

Although a lot of my review is somewhat negative, that’s mostly because being critical is more fun lol. However, my time at UMBC thus far has ultimately been quite nice. I don’t regret coming here, I’m excited for the connections and learning that I will engage in, and I’m looking forward to my remaining time here. Thank you for making my first semester at UMBC an enjoyable one, and happy holidays!

Firstly I want to express how much I’ve enjoyed this class, it is one of the only classes that have felt like a safe space. To thrive in a class like this, one needs to have an open mind, and that will be the basis for this blog post. To have an open mind is to avoid making a judgment or decision about someone or something without full knowledge about them or it. This is a mindset that not only helped me in this class, but also helped me in life as well. To be able to let go of preconceived notions you may have and accept that something can be different from what you think it is, or what you may have known it to be, because nothing everything is black and white, or as simple as it is in layman’s terms. Being open-minded came in very handy because what I learned is not necessarily what I was taught growing up seeing as I am from a different country with a dissimilar culture and preconceived notions. I could have easily shunned these new concepts such as trans studies, body empowerment, etc because it wasn’t what I was used to. This would’ve blocked my ability to learn as I would’ve remained unknowledgeable and unwilling to learn about information that is pertinent to me in the world today and in the new country I live in and in the new culture I live within. It helps me in the real world in the same way. It allows me to stay open to learning, because many a time a friend, peer, or colleague may be talking about something I’ve either experienced or been taught differently, or something I have little to no knowledge about, and I’ve been able to to look at their point of view and open my mind to be able to grasp and better understand it. As someone who hasn’t always been open-minded, I can attest that life, interactions, and just basic understanding becomes that much easier, so do yourself and your mind a favor, and open sesame.

Dear past self,

You are graduating college, a semester early at that! You were told that college is supposed to be the best four years of your life, but as we grew through the semesters, we quickly learned it was shaping up to be anything but that. There will be various obstacles and challenges in your way, but you will learn from these experiences and turn out to be stronger and wiser. College, it’s not the experience you expected at all. Partly because of how much you changed and partly because of something that affected the world that no one would have predicted. You learn things you never thought you would learn and tried so many new things. With this in mind, I want to give you advice, from your future self, so you know you are heading down the correct path.

Advice One: Embrace change

There is so so much change that you experience. You came to college thinking you were going to graduate in four years with a bio degree and apply to med school and further your education to become a doctor. I can tell you right now, you change your mind about that one very quickly (first semester freshman year to be exact). In fact you change your mind two more times after that about what you want to do… you dabble in pre-physical therapy and even become the vice president of the club and you test out pre-pharmacy where you have to do ORGO and quickly remember why you decided before chemistry was not for you. But that is not the only change I am talking about. I also am telling you to embrace change that you have NO CONTROL OVER. You cannot control that there is a spread of a deadly virus that causes the world to shut down. You cannot control that the school decides to send everyone home for the rest of the semester and you have to go back to your home in a different state 6 hours away from all of your friends. You can’t control that the pandemic does not dissipate in a month or two like originally thought and causes the rest of your entire college career to be done virtually (or hybrid). You can’t control any of this and yet you have so many different experiences that you never would have even dreamed of if it did not happen.

Advice Two: ask/get help

This is still something that your future self is struggling with. I do not like to ask for help even still but I want to let you know, no one is judging you for ever asking any question. Whether it is to explain how to do something or to ask for extra time on an assignment, it is okay to get help. You cannot expect to be able to do everything and understand everything right away. And asking for help goes for mental health as well. Do not be afraid to ask your doctor what they think is the right thing for you. Do not be afraid to go on medication or to go off of it. Stand up for yourself. Do not let the stigmatism against mental health affect your ability to be your best self.

With this all in mind, just know that you do not have to have anything fully figured out throughout your college career. You do not need to have your entire life planned out by the time you graduate. And you do not need to stress about college being the best four (actually three and a half) years of your life. Because your life is going to be amazing and fun even after college.

I’ve always been a good student and did what I was supposed to do, but I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because my mother was strict and didn’t tolerate anything less than academic excellence under her roof, or maybe I was actually smart, or maybe I wanted it for myself. I’m not sure.

Elementary school was hard for me. I had a lot of challenges. I would have temper tantrums so bad the principle could hear me from her office, and there were times my mom had to be called from work. She was always so mad, and sometimes she would say the meanest things. I didn’t understand then, but I get it now. As a single mom immigrant working to take care of two children, things were always tough, and it seemed as if I made it worse. I could never pay attention in class, and would be deemed as “talkative” or “eccentric”, even “cantankerous” (that last one was courtesy of my mother and father). After a little bit, my crying had gotten to a level where one day they threatened to call child protective services, something I didn’t find out until this year, so my mother had to sit with me for a year in class everyday, and that was the only time I would stop crying because she scared me, I knew she wouldn’t tolerate it.

I had always been a cryer, but I remember vividly when the moment hit me that no one in the world cared. Everyone always had stuff to deal to with, and my issues were no one’s priority, they just wanted me to be well behaved, so I was. I became quiet, and if I cried it would always be under the protection of my blanket late at night. It seemed as if I had gotten “better” to everyone else, but on the inside I was still struggling. It wasn’t until late middle school that certain subjects like math and science made sense to me, I remember I was sitting in Algebra when everything finally started to make sense. Eventually, I figured out that each classroom had it’s own set of rules, like a board game, and as long as you figured out said rules, you could win, so that’s what I did. I was getting A’s and B’s around the clock which continued throughout highschool.

Fast forward to college and everything went downhill my first year. I had a 2.4 GPA, and had no idea how I had fallen so low. Maybe it was freedom for the first time, or maybe it was the imposter syndrome, or the feeling that I belonged nowhere in this environment. My mother was disappointed but she didn’t yell, it was the first time I truly felt comfortable around her, or didn’t feel the need to lie. She told me she wasn’t surprised, and thought I should take a break from school, I didn’t want to. Not because I loved school or anything, I wanted my semesters of freedom where I made my own decisions. I couldn’t go back home.

I got my shit together and I started getting A’s and B’s, and eventually getting all A’s, raising my GPA from the ashes. I was proud. Then there’s this semester. This semester was the first time in about 2 years where I had fallen so low. I always had anxiety and stress when it came to school, fits of crying and rage where nothing made sense, and a feeling of helplessness because a letter and calculated number determines how valuable future employers see you, and failing was not an option. So I sucked it up and persevered. It always worked until now.

Right now I feel as I did back then. I’m struggling, bad. I was drowning and I thought I could save myself, but this time I couldn’t.

I always hear people saying, “reach out for help” as if it’s so simple. I grew up with a culture that frowns on that. A culture that doesn’t believe in mental health, that shoves things so far down you forget they are even there. I tried explaining to my dad, but he said that I don’t know stress, I don’t know struggle, and he’s not entirely wrong, but that doesn’t make my pain go away. My mother is disappointed, again, and she thinks I am lazy, with no ambition.

It took trying to write a research paper, at 5am in the morning with 27 missing assignments from the same class, me being behind in other classes, and damn near failing this one to realize I really was drowning and this time I couldn’t save myself. I tried to gasp for air but it was too late, I was already under water.

I reached out for help. I’m not yet afloat, just keeping my head barely above water

This post is inspired by OUMEKWE1’s post “Am I smarter than a fifth grader”. I had a comment to write but it was getting long so I decided to make it a blog post.

In OUMEKWE1’s post they talk about being smart in kindergarten and always getting As because it was “easy as hell”. I could somewhat relate to their post but when I reflect back on kindergarten it wasn’t necessarily easy as hell for everyone. The way I see it, kindergarten was all about knowing how to follow instructions and “behave”. When I was in kindergarten I would always get good grades and progress reports with a few caveats. I would always get an “R” for rarely in the listening comprehension category and one other category related to behavior. I was known in kindergarten for being a “smart kid who doesn’t listen”. I was known to be in my own world and doing my own thing instead of engaging with what the teacher was saying. I think part of it was that I was bored and I wasn’t used to school. At home you do whatever you want but at school it was all about following rules. Because I never really listened, I guess they assumed that I didn’t speak English very well?? I was placed in ESOL in kindergarten and was pretty much stuck in ESOL until I complained enough about it and I tested out of it. Seriously, it sounds kind of unbelievable but I was there for I don’t know what reason. I always had a high reading level and my mom tells me that when I was in kindergarten I was reading bigger words than most of the other students. English is my first and only language, I never spoke my native language. I believe I was placed there because I didn’t follow directions. When I was in ESOL I never felt like I was supposed to be there and it felt like a big waste of resources. There are a lot of reasons why a student may have a hard time paying attention, especially at such a young age, but the system always wants to label a child with something and tell them they’re doing something wrong. My parents are relieved that I turned out ok because they said my kindergarten teacher complained about me all the time and they were worried I would be bad in school. I think it’s pretty trash to start policing and labeling students at that age. There’s nothing wrong with having high energy, or being quiet and introspective, or being extremely curious and wandering sometimes. We all come in with these differences but get taught by school to conform. I find that in itself to be disabling.