I had an experience recently that I really wanted to write about for this post so forgive me if my connections to the readings are a bit of a reach. On November 1st, I took my girlfriend, Madison, to see Sabrina Carpenter at Madison Square Garden for her birthday and while it was like the best night ever, I noticed a lot about how the people around us were using their bodies.

In Roxanne Gay’s ‘My body is a cage of my own making’ she writes, “I am, perhaps, self-obsessed beyond measure. No matter where I am, I wonder about where I stand and how I look…I am the fattest person. This is a constant refrain and I cannot escape it.” When we were assigned to read this for class, I definitely related to constantly being aware of how your body moves and what it looks like and in Madison Square Garden, a place that holds thousands of people, I was feeling it a little extra heavy. I know realistically that I was not the biggest person in that audience, but as I was standing there, it felt like everyone around me was aware of how much space I was taking up. This was not made better by the fact that I was holding a tote bag carrying the merch we purchased on my shoulder.

Everything seemed pretty much fine when the opening performers were on stage. My girlfriend and I had our space and were enjoying the show. Then, however, Olivia Dean exits the stage and a large ‘SC’ appears on the big screen on the stage. Sabrina Carpenter is about to come out and people are ecstatic. All of a sudden, everyone around us (for context, we were in the pit) is pushing and shoving their ways past us to get closer to the stage, seemingly not realizing that there is not enough space for the matter of their body to take up. It’s a little difficult to tell, but the pictures below show where we were while the openers were performing vs when Sabrina came out.

Now, I don’t think all of these people are just selfish scum of the earth. I understand that they were excited to see this person that they idolize so much. As I was standing there, still waiting for the main event to start, I began to think about how people desire physical proximity to the people they admire. For me, just seeing her up there on the stage was enough to conceptualize that she is a real person. I am left with the question of what is it about celebrity that makes one so desirable to simply being close to? Why did all of these 14-year-old girls feel so called to force themselves in front of Madison and I and why did they feel that they had a more of a right to be close to her than us?

Don’t eat. Don’t drink. Starve. 

Don’t fight back. Sit there. Take it

protest. 

Break windows. Throw fire. Stand up

March around.  Yell out. Break rules 

^_PROTEST.

Same word, different meaning. One vs the other yet still the same. 

Working towards different ends and starting from the same beginnings yet different.  

Black lives matter 

     All lives matter

My body My choice 

       Their body their life 

No justice no peace 

      Law and Order 

Always a double edged sword that’s never dull.

Never a solution to what’s always there.  

Two sides of the same scream.

Both believe they’re saving the world.

Both afraid of being forgotten.

After watching Crip Camp there was a scene with a preformer with cerebral palsy preforming in what looked to be a shadow cast of rocky horror (although they could’ve just been singing the one song) it made me start to think about theatre casting version shadow cast casting. 

When you see a theatrical show often the actors are beautiful able bodied people. Who is allowed to play what role is highly gate kept and usually based off of the physical appearance of the performer. 

However shadow casts aren’t kept to that same standard. For those who don’t know a shadow cast is a performance in which a movie is being projected in the back and actors mouth along and do the movements of their parts in front, usually adding in their own gags or jokes. In a shadow cast, anyone can play any role. Regardless of weight, race, disabilities, or even sometimes gender expression. 

This practice started with the rocky horror picture show in the 80s but nowadays plenty of cult classic films have shadow casts such as Refer Madness or The Room. 

Rocky Horror is a gem of it’s time. The plot line follows a cast of queer and gender nonconforming characters through one strange night. Throughout the years of shadow casts it became known as a safe place for anyone who lived outside of the norms. It became a meeting place for those who didn’t have or didn’t feel safe going to gay bars in their area. Because the bar for entry was so low, a lot of people were able to find and explore themselves here. 

There are a lot of reasons why Rocky was so successful but the biggest one was that it was the community that it built. A big part of these shows became shouting things out at the screen (Statler and Waldorf style) to make each other laugh at different things each week. 

They might not have realized it but a laugh is a powerful thing. They connect us. 

A laugh can help us feel less alone and more willing to fight for each other. 

Over the years I have been to many Rocky Horror Shadow casts and let me tell you there’s nothing like it. Some of them are better than others so stay safe if you do choose to go, but no matter what you will laugh, you will feel weird, and you’ll have some fun memories. 

I loved my sister’s emo phase. She was a true 2010 Hot Topic warrior. Despite what all of my middle school friends would say, I don’t think I ever personally had an emo phase but the early alternative influence was definitely clear. She dyed her hair green at 15 so I dyed my hair pink at 12. She went to Warped tour and had the time of her life, so I tagged along the next (and somewhat last- rip national warped tour) year. I listened to Panic!, and Get Scared, and Motionless in White because she swore they were the best music had to offer. Reading the “What Growing Up Punk Taught Me About Being Gender Nonconforming” reframed how I think about that time though. In the alternative scene, there is such a strong emphasis placed on expression. Whether you were pastel goth, scene kid, or tumblr alt, there were hundreds of different labels you could use to encompass the community you belonged to and the idea you wanted to portray yourself as in society. I think gender builds on the same idea. 

Coming out as queer felt so much more straightforward than being non-binary. I knew what a crush was supposed to feel like, and I knew I had them towards girls. In a way, it wasn’t personal, it was just something that I was, in the same way I’m hispanic, I really didn’t have much say in the matter. 

To me, being non-binary is much more intentional. Not in the sense that it’s a choice, but because I had to come to terms with whether or not I wanted to take it on, allow it to influence my life. Clarifying pronouns, speaking up when tasked to choose between the two binaries, speculating a name change- it’s a constant effort, not a one and done like “I’m gay” felt. 

But I’m thankful I was given the space to explore it, that I never felt trapped between hyperfem and machismo masc. Growing up, all my favorite artists wore makeup, and annoyingly skinny jeans, and cut up to shirts, regardless of gender, there was so much grey area it never really occurred to me that the way I felt towards expression could be from not being cis, I just assumed that was the alternative mindset, which in so many ways it still is.

I hope to continue exploring. I hope to continue to accept myself though every transition with the same empathy I would exert a stranger. The author of the piece confessed they let fear rule them as they got older, I’ve been privileged enough not to experience such discrimination yet but I know it’ll likely catch up with me soon. I hope I make it anyways.

It goes without saying that every concert one attends will be different, factors such as the genre of music, the size of the venue, time of day, will contribute to how the audience will behave that fateful night. I went to my first concert when I was twelve, it was at the Merriweather and my sister and I were in the seated section. While we jumped and sang our hearts out to the older Paramore throwbacks, the majority of their set displayed their newest album at the time, which was far chiller and had more of a pop sound, so the audience was zen as well. I’ve been to many concerts since then, mainly indie and alternative, but with the occasional hardcore band in which I kept to the sidelines and headbanged within the comfort of my own space. I didn’t enter my first mosh pit until April of last year. 

It was such a drastic difference to anything I had experienced before. Watching a pit and being in the center of one was unlike how I imagined. I felt so present in my body and in that moment in time. I was shoved in the shoulder and shoved someone by their arms back. We moved with the pounding rhythm of the song, and I felt fueled by the energy coursing throughout the room. As someone who’s 5’1, I’ve always felt that my body couldn’t make all that much of an impact, I didn’t trust it would withstand roughhousing so I never tried. To be in a setting where people of all age groups and sizes were encouraged to get physical, even when it was painful, it was still so freeing. I wore the cut on my cheek the next day with pride.

I think concert etiquette has changed over the years. The coolest shoegaze and alternative bands have such lively audiences now, but there’s a lack of respect for those who choose not to participate in a mosh. And then, the more mainstream the concert, the more people will opt to record over dance at all. Why don’t we look out for one another, give each other space? Why are we so in our heads, so afraid of looking goofy, that we hold ourselves back if we want to participate? We pay to attend a concert, everyone’s eyes are literally glued to the stage, and yet in the cramped settings, doing anything more than bobbing your head feels taboo and holding your ground at a barricade and not giving into the mosh is rigid. What is the perfect medium? Is there one to be found?