Content Disclosure: discussion of mental illness; detailed depictions of anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and disordered eating; internalized ableism and fatphobia; mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm

You have no choice but to work with what you’re given. After a semester of looking at some of the most marginalized populations throughout history, it should be clear that the body you occupy is a significant factor in what path your life takes. Everyone probably knows to not judge a book by the cover. However, realistically the stereotypes that come along with visual markers of identities like sex, race, ethnicity, and so on are carried into every new room you step foot in. Sure, it’s 2021, we are in the midst of the girlboss era and Netflix’s poorly executed diversity campaigns. I’ve often heard from peers that “social justice warriors” are now making problems out of nothing since society has become more progressive, but I strongly believe that a lot of sexism and racism are better hidden which is so scary to me. In her post Access Intimacy, Mia Mingus described how, as a disabled woman, there is a level of acceptance and comfort that only comes with being surrounded by people who also have a disability. I try to deny it, but I agree it is hard to exist in spaces where deep down you know you stick out in like a sore thumb. 

I admit, I’ve been very fortunate to never have gone through any trauma or discrimination in my life but I can really relate to Mingus’s sentiment. Volunteering at a fire department takes up most of my time and has sadly become my central personality trait so I’m sorry that every post I’ve made to this blog is about my time there. I volunteer to get clinical experience for professional school applications and I genuinely want to be a capable member, but on big nights where there’s a lot of volunteers I’m always the only female. They’re generally pretty welcoming, but recently I couldn’t pretend to be ignorant anymore of the fact I’ll never be one of them or be fully respected. One of the guys I’m not as familiar with pulled me aside to accuse me of sleeping with the career staff and continued to make lewd jokes if I went off anywhere with anyone. Dude, there are literally only men present who the fuck else am I supposed to spend time with? I even try to be less feminine by avoiding makeup and wearing sports bras when I’m there but regardless I’m seen as a slut. They all cluck together like hens so I knew this was how they all actually felt about me. He’s just the one ballsy enough to speak up and protect his brethren from the temptress who has infiltrated their ranks. I stayed calm until I got home and I stood in front of the mirror with the razor ready to cut all of my hair off again. I didn’t cut it for two reasons: I looked like prepubescent Justin Beiber last time and regardless I’d still have a girl’s body and all the assumptions that go along with it. There’s a lot of positives to being a girl don’t get me wrong but sometimes there’s nothing I’d want more than to see how the other side lives. I know this perspective only acknowledges the gender binary but that’s the default framework most people think in and is what determines how they treat you. Looking at the big picture this passive-aggressive sexism doesn’t hold me back from getting the experience I need, so all I can do is let the rumors pile up in my wake. 

It has almost been two years since the onset of the covid pandemic. While looking up the timeline of this pandemic, I thought “Really? Only two years?”. That sentiment shows how much covid has had an impact on our lives. Obviously covid has changed many things about daily life, but it has also exposed intrinsic problems within our society. Despite changing many things, one thing that has remained the same; American society has a huge stigma against being sick.

 On Wednesday of last week, I started to feel like I was getting a cold. Despite this, I started to get ready for class. I had already missed Monday and I didn’t want to miss another day that week. The entire time I was getting ready I felt miserable and I kept complaining about my headache. Finally my girlfriend made me stop and took my temperature; I had a fever. I was frustrated because I definitely couldn’t go to campus now. Instead of being worried about my health, I was worried about missing class. Looking back, it was a good thing I didn’t go to campus, the next three days I laid in bed with a 102 degree fever. 

While I didn’t have covid, it would still be extremely inconsiderate to come to campus and spread the yuck. This is when I realized how strange the sentiment towards illness is in America. In the precovid times, it was so common for people to go to work sick, sacrificing their health and wellness to make money and seek approval from their bosses. In the meantime, they are getting their coworkers sick too. When we get sick now we panic that it is covid and rush to determine that it isn’t so we can continue on. But shouldn’t we care about our bodies handling a cold just as much as we worry about covid? We view illness as an inconvenience and that is true; it disrupts our normal routine and makes you miserable. But instead of focusing on healing and protecting those around us, Americans “power through”. In short, covid has taught me that american society has their priorities in the wrong places. Why did we ever think it was normal to expose other people to a cold?

UMBC has been a big rollercoaster for me. Literally freshman year was like the beginning of a roller-coaster where it’s calm and just straightforward. You’re anticipating for the fun to come and you riding in thinking “This will best ride of my life.” That was true until sophomore year. That crap was like the roller-coaster had 5 screws missing from the track. A track that was wobbly and unstable to begin with. My father got severely ill to the point of hospitalization. No one ever saw it coming, and broke me to the core. Due to my father living in another state, I had to continue going back and forth, and it really affected my mental and emotional. I literally just gave up on school. That semester I failed. I failed. ME! I failed. My mother was so disappointed , and it wasn’t even because the school didn’t give me excuses/extensions, it’s because “I let myself go, there are people out there that have it way worse than you.” Lol. So due to me “letting myself go”, I have became a super senior. Now that I’m here for another semester, paying another big ass tuition, and another semester from my dreams and hopes. Three months might not be too much for some people, but for me that’s basically half a lifetime (I know dramatic) that I could have used going to PA school. I honestly told myself that I would finish my degree in precisely 4 years, but I guess things happen for a reason.

This will be the last semester of school for me, and it is shocking. I’ve been in college for about seven years now, so finally being able to finish is wonderful. However, the feelings I have could be akin to how one feels when going through culture shock. Since going to school was somewhat second nature to me, not doing so moving forward is simply surprising. As it was a part of my lifestyle for so long, and since it was something done by habit, no longer doing so will be difficult to adapt to. It is relieving yes, but now reflecting upon certain things, the reasoning behind why I put a lot of effort and work into school becomes apparent. Be it from the expectations of family, societal pressure of the need to have an education in order to be successful, and genuine fear of safety and security of my future, thinking about the reasonings behind why I went to school in the first place are a bit concerning. It becomes a conversation of whether or not it was even my personal decision from the beginning, or was it because of the significant/powerful external influences around me that pushed the decision to obtain a degree. Regardless, the fact still remains that I completed a long term goal that was a part of my life for a very longtime, which makes me happy. Committing to something for so long was not easy to do, as I have consistent problems with well, being consistent. Moving forward, I hope to achieve and actually accomplish any goal I set my mind to, since tasting success is incredibly enjoyable. Receiving a Bachelors in Psychology, I only hope that finding a career will not be too difficult and what I do will be something fulfilling and enjoyable! As I always say in every post, having the opportunity to reflect on my life and express such thoughts to others without the fear of being judged or persecuted is incredibly relieving, as it helps to gather and center myself and make clear what I need to do now. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share a bit of my life, and I will definitely miss this class!

It’s easier said than done but when you finally reach the terms of accepting things the way that they are, life simply gets easier. Realizing that you are out of control of many things will lessen your anxiety speaking from my own experience. Not going to lie it’s hard to reach this mindset, but I’ve found it to bring me a little more peace than I had before. Getting stressed over the smallest things and just holding on to little things whether it be school or something personal really did not do me any good. 

This sounds like I’m trying to sell a “don’t care about anything so you don’t get hurt” mindset, but I’m not. All I’m saying is that you’ll find peace in acceptance. The most important thing is making sure that you’re okay mentally, emotionally, and all of the above. Whether  it be family, friends, school or anything ALWAYS choose your peace above anything. Don’t let anyone or anything disrupt your peace of mind. Again I’m not saying it’s easy to get here, but once you do you might be happier than you ever were.

Even to the people you are meant to have in your life forever whether it be a sibling, parent, or whatever. If they are causing you nothing but stress and pain it’s okay to love from afar. Loving from afar will always make you appreciate them more. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”  or whatever that saying is. The same goes for friends whether they were meant to be forever friends or temporary ones. The only person you are stuck with for life is yourself so make the best out of it for yourself don’t cause yourself unnecessary grey hairs. As I’ve grown up and now that I am in my early twenties that’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned.

I know there is something wrong with me, and I have no idea what it is. I’ve had generalized anxiety disorder since I was a child and depression since I was 9 years old. I didn’t received medication until I was 18 and I’ve only had therapy once or twice- it did not work. Over the past two years, my medication has given me a life I’ve never known, one with happiness and freedom. I didn’t have the weight in my chest and the pain in my lungs that I’d lived with for the first 18 years of my life. I had to learn who I was all over again, a me separate from my mental illnesses.

I knew that it wasn’t going to magically go away, that my issues were ones that I would battle for the rest of my life. I would have ups and downs, periods of anxiety and sadness, and constant battles with my own mind. But they would be significantly less frequent and debilitating, and I could get through them with hope for a future rather than a wish to end. I could handle them much better, and I have been over the past two years. Overall, even though the pandemic has been a terrible time for many, I’ve literally never been this happy in my life.

Lately, something has been creeping back. Perhaps it never fully went away. I think- I know- there is something else that is not being treated. Why does my brain still intrusively tell me that people hate me? That I am a burden? That I will never be anything to anyone? If my anxiety is lessened, and my depression is lower, why are these feelings coming back? I’ve talked to people, I’ve done my mental exercises, and I’ve taken time to care for myself. I did and continue to do all of the things I’ve done over the past two years when I felt myself slipping back into the anxiety and depression. But lately, it hasn’t been enough.

I inquired to a therapy place, but they have no room. They can only accept out-of-pocket pay, which I can’t afford. I’ve got a small list, but I am not optimistic. I think my symptoms and feelings are a sign of PTSD, but I can’t be certain without a diagnosis. Part of me just wants an answer so I can get the treatment- therapy, a pill, something. But getting the answers seems impossible right now, and healthcare won’t cover what doesn’t have a diagnosis. I’m afraid of slipping again, because I can recognize the signs now and I can’t seem to stop it.

I’m not sure why I felt emboldened to write so personally tonight- perhaps it’s because it’s late, or this is the final post, or I’m just throwing a line out to get something in return. But if anyone has any resources, let me know. Tonight, I am okay and I’m doing good. But lately, I’ve needed some help.

I wake up, almost in a panic. I have a full day of classes and each one challenges me differently. I like the challenge but at the end of the semester, it’s almost too much to bear. I should be grateful, that I get to attend school, learn, and have opportunities. Just being able to attend should be enough, but I can’t get past myself. So much work and so little time. When I started it was fun, four years of floating by and having fun. Now as the end nears, the fear of the future hits me.

The idea of the future entices me, but also sends me into a tailspin of thoughts. At this point, I thought id have more figured out, and be a bit more put together. I’m still unsure of a career path and have no idea if Baltimore is my forever home. I wonder where I’ll be in ten years. My sisters both married with children and successful lives (whatever that means) seemingly have it all figured out. I’m the wild card, anything could happen and I could end up anywhere. This is exciting but something about it also makes me crave what they have, the stability and the comfort of loosely knowing what the future hold.

Sometimes I’m afraid I won’t be what I dreamed I would be. To make change, make a name for myself, and live authentically as myself. I want to create, influence, and entertain. After a few glasses of wine, it seems manageable, but as the morning sun comes into my room, reality sets. If I want to do this, I have to hustle and try. I think I get this way when things end, it could be a tv show I’m obsessing over, a semester of school, or a friendship. Endings are natural. My brain feels foggy and unclear, maybe when the semester is over, a new light will come in.

I’m overwhelmed. I want to make my younger self proud. Where do I start, and how far will I go to get it? What do I have to do to make my mark? This is all feeling very Carrie Bradshaw. This post is a mess, just like me right now, but I wanted to be real. I wish my last post was more polished and academic, but it’s not and I think that’s ok. One thing I’ve learned from this course is the validity of feelings, and how real change starts from within.

As this chapter closes, I prepare for the next. And just like that, maybe it’s the one where everything comes together.

As my first semester at UMBC is coming to a close, I thought I’d give a review of my experience as a new transfer student living on campus.

I’d like to start this post with the aspect of UMBC that left the biggest impression on me: the food. And by lasting impression, I mean chronic disappointment. I came into UMBC eating a primarily vegetarian diet but soon realized that if I wanted to occasionally have a semblance of flavor in my meals, I would be eating meat. The options are limited, almost never healthy AND delicious, and I think would be very difficult to navigate eating on campus for people who may have food restrictions. 3/10

Following this, I’d like to touch on the place I spent the most time in: my dorm. Other than the obscene costs, I actually have quite enjoyed my dorming experience, mainly due to two factors; one being that I now have a lovely friendship with my randomly assigned roommate, and secondly that I have my own individual room in suite-style dorms, meaning that I have a lot of privacy and autonomy over my space. Despite making two really amazing friendships from my dorming, the rest of the social aspect has been somewhat lackluster, although that may be due to my more reserved personality. With all of that being said, I will definitely be commuting next year because in my opinion, those factors don’t make up for how much money it costs to live in the dorms. Regarding accessibility, the elevator is incredibly slow, makes very concerning noises, and the automatic door opener to leave my floor doesn’t work so… 7/10

Moving on to a more positive note, I have thoroughly enjoyed all of my classes with the exception of genetics, primarily because it has 200+ people in it. All of my professors have been great with communication, I’ve been engaged in the material, and especially in discussion-based classes such as this one, thoroughly enjoyed both and engaging and listening to conversations with classmates. Prior to taking this class, I had no background in GWST and came in with an open mind. Even with that initial mindset, I’m surprised by the impact this class has had on me. It’s broadened not just my way of thinking and understanding of embodiment, disability, weight, bodies in the context of work, etc, but also my overall world view. So many of my peers were incredibly well-spoken and knowledgeable on the topics discussed, and I can wholeheartedly say that loved taking this class and will assuredly take more GWST classes in the future. 9/10

Although a lot of my review is somewhat negative, that’s mostly because being critical is more fun lol. However, my time at UMBC thus far has ultimately been quite nice. I don’t regret coming here, I’m excited for the connections and learning that I will engage in, and I’m looking forward to my remaining time here. Thank you for making my first semester at UMBC an enjoyable one, and happy holidays!