I have learned so much about gender since I have been at UMBC, including outside of class. Before my first GWST class in the Fall 2019 semester, Introduction to Sexuality Studies, I had never even heard of the basic distinction between gender identity and assigned or biological sex. I am happy to say that I have come such a long way, although it is a lifelong time of learning, as gender and the language use to describe it is constantly evolving and changing.

So, the other day, I was at work, minding my own business and one of my Caucasian coworkers came up to me and said, “hey, did you know that up until about six months ago, you couldn’t work here if you had hair like yours — dreads, hahaha”. Now, first of all, I’m not sure what was so comical about the topic of  “dreads” being banned within the workplace. But when my coworker uttered his statement to me and laughed, it kind of really offended me. I think it bothered me so much because it’s still completely absurd to me how a certain hairstyle can be dubbed “unprofessional” or “unkept”, to the point that it’s legally able for employers to discriminate against…. in 2020! As a current “loc goddess”, yes, that’s what I am, I think this needs to be done away with, immediately!! I say this for two reasons, with the first being, hair CANNOT be illegal; in no way, shape, or form does it make sense for hair to be deemed illegal. I mean… we literally all grow it. On the other hand, locs aren’t unprofessional, nor unkept, solely because they’re locs. Now, don’t get me wrong, some free-form locs, which are beautiful to me, can sometimes come across as looking “unkept” or “unprofessional”, I guess, but not all locs are. For instance, I keep up with my locs on a monthly basis. I’ve always gotten compliments on how I wear my hair and the many different elegant styles that I’m able to put them in sometimes, from curls, buns, colored locs to coily locs; not once have I ever heard somebody refer to my locs as “unkept” or “unprofessional” looking — not even by any Caucaisan people! 

This week I really wanted to focus on drafting something insightful and interesting for this final blog post. However, I decided that instead of putting yet another bit of unrealistic pressure on myself, I am going to give myself the gift of just sharing my truth. And yes – that truth is undoubtedly the most popular topic this semester: being terrified, exhausted, and hopeless all at once while attempting to maintain any level of output & functionality in pandemic times.

As the semester is coming to a close and I’m so close to receiving a degree I worked for 5.5 years for… I find myself in deep introspection about my life. With this fast paced thing we call life, it’s hard to conceptualize it all–all of the things that happened in between then and now. Then being when I was a kid or teenager…from muddling through school, figuring out who I wanted to be and who I really am, building friendships and relationships–some ended and some flourished, making mistakes, making big decisions, accomplishing things I never thought were possible. To now: being a young adult, graduating college in about a week, living through a pandemic, thinking about my future (career, relationship) and my past (trauma and growth from that), the future of the world, thinking about who I’ve become and almost everything in between. After going through so much already, it’s scary to think about the future and to make plans for it. With this new step, I’m scared of failure and the unknown. But, I don’t want to not recognize the things I’ve accomplished, or what I’m capable of… or not recognize my worth. Despite the things that are out of my control, I should focus on the beauty of life and everything that comes along with it, right?

I think its interesting that I could feel an oncoming breakdown. I mean of course it is that time in the semester where this isn’t surprising, being overwhelmed with everything we have not done yet and we still have to do in this short period of time. But I think this is the first time I noticed I can tell. I can feel the anxiety in my bones in a way.

I found this last blog post to be very difficult to write. I felt like I talked about some of the most important things that I think about in my previous post. So instead of writing about a topic that I’m not very passionate about, I decided that I would just talk about how I am feeling and hope that someone reading this could relate.

“A virtual life is shiny and bright. It’s where you post your prettiest pictures and tell all your best news”

We see actors/actresses, models, makeup artists, etc. portrayed on social media, in magazines, and the television and think how beautiful or handsome they are, and we praise them with such high status. Some may think “but why can’t I look like that”, “they look so perfect”, “wow I want to look like that”.

But what is “perfect”? Why can’t we be satisfied with what we look like? Why does it all have to be about your image?

Finals week, or weeks if you’re unlucky are one of the most stressful times for students across academia.  Most college and university students are in the midst of it currently; last minute study sessions, high-stress, low energy, franticness, and anxiousness are all in full swing. At what cost does this come to students?

During week 8 of this course, we read Baynton’s piece “Disability and the Justification of Inequality in American History” and had a class discussion about what it means to be human and where social perceptions of disability come from. I brought up something about how the religious, specifically Christian and Catholic, concept of purity and having a spirit seem to play a role in how disability is perceived. We talked about the idea that humans are made in “God’s own image” and how impairments have historically been understood as “monstrous” and ungodly. Ever since that class, I’ve been meaning to spend some more time thinking about that idea. Recently my family was listening to Christmas music and the song “Mary Did You Know” came on, which is a song about the birth of Jesus Christ and all the things he’d do for the world that Mary wasn’t aware of when she became pregnant with him. There’s a part in the song that immediately reminded me of our week 8 discussion that goes: 

Mary did you know

The blind will see

The deaf will hear

The dead will live again

The lame will leap

The dumb will speak

The praises of The Lamb

Mary, did you know

That your Baby Boy

Is Lord of all creation?

I was listening and I was also reminded about how one of the most special powers Jesus had was the ability to “heal” and “cure” people with what we now understand to be disabilities. I think there’s something very significant about this idea that what convinced skeptics that Jesus was the son of God was that he can cure impairments like blindness, deafness, and walking and speech impairments. It seems to imply that although all humans are made in God’s image, there is something about disabled people that needs to be “fixed” by Jesus who is an extension of God. This further implies that there is something non-human about being disabled and that disabled people do not become human or God-like until their impairments are cured. I think these are really powerful connections that contribute to the historical oppression and cruel treatment of disabled people. Similar to how racists used the Bible to interpret the mark of Cain as dark skin, Bible stories about Jesus’ healing powers seems to have given justification for believing that disability is a physical manifestation of impurity that makes disabled people subhuman and separate from God. 

Since that class discussion, I’ve also become more aware and uncomfortable with the way some Christians tend to speak about the “blessing of good health and a sound mind”. This was something I’ve heard countless times growing up in a Christian household. I think there is probably some critical analysis that can be done about the concept of being blessed in general, but in relation to disability, I find it interesting that being non-disabled is seen as the result of having God’s favor in your life. It again reinforces the notion that disability is an ungodly curse. 

I think that moving forward with disability rights and justice, like many other social justice movements, requires people who subscribe to Christianity to dig deep and really think critically about what they learn from the Bible and how it informs their beliefs about other people. When praising Jesus as the savior of humanity, I think it’s important to question what exactly Jesus is saving us from. Maybe part of his mission was to save human kind from disability. Maybe Jesus was a eugenicist even though he was also someone who taught love and acceptance of all people. I don’t know. But as someone who is non-religious and is always very critical of Christianity in general, I would be interested to hear how disabled Christians understand these kinds of Bible stories and if/how they think about the impact of the praise Jesus received for curing disabilities.