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What’s in a Name?

Image description: A white sheet of paper with the words "Sign here" followed by a dotted line. A tip of a pen hovers over the line.

Names, everyone has one (or several), and a name is used in everyday occurrences. You see your friend walking down the hall, you excitedly yell their name and embarrass or startle them, you see your pet eating something they shouldn’t, you shout their name and chase after them, you get the idea. A lot of people never really think much about their name, it’s their name, their parents gave it to them, case closed, but the issue of names comes up when one’s gender identity is brought to the forefront of their thoughts. As I try to untangle my own understanding of my gender identity, my name becomes an issue.

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Becoming “That Girl”

There is no doubt that many of us have changed after quarantine and as a result of this pandemic. Many of us are overwhelmed, anxious, but some of us might have used the time in quarantine to better themselves. I was not one of those people. If you scrolled on TikTok during the height of the pandemic back in March/April of 2020 you would see glamorized morning routines, cloud coffee videos, exercise routines, etc. But, there are hidden layers to what you might see through your screen.

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To Bind or Not to Bind? That is The Question

This blue and pink image depicts a stereotypical male figure, a half male half female figure, and a stereotypical female figure. The figures are similar to traditional bathroom signs.

Image Source: https://medium.com/@queerquill/what-its-like-living-with-gender-dysphoria-as-a-non-binary-person-81054795a2bd

As a non-binary person, I am locked in a constant and overwhelming struggle of feeling comfortable in my own body. Embodiment theories tell us that our physical body impacts our emotional well-being, and I feel the effects of this phenomenon daily. One tangible representation of this struggle is my experience with binding.

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Kim Kardashian’s MET Gala Look; Why do People Care?

A collage of Kim Kardashian, the left photo exhibiting Kims face, with a full face of makeup. The photo to the right is Kim Kardashians MET gala outfit where she is dressed head to toe in all black. The cloth covering all of herself aside from her hair.

Arguably the most well know women in the world showed up to the MET Gala this past week in an all black outfit with nothing but her hair exposed. This being the complete opposite of what society was expecting to see Ms. Kardashian in. As we discuss embodiment, Kim’s attire speaks volumes to this concept, as she is the face of female sexuality in American cluture. Embodiment: The expectations and constraints on how society sees an individuals body. In Kim’s case this expectation differs based upon her fame.

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Anxiety.

Anxiety.

The constant thoughts that fog up our head. The constant thinking of having to make it in life, in order to make your parents proud. The constant thought of how important your future is and how things might not go as planned due to certain things that are happening in your life. The constant thoughts about the what if’s, that often play in the back of your mind like a broken record. The thoughts of rejection, stopping you from being your best. The millions of thoughts that are going around in your head and often having the feeling of being very overwhelmed. The constant thought of having to pretend to be okay, when you know your not, especially in front of your family because you don’t want to feel like a burden. Sometimes we don’t like to explain this to people because they might view you a certain way. Sometimes explaining anxiety to people can feel like having to explain how to solve world hunger. Sometimes trying to explain to people how your feeling, they will just tell you that “it’s just all in your head”. They are wrong it’s more than just that.

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The Great Depression of 2020

Depression Meme Dump #3 - Album on Imgur

I had my 21st birthday in the middle of Quarantine, meaning my 20’s have already started out as depressing. As I’m sitting here, trying to figure out what to write, I think it’s very important to recognize what we as a world, and especially as a country, have gone through over the past year. 2020 has been the worst year of many people’s lives, with maybe less specific tragedies numerically, but definitely including one of if not the longest lasting tragedy in recent years. COVID itself has ruined lives and left people broke and begging for help just to survive. I’ve gotten very lucky so far. I haven’t gotten sick, I haven’t had much problems with money, but this year has been tough on everyone.

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Am I Faking It?

I have chronic migraines. I got diagnosed when I was probably around 13 or 14, but I’ve never felt like I could call myself disabled or claim identity with the chronic illness/pain communities. It’s not that I feel put off by those labels– I’ve done plenty of introspection on that, to make sure that the reason I didn’t feel comfortable with those labels wasn’t because of some subconscious bias. Rather, I feel like my migraines just aren’t bad enough, don’t affect my life severely enough to “count.” I feel like claiming those labels would be exaggerating, or speaking over someone who “fits” better than I do. 

Which is stupid, by the way. I essentially live my daily life with a near-constant headache clocking in between 1-4 on the pain scale, with occasional spikes to higher levels. When it escalates to a migraine, I get nauseous and can’t eat or drink for a day or more, until it goes away. Before a migraine hits, I often get visual aura, which looks like TV static taking up most of my vision. During a migraine, I become extremely sensitive to sounds and smells, and I get so photosensitive that, especially combined with the visual disturbances, I can become effectively blind for several hours. Depending on weather patterns, stress, and other situational factors, I average between 3-10 true migraine episodes per month, with other severe headaches in between for spice. This has impacted my academics, my work life, my social life, my mental and physical health and development, etc. Everything. Like, what part of that experience doesn’t sound disabling??? And yet, I struggle to feel justified in identifying as such.

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When Failure is Radical.

Affirmations from an unreliable drop out –

I have failed to work with a system that prioritizes productivity over personhood.

I have chosen moving forward over suffering

I will accept myself to spite a value system that does not want acceptance – but always striving for “better”. If I internalize it, that I am always striving for “better”, then I build a comfortable place for the belief that I will never be enough, to rest upon. Instead, I will build space within myself to be less than ideal. 

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The Irrational Male Fear of “#MeToo Era” Dating

TW: Sexual assault

Take my phone away. Just take it. Because every time I lurk on social media, I see something that just irritates my soul. First it was people shamelessly salivating over leaked celebrity nudes, then it was people being ahistorical about beauty standards and body trends. The silver lining is that at least it gives me content to write about, but at what cost…?

On today’s installment of What’s Got Me Pissed Off, I’d like to discuss an uncomfortable (to put it generously) sentiment that I’ve seen creep up within a sector of the male population online in pertinence to dating in today’s cultural climate they’ve aptly named “The #MeToo Era.” It goes something like this, and my exaggeration is actually not that far off from the truth, sadly:

“dating in the #metoo era these days is literal HELL. i cant breathe, blink, or shit around a female without being afraid that she’s gonna think im a creep. and then falsely accuse me of rape or something even though i literally did not fuckin touch her. and then i get jumped by a rabid mob, lose my job, have all my friends and family hate me, get exiled by society, and then i GO TO JAIL FOR 2438295742032380 YEARSSSSS!!!! any of you fellas feel this way, too?”

– u/[deleted] via r/AskMen
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Who is she???? No really, I’m asking

As an afab nonbinary person who feels most comfortable dressing in “feminine” clothes, I am often misgendered by others. I don’t really mind being perceived as a girl by strangers, personally– I am lucky enough to not experience dysphoria, but I do still want to be visibly genderweird so that other queer people know I’m friend shaped. That doesn’t mean I like being misgendered though, obviously. Like everyone still has to use they/them pronouns for me, but I can’t beam that into strangers’ brains telepathically (yet) so it is what it is. 

If you were curious, a few of my favorite ways to describe my gender are “girl adjacent,” “girly girl but there’s something definitely wrong with me,” and “oh you know, just, like, the color pink.” One could accurately say that I have a relationship with girlhood in the same way that the toons in Roger Rabbit have a relationship with the laws of physics. That is, it’s only there when it’s fun or funny– which brings us, finally, to the real topic of this blog post. I misgender myself a lot for the purpose of comedy, and I am definitely not the only trans person I know who does this. And oh boy is it funny. Cis people just can’t be on our level, sorry. 

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