This is going to sound really weird, but I am having trouble figuring out how to identify: as white, mestiza, both? I really don’t know. My brother took a DNA test and we’re ¼ indigenous to the South American region. Is that enough to consider myself a woman of color? Does the one-drop rule apply to mestizos? According to 23andMe, we’re 63% Spanish and Portuguese. I think about this a lot. So much so that I’ve even been recommended to a therapist who focuses on race.
Here is where my confusion stems from: race as a social construct and race as an identity. I read something on twitter that basically implied there is no such thing as “white-passing” because race is a social construct so whatever race society sees you as, that’s what you are. I try to apply that to myself, but there is not a social consensus on what race I am.
I was scrolling through Twitter and came across a post about USPS’ Operation Santa, a program where you can “adopt” letters from real children and families and be able to make their Christmas wishes come true. The main post had four screenshots of letters that were gut wrenching, with kids asking for basic needs and money to help their family. I could not believe I had not heard of this program before and kept in mind that it officially started on December 4th. I was about to keep scrolling until I saw someone reply with one of the letters from last year. It absolutely shattered my heart.
I would like to preface this with the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive household. This does not take away from all that a college student faces while living at home, but it also means there is also a lot for me to battle on a personal level.
I am the oldest of three. My mother still babies my siblings who are now in 8th grade and high school. For me, it means that my mother puts all of the household responsibilities on me. Such as feeding the dogs in the morning. Taking both dogs out in the morning, sporadic pees in the day, and night. Helping the kids with homework. Making sure the dishwasher is emptied. Assisting her if she isn’t feeling well. Doing the majority of the clean up after dinner. Yet, I am not the only one who lives here. This isn’t a section of me complaining, but rather a look into what else a student may be juggling on Top of school work and whatever job they may have. This is also not even beginning to dive into what it means to have a social life in the current climate, which is a beast in its own.
We as students have a mix of labels thrust upon us at this time. At school I am an adult. At work I am an employee who needs to be at my shift on time and perform my job well. At home I am a kid who needs to “step it up to help around here”. It is hard to balance everything and make everyone happy while still remaining sane.
Within the pandemic itself, the semester never felt like it started. Time is a social construct to begin with, but the lack of structure is displacing. Our entire lives we have been conditioned to go to school and sit in a classroom with a teacher at the front of the room. That is how we have been trained to learn and study. With that particular structure. Yes, there are online universities, but those are specifically structured to be online. We, meaning students and professors, were all thrust into this suddenly and are still learning how to cope. The homework load is insane as it seems professors are overcompensating for lost class time. Not all classes are regularly scheduled, so trying to even get into the groove of normality is near impossible. On top of the insane load mixed with the alternate reality we seem to be in, we are still expected to maintain our GPAs and perform well in our exams.
I want to learn, but being at home while in class has proven more than challenging. I am overworked. Plain and simple. So there have been a class or two I will admit I have fallen asleep in. The perk of being home is that I can go to class in bed and still in my underwear, but it also means there is no distinction between my work time and my relaxation time. I can guarantee I have not learned anything this semester. I have retained nothing. The only thing I have learned is how to get by without focusing on a single thing in class. And I still got a 4.0 this semester. How does that make any sense? I did not pay attention, did the minimal work, and still skated by. What does that mean for our classes? I don’t have the solution to fix anything, but it certainly is not great for students right now, and I wish the people in my life were more sympathetic to it.
It is also hard to see how much we are all struggling when it is the same thing every day. I am so used to seeing my family every day I do not notice any emotional shifts that are happening gradually. My therapist is “concerned” about me because I am exhausted and seem to be more so each week, but hell, I didn’t even notice. The reality for students is that we do not have time to be tired. We are expected to be functioning and ready to go for each exam, each final project, each group discussion, each reading, each writing response, each paper, etc. If we are not on top of everything going on in our lives at any given moment it begins to pile up and add even more pressure to an already crappy situation. We fear for ourselves getting sick at work to come home to do chores and deal with our families to continue to work on All of the hours of homework to only show up to a class that we are only attending for the attendance points and graduate with a degree that is a simple piece of paper we have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for. And what is it all for anyway?
Welcome to being a student in the pandemic. If you graduate without experiencing anxiety, depression, or so much stress your hair is turning grey, can you please tell us the secret to your superpower? It is a rarity that should be studied.
To all the students out there, keep powering through. We are doing our best, and that is enough.
For this post, I’m going to be sharing some comments about my health that I find deeply hurtful and explaining why those comments were personally hurtful. Now I am going to mention all of these comments were not meant to be offensive. People said these things to be helpful, supportive, or just didn’t know anything about me.
Like many people, I have encountered many mixed messages regarding medication for mental disorders. It seems like everyone has an opinion; some are adamantly pro-medication, others are more against it. I have anxiety, and the decision to go on medication for it was not a decision I made lightly. In January of 2020 I started taking Celexa, an SSRI. I was miserable; anxious all the time, my panic attacks were occurring more frequently, and my brain just would not turn off. I had insomnia and felt like I was losing my mind.
The first week of taking Celexa was pretty rough. I had a persistent headache and always felt dehydrated, no matter how much water I drank. As the weeks turned into months, the side effects went away, and I did start to feel better. The noise in my head was quieter, and I was better able to manage the physical symptoms of anxiety.
By October, I had started feeling worse. My panic attacks were coming back, so I felt like I needed to increase my dosage. Big mistake. That was a decision I made in the heat of the moment, while I was upset. I got another migraine, this one lasting for days. The dehydration got worse too, and that’s when I decided I didn’t want to do this anymore. Without telling my doctor (I do not condone this, but I can be impulsive sometimes) I started tapering myself off Celexa completely. I decided that the side effects were too much, and that I had learned enough coping mechanisms through psychotherapy that I felt I didn’t need medication anymore.
I did what I felt was right for my body, and I’m so glad I did. My gut was right in telling me that I didn’t need medication anymore. It was tough to deal with my “raw” anxiety, and I still struggle sometimes, but I had truly underestimated the skills I had developed over the past year to combat it. I am headache free, normally hydrated, and my sex drive is back (that was another unfortunate side effect).
I still think medication can be a wonderful thing, and I am an advocate for people doing what they feel is the best choice for them. Everyone is different, and it is important to be informed so you can make the right choice for you. You know yourself better than anyone, so trust your instincts!
I have been conducting a qualitative research study survey as part of my writing intensive course surrounding navigating the healthcare system for mental health services as trans individuals.
At first I didn’t want to write about this. COVID-19. It seems the obvious choice in a class on embodiment. Write about the thing going on in the world right now terrorizing bodies, shaming bodies, changing bodies. It somehow seems cliche to write about COVID-19. How can it be overwritten when it seems as though COVID-19 still has so many words to say. I didn’t want to write on it because I wanted to take its power somehow. But I have learned that the power it holds is larger than we see, and recognizing this is how we may take the power back.
This weekend my house had a COVID scare. We have had scares before, whether it was from working in our “essential” service jobs, or taking a cough as a sign of doom. I’m sure most of us have had them. This one was different. This time my roommate shared a cigarette with a girl who tested positive. This time after that cigarette me and my roomate shared a straw. This time after that straw I kissed my partner. This time after that kiss I saw my family. The CDC told us not to. But it was Thanksgiving. I can make a lot of excuses for my choice but the truth is I just missed my family.
The Saturday after Thanksgiving is when we found out. “She tested positive for COVID”, “How direct was the contact”, “Direct”, “What does the timeline look like”, “Well I shared the cigarette with her over the weekend and she tested positive sometime early in the week like Tuesday”.
I love my minor. I love the way I learn about the world, the people living in it, and the way those people are treated. I love that we get to freely discuss and debate during class. I love that my teachers are real; they tell us the truth, but they understand life happens and are the most understanding professors I have ever met. I love that when I meet new people, I don’t jump to judging them, but instead, I get the opportunity to get to know them. However, when someone asks what my minor is, my gut gets stuck in a knot and I hesitate to tell them the truth.
Sometimes it’s easy to feel lost when people have a hard time communicating and connecting to you in a way that you need them to be. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is by letting them go. There might be a times where you should be strong and help patch things up, but theres also lots of times where you realize that the best way to love them, is by letting them go. You can’t make someone love you the way you should be loved if things are only one sided. Let them go. You can’t make them love you , if they don’t. So the best thing we can do now is to simply let them go. You can try everything in the world to change how they feel but that won’t change their mind.
Before I downloaded Tik Tok, I thought it was just a platform where kids could post videos of themselves doing funny dance moves. However, after finally giving in and downloading the app, I quickly realized that it goes way beyond dancing. I mean there are videos regarding fashion tips, life hacks, recipes, workouts, travel ideas, and clips from your favorite movies and tv shows. Although these topics seem helpful, in reality, they are actually quite alarming and dangerous, especially to our younger generations. These videos make us fall victim to comparison and lead us to think that we have to change our appearance, where we live, how we dress, or what we consume, in order to reach a certain level of satisfaction or worthiness from the rest of society.
Yes, it’s nice to be shown helpful tips and tricks and watch funny clips that give us a good laugh. But, when I scroll through Tik Tok and see videos that are suggesting daily calorie amounts to consume in order to lose weight, I can’t help but pause and think about the dangers that they are causing to the eyes of innocent young girls. The majority of Tik Tok users are middle and high schoolers who fall between the ages of 11-18. Back when I was in middle school, the word “calorie” didn’t exist in my mind because my attention was put towards things in life that brought me joy and happiness instead of fear, guilt, and anxiety. My mind was thinking about what I should look like or how much food I should consume throughout the day.
I was more focused on hanging out with my friends than how much I weighed or what I was putting in my body. But now, my fear is that social media platforms like Tik Tok are presenting different obstacles to younger generations that are creating serious effects on not only their mental health but their physical health too.
Now I’m not completely bashing Tik Tok because I do find myself sharing a few laughs and smiles after scrolling through videos but we have to be more aware and cognizant of the content that we’re watching and putting out for the public to see. Whether that’s unfollowing accounts that are lowering your self-esteem or making you feel like you’re not good enough, it’s in the best interest of our younger generations to teach them what is truly important in life and do our best to remove anything from our social media accounts that are trying to convince you to believe otherwise.
Unruly Bodies 