tw: anxiety and sexual assault

Stop turning the music up… What did you say? I didn’t hear you because the thoughts in my mind are too loud… Don’t ask me our weekend plans, I’ll overstudy and overstudy some more…. Please don’t squeeze my hand, I will think you are mad at me… 

Dating while having anxiety is not easy. It is especially not easy when the people that you are dating have no idea what anxiety looks like. I’ve had four boyfriends in my life and all of them reacted in their own unique ways.

When thinking of the impact COVID-19 has left, often the first thoughts to come to mind are lockdowns, quarantining, and having to wear masks. But what about the trickling effects it has left on Asian women at home?

I can’t remember the last time I missed an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Even though I hate to admit it, it’s more than just a reality tv show. Over the years, it’s really brought out my hopeless romantic side where I’ve caught myself daydreaming about who I’d potentially give my “final rose” to. But, as I’ve had my fair share of relationships, I’ve quickly realized that they never quite looked like the ones that are portrayed on TV. The dates that I’ve been on haven’t involved a private jet or a zipline experience through an exotic rainforest. Although I’d like to say they’ve been meaningful and special, I can’t help but compare them to the ones on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.

As much as I love this show and all of the beautiful experiences and dates that the contestants get to have, I have to remind myself that it’s not something that I should be comparing my own personal life to. Although the show may seem harmless because it airs once a week, it has the power to reinforce harmful stereotypes that younger generations are using to set their own expectations for relationships.

The ultimate goal of the lucky Bachelor or Bachelorette is to end up engaged to the “love of their life”. We all secretly want that to happen but in reality, most relationships do not result in a proposal two to three months into seeing one another, so why are we always crossing our fingers for this result on the show? By reinforcing this expectation, we also are giving off the impression that the only way to true happiness is through committed heterosexual relationships. However, in 2020, we are seeing that this is far from the case. There are plenty of people that are happily committed to one another, regardless of sexuality, who do not have rings on their fingers. 

Another harmful stereotype that this show reinforces is that love moves at the speed of light. Oftentimes, if the final rose ceremony doesn’t end in a proposal, America seems to be disappointed and unfulfilled by the show. However, love can’t be forced in 6 weeks…and relationships move at different paces so I’m not quite sure why we are shocked to see couples break-up post-show when they’ve only known each other for a short period of time. We need to be able to separate ourselves from what we see on television because it has the power to dictate not only our thoughts but our relationships and attitudes towards our future decisions. 

Now my critiques are not to say that we have to abandon the show, it’s just to say that we need to become more aware of what we’re watching and be able to distinguish it from the real world. I mean you will still find me cuddled up on my couch at 8 pm every Tuesday, waiting to see how Clare approaches the rest of the season. But, I’m able to rest my head on the pillow each night knowing that my personal life and future relationships should not mirror the experiences on the shows. 

I started coming out as bisexual when I was a sophomore in high school but I was apprehensive about my identity until college. I feel more comfortable now talking about it with friends and most relatives. I am even starting to play with my style more by finally confidently shopping in the men’s section at stores. I am finally trying outfits that I have always admired others wearing such as button downs tucked into jeans or sweaters that have a more masculine aesthetic. I still have not been in a serious relationship with a man or woman (or even successfully flirt). Yet, with a growing confidence in my sexuality (and extreme loneliness) I would love to put myself out there with someone. Even if I am alone forever, I am really happy that I am growing so much. I am becoming more happy with who I am even though I still am not 100% sure who that person is. I am still unsure of what I want to do with my professional career in the long term. I have no clue where I want to live and create a life. I don’t know if I want to own a cat or a dog. I can’t tell if I like people platonically or romantically. I have gender dysmorphia and am constantly confused on my pronouns. I also don’t put in the effort to figure any of it out. I get scared and just want to stay in my bed far away from it all. This has caused so many issues but that is not why I wanted to write this post. 

I hope you are doing well and are healthy during this pandemic. No seriously, I do. Considering you are still coming into stores with your mask below your nose or even only covering your chin, I truly truly hope you are healthy. Not for your sake, for mine. Now before you take offense, let me offer this: I already know you don’t care about My well being, seeing as you are still coming into my store or into my restaurant. I promise, Sunday brunch with the girls is Not socially distancing, even if it Is outside.

Cases are climbing, and whether you realize this or not, I Need to work to live. I’m sorry you “need to get out of the house”, but go to the goddamn park instead. While I was here slaving away at work, You were here in my personal space and standing Way too close for me to feel safe.

On July 4th? I could tell you were ordering for your BBQ party. Why didn’t your family members call you out and decide not to show up? Because you are part of a toxic and Very selfish community. Please do your part and stay home. You can complain about being tired of being in quarantine, but it is only going to last That much longer if you keep putting more and more people at risk. Just because the people around you are acting as everything is normal doesn’t make it true. Dig deep. Find some empathy for others and try to protect yourself as well as all of us that are forced to work during this time.

I promise you, every time a waiter says “thank you for coming in tonight” they do not mean a word. Not saying they did before the quarantine, but especially now, I promise we are planning your death and cursing at you under our breath. I do not enjoy your presence here and wish you just got take out and stayed at home. If you Really want to support those of us literally risking our lives to Serve you, tip us. And tip us well! I don’t mean 15 or 20%. More. Help your fellow person, its the least you can do considering you probably only wore your mask to get in the door and never after when you are ordering.

Please do better. I am tired and exhausted of worrying about my health because Your head is up your own ass.

Love,

A person working 3 jobs during the pandemic

On October 9th 2020, Netflix released an 8 episode documentary about deaf college students who attended the most prominent deaf college, Gallaudet University in Washington DC. When the documentary was announced earlier in the year, a lot of the deaf community withheld their praise, as the show was being run by Nyle DiMarco, a famous model, actor, insert other things here, who is also deaf. He has a reputation in the deaf community for being… unable to read the room, so to speak. Most people who had heard about the show and who were not deaf or connected to the deaf community in any way were excited to see a show that gives them insight into the lives of deaf people and gives them an opportunity to learn more about deaf culture. I was curious to see what this documentary would be teaching hearing people about “the deaf way.”