tw: ED

Ever since I was young, I was an obese kid and trust me I was reminded of it everytime. Till this day I remember stepping on the scale in 5th grade in front of my PE teacher and seeing that I weighed over 100 pounds. I was so embarrassed of this weight as I saw other girls giggling and asking each other what they weighed. I was devastated as a 5th grader that I weighed that much even though I considered myself active. I used to play kickball, tag, run around the playground, but I never looked like the other 5th graders. So, this is where my unhealthy obsession with diets started. When I went into 6th grade I started doing a military diet (ik ik how bad it is for you but it was very popular with “noticeable” results). I was consistent with it and actually lost 3 pounds, but not realizing that this was all water weight. I kept doing this military diet on and off up until 7th grade when I noticed that I wasn’t losing or gaining weight. I had lost all hope of losing weight and went into a “oh well who cares” phase and started binge eating. So, of course I gained a lot of weight. Then in 9th grade I learned about the beauty of counting calories. I thought this would be the fix to all my problems and I could eat anything I wanted as long as I tracked it and kept my calories under 1200 (ik ik this is not recommended). I kept this going up until 11th grade till I just stopped losing weight again and went back into a binge eating phase. Over those past years I have tried a good amount of diets/fast such as the water fast, watermelon diet, and keto. Nothing worked, and whenever I brought up my concerns to my pediatrician he would always say it’s all normal since you are growing (bless him). However, I wish he had started some type of intervention that wouldn’t lead me to binge eating every couple of months when I stop seeing weight loss. This cycle haunts me till this day and I honestly haven’t found a way to break it. So, when I was listening to the Maintenance Phase podcast I listened to the Ozempic topic and I was intrigued with this type of solution because it seemed like an easy fix but as I listened to the podcast more, I learned how bad it was for us.

TW: ED 

I’ve struggled with anxiety for six years now, since my freshman year of high school. It has significantly impacted all aspects of my life. In the past, I struggled with social anxiety and low self-esteem. This caused me to be very reserved and made it difficult for me to form connections with people. Throughout high school, I was known as the shy girl who never raised her hand in class and spoke very quietly during presentations. I dreaded introducing myself or hanging out with people I wasn’t familiar with. Fortunately, I overcame these struggles when I came to UMBC. I have definitely improved my social skills and gained a lot more confidence in myself.  I became very involved in clubs and frequently attended different events on campus . This helped me develop my social skills and gain experience making connections with others. Now, I can make new friends with no difficulty and show my authentic personality without any fear of being judged. 

From an academic aspect, I still let my anxiety get the best of me. I tend to overthink and ruin my own mood by imagining the worst possible scenarios. Even if I prepare for an exam and study thoroughly, I convince myself that I don’t have the knowledge or skills to perform well. Before an important exam, I often experience racing thoughts, difficulty with breathing, and feeling very uneasy/tense. Sometimes, these feelings intensify so much to the point where I feel in danger. It is hard to describe these feelings, but I feel an overwhelming sense of panic and pain in my chest. This may correlate to my self-doubt and lack of confidence, which leads me to have negative thoughts about myself and my academic potential. If I perform well on an assignment or test, I hardly acknowledge it or feel proud of myself. On the other hand, if I perform poorly, I will fixate on that one grade and allow it to destroy my confidence. I think it’s important to put things into perspective and remind myself that school is just one aspect of my life, not my entire life. I shouldn’t let a bad grade define my self-worth or cause me to doubt my capabilities. It is completely fine to make mistakes because in the end, everything will be okay and I will end up exactly where I am meant to be. 

My anxiety has also impacted my physical health and diet. When a specific event occurs in my life (conflict with a close friend, relationship issues), I experience an immense amount of anxiety and let my thoughts be consumed with the situation. I am unable to eat complete meals due to the pain in my stomach, tension in my throat, and nausea. My body craves food, yet I am unable to eat anything because if I do, I won’t be able to hold it down. The thought of swallowing food literally makes me sick. It is such a scary feeling to see yourself become increasingly skinny, yet not being able to do anything about it because you are still too anxious/sad to eat. These symptoms will usually last for around a week, depending on how long the situation takes to be resolved. 

There are many different ways in which an anxiety disorder can be managed. This includes cognitive therapy, corrective breathing techniques, mindfulness, and building self-esteem. Personally, the most effective way in which I cope with anxiety is by expressing my emotions to someone I trust. My overthinking and low self-esteem are ultimately the root causes of my anxiety, so speaking to a close friend or family member definitely helps me sort through my emotions and feel less overwhelmed. In addition, I recently started meeting with a therapist who specializes in anxiety and coping skills. At times, my anxiety makes me feel as though I have no control over anything. But with the right resources and people, I hope to overcome this journey and live a happier, healthier life.

In our culture, the word “disability” frequently evokes pictures of people who have obvious disabilities or trouble moving around. But the truth is much more complex. There are many different kinds of disabilities, and not all of them are obvious at first. Certain disabilities are obvious, like needing a wheelchair or cane, but others stay hidden, hidden beneath the surface of day-to-day interactions. The requirement glasses is one of the best examples of an invisible disability. Many people deal with vision impairment, that greatly affects their daily lives but is frequently overlooked by others by wearing glasses or contact lenses.

A change in viewpoint is necessary to comprehend the actual nature of disability. It entails realizing that a wide range of conditions can cause disabilities. Not all of which are apparent right away. Consider the experience of those who wear glasses, for example… Even though wearing contacts or glasses may not initially seem like a disability, they are a type of accommodation that is required for getting around. Those who rely on these are aware of the limitations and difficulties they would face in their everyday lives if they did not have them. The usage of glasses is inextricably linked to their capacity to operate well in their surroundings, from reading signs to identifying faces. This highlights how crucial it is to promote a more accepting and compassionate view of disability. It emphasizes how important it is to recognize and make accommodations for all kinds of disability, whether they are obvious or hidden. By extending our senses.

The definition of disability that Oxford Dictionary uses is “a physical or mental condition that limits a person’s movement, senses, or activities”. Society in a broad way decides what is limiting, to have a certain degree of poor vision is not limiting because glasses are so widespread, to have the flu is (often) not limiting because there are medications that can quickly treat the disease. Some things are limiting because society has made them that way, having mental health issues can be limiting because access to affordable care is difficult, having a chronic illness is limiting in that others do not support or believe in what one believes is limiting them. Per Oxford disability is categorized by what someone can and cannot do, as partially controlled by society, but that is the dictionary definition. No one cares about the dictionary definition in real life though. 

People care about themselves and their worldview. What I view as a disability depends on my community and the world I interact with. Seeing someone in a wheelchair I know them to be disabled because that is what the parking lot signs say. That this person needs accommodations to be able to go grocery shopping. I honestly think it is the sign that makes me view someone as disabled, the fact that Walmart has said that they have a disability and therefore need assistance makes me think that they have a disability. Of course, it seems silly to frame the idea that companies determine disability but isn’t it true. The accommodations given indicates who is believed to need it. There is no widespread accommodation for chronic illness symptoms or migraines. This is sad, but I think it is something that we all know intrinsically. Invisible disabilities in the mainstream don’t seem to be a part of the common vernacular. Due to the self-centered nature of people and the ability to only look so far beyond themselves it feels as if invisible disabilities don’t count. They do count, they should count to everyone, but they don’t. 

As a child, in old pictures of myself, I had a crooked smile. My bottom jaw would swing out to the right side. Although my smile is usual now, I still must deal with the aftermath of it. One of the many issues I have that make me who I am is my Temporomandibular disorder, which is that the jaw joints and muscles have issues that can affect jaw movement. It changed how I functioned with the world since it impacted my speech. It comes with an array of symptoms that I experience daily, such as extreme pain in the chewing muscles and jaw joint, which is the most common, but the pain does spread to my face, neck, and head. The jaw stiffness causes limited movement, which causes painful clicking, popping, or grating in the jaw joint when opening or closing my mouth, which I call my party trick. Ringing in the ears and hearing loss, for me, starts with an auditory trigger. Dizziness and headaches with light sensitivity happen often. It changes the way my upper and lower teeth fit together. This disorder has many symptoms that can be caused in many ways.

Now, this is a somewhat common issue, and in most cases, it is a short-term issue. For me, it is chronic, so I needed to adjust in my life to avoid my constant pain, which can be debilitating at times. I eat soft foods in small bites; I say that I eat like a baby bird. I must go to physical therapy often. I have tried so many different treatments to help this issue. Still, sadly, this will be a constant issue in my life, which was solidified to me when my physical therapist used the term chronic for me. They believe I need to get more testing to see if I have a joint disorder as well since some of my limbs are hyper-extended, which is why my jaw does not want to stay put. My disorder is a forever thing for me, and since that is the case, I try to joke about it to alleviate the severity of my issue since having a positive mindset is essential.

I deal with these issues the best I can without letting others know for the most part because the person cannot see my problem only if you observe the way I open my mouth. After all, it still swings to the right. Since I do not think it is necessary to disclose that information when I do not need to. I wear sunglasses and do things to help reduce my pain, but some days, the pain is debilitating. I do try to push through, but it can be so disappointing trying to go above and beyond just to be judged in front of a group of people.

For example, my community college photography professors called me out in front of everyone to ask what my deal was because I was staring at the ground, closing my ears, and rubbing my jaw since my ear was ringing and I felt nauseous from dizziness. He was the only person who noticed and brought unwanted attention to me. Once I told him I wasn’t feeling well, he got annoyed, and the rest of the class was awkward. Later in the semester, he took me outside after class to say I was a terrible student ruining the course for everyone else for having different opinions from him and not being respectful to him because sometimes I am looking at the floor. I told him about my disorder, and he was glad I was in pain because he thought I was making an excuse to be rude. It was the first time someone told me they were happy because I was in pain. After that conversation, he kept asking me about my disorder because I do not think he fully believed me. I was in my second year of trying to understand my diagnosis and trying to treat it. That experience was frustrating to have to over-explain myself to a person who controls my grade the rest of that semester I felt uncomfortable.

This is just one of the many issues that make me who I am, and these uncomfortable, weird, and painful experiences make me a resilient person.

All my teeth touch on the right side but not my left.

I often wonder if I am lazy or if there is something wrong with me. I’m in college studying one the hardest majors with the goal to attain a well paying job in that field. However, I have no desire to work at all. I’ve never had a desire to work ever in my life. I would much rather spend my life exploring my interests, deepening my intellect, and connecting with people. Unfortunately, money makes the world go round, and money is an object I cannot do without. Therefore, I’ll graduate with my degree and hopefully obtain a six figure job. 

I absolutely hate the thought of working. I can barely focus on doing homework or studying for longer than 20 minutes, let alone attempting to work for 8 hours straight at my tech job one day. Just thinking about it brings me a little anxiety and mental exhaustion. I don’t want to age prematurely due to the labor my body would harbor due to working. I don’t want my body to deteriorate over a period of time because of the physical and mental stress that comes with having a job. These thoughts have pushed me to not desire work. I often feel inferior because of this desire, because I feel useless in a sense. 

We live in a society where “hard” work is glamorized. We are basically taught that working hard is what we are meant to do as human beings and that anyone who doesn’t work hard is lazy and will amount to nothing. I would like to think that maybe society glamorizes work that is simply too much for the capacity of the average human being, but on the other hand, I wonder if I’m making excuses for myself. 

I carry the emotional and mental labor of inferiority because of this desire not to work. My peers have aspirations to do big things such as owning businesses, making a lot of money, or climbing the corporate ladder. Meanwhile, I’d rather just exist. 

TW: Rape culture

When Sexyy Red’s sex tape was leaked, to say I was disgusted with the response of the internet is an understatement. Sexyy Red is a female rapper whose lyrics and social media usually center around topics of sex and have a sexual nature. Now to me, this is not outlandish, women have been making sexual music for forever.; Men AND women have made sexual music for forever. 

When a video of Sexyy Red having sex with a partner was leaked, WITHOUT HER CONSENT, the comments and reactions from the internet were absolutely disgusting. Comments were made about her body and her “performance” in the video. I wasn’t surprised at the fact that comments like this were made, I was surprised and taken aback at the way these comments were made as if she deserved to have a video of her having sex released, without her consent, because she makes sexual music. I was also taken aback by people on the internet feeling entitled to make crude comments about her body and what she decides to do with her sexual partners. Specifically, people were referring to the lyrics in Sexyy Red’s Poundtown “My coochie pink, My bootyhole brown” to make comments about how she was lying about the color of her genitalia when obviously we all know what she was talking about. 

These are the kinds of incidents that continue to perpetuate rape culture. A man leaks a video of him having sexual intercourse with a popular female rapper without her consent and because there is this hate towards women, especially black women, she is offered no protection and he is not condemned for his actions. In fact, he is encouraged because she “deserves” for that to happen to her because she portrays herself as sexual in her music.; The classic “what did she do to deserve it?” *insert eye roll*

Though I am not surprised at something like this happening, it is still exhausting seeing misogyny/misogynoir operate clearly. It is a reminder of how much work really needs to be done on so many levels and scales to uproot, challenge, and dismantle misogyny/misogynoir.

Link to Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibg2FyHET1c&ab_channel=11Alive

Bodies, when in labor, women begin to start with those agonizing contractions, the pain that a woman feels during childbirth is astonishing to me. How can a body tolerate so much pain to bring out new life into the world? The pain can be so overwhelming to the point where you need to have an epidural to at least rest and have energy for when you start the pushing process. When you are giving birth, maybe you can naturally push your child out but in other times if you are unable to you need an emergency C-section. Most times after a woman is done giving birth, she may have complications, such as high blood pressure, loss of blood, etc. But what if doctors choose to show negligence towards these mothers? What if they were a Black mother? After the documentary we watched, my eyes were open to the unequal treatment being given towards Black mother while giving birth, we saw with great sadness the passing of these mothers who could have been treated and cared for their complications right away. But it was the healthcare system and medical workers that had failed them. After watching this documentary and learning more about the maternal health system towards Black women, I began to do some research. I began watching videos of any other Black mother who was going through the same thing or experience. Black women are 3 times more likely to die from complications during birth because of the lack of care from medical staff. I have shared a link to the video so no one is confused lol. Brittnay Alverson, a mother of now four describes her traumatic experience being in the delivery room. Alverson’s main reason for her feeling traumatize was one thing that stood out to me the most, “I didn’t know how to advocate to myself and I was expecting those (medical professionals) to do the right thing.” This woman put her trust into these medical workers who ended up not caring for her in a dire moment. Alverson when in the delivery room was in labor for 5 hours and had ongoing contractions. On top of that she had passed a blood clot (which is something very terrifying to go through when giving birth) where no doctor had come to check up on her about that complication. It was only that after she had started the delivery process that medical doctors rushed in to help, although her birth was successful, the after birth was a turmoil. She began to see “tv static,” as she described it till she saw black. Turns out that during that evening she was supposed to get a blood transfusion, and as always it wasn’t until after that the doctor actually provided medical assistance for it to be done. What’s even worse about this case is that Alverson’s doctor forgot to sign off the medical forms which ultimately led her to wait 12 grueling hours until she was able to get that procedure. Alverson states that she wasn’t able to hold her baby, change her diapers, she couldn’t even bathe. After this transfusion, the doctor never saw her again and didn’t bother to ask her how she was feeling after the transfusion. Thankfully this mother is well again also having her fifth child, but she was able to have a Black OBGYN and that doctor was able to take care of her, be patient and slow with the process and overall not be negligent with her patient. Seeing that this is a sadly normal thing to happen towards Black women pinched a nerve. I was angry at the racial disparities that were happening in a place where health should be the number one priority, not race. I was upset at the health care system for failing the lives of many Black women that had to endure the pain that they always advocate for. Doctors should be able to provide full care to a woman giving birth no matter what race they are, no matter the circumstances.