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Letting go of my past

I come from a county that is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Anyone that gets out of that area is guaranteed a better life. I left my county a week before school started when receiving a scholarship at the last minute. Before I won my scholarship, my boyfriend of almost two years cheated on me with the person that introduced us in the first place. He cheated on me for two whole months and during those two months he already knew I was going through something. Simultaneously he also made promises to me that he would make sure I was healthy and happy. He said he would protect and make sure I was never hurt again. But he was the one who hurt me. It’s odd though because he also tattooed my name on his body as a grand gesture with out my permission. I took care of him when he was sick and injured, cooked for him, and defended him when he needed it. You can offer a man gold but they will always go for copper. My best friends tell me in Spanish “Las mujeres no lloran. Las mujeres facturan” (Women don’t cry. They make money) After I turned 18 he came crawling back and at the time I thought it was because he loved me. In reality, this little boy doesn’t know how to take time for himself. “Los hombres, regresan como perros arrepentido” (men come back like dogs with no home) says my friend. I stayed with him for another two months and then eventually my feeling dissipated and vanished into thin air. I felt nothing but pity for him that he could cheat on a woman like me, who could cherish and love him for another person that would never do the same. (we don’t like the other girl because she knew the whole time we were still together) I broke up with him recently and let go of other certain personal things and I feel like I’m finally stepping foot into a new chapter in my life.

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Adults can have autism too

Despite being friends with a few autistic people and also being neurodivergent myself, I never recognized that I viewed autism with some form of infantilization. Autism itself feels very “normalized” to me since a large majority of my friends have sensory and communication issues. I myself struggle with socialization and communication with others, so its not like those aspects of being neurodivergent are weird to me. However, I am always pleasantly surprised to see autistic characters in fiction have some sort of sex drive. Of course, autistic people can have sexual feelings and participate in intercourse, but it never occurred to me that I too could witness autistic characters experience the same sexual feelings as non-autistic characters do. Now that I know that this also plays into the infantilization of autism in media, I try to be more mindful.

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Fixating On Definitions of Myself

Working at a pharmacy seems like it should be organized and neat on paper, but in real life, it hardly plays out that exact way.

Just before writing this post, I had to deal with a half hour start to my shift that included juggling multiple phone calls and desperately searching for a patient’s prescription that had not been entered into the system yet. To make things worse, someone was in the drive-thru and I could not respond to them, so they eventually drove away. In reaction, I moved myself and the call to another computer and began to feel anxious about all of that being for nothing.

That is only one example of how my brain sometimes works against me.

From what I know from my mother, I did not speak until I was 4 years old, meaning I had a lot of catching up to do. I was also fixated on doing my own thing, and I still am now. She told me that she took me to a psychologist, and the only reason I was not diagnosed with high-functioning autism was apparently because I was an active extrovert.

I thought learning about this would give me more control and more of a grasp on some of the things I do, but some cannot be explained by that anecdote alone. And it also clarified another reason why my mom acts the way she does. Trying to correct my bluntness, explaining the concept of “normal” as she does, and causing me no scarcity of grief because of the way I phrase some things are examples of how she tries to correct my behavior so I would be a more “productive and normal” member of society.

Nevertheless, I do indeed have a better grasp of some of the habits I have. Singing in the car, whistling and listening to songs on my AirPods at different times, and either drumming my fingers on the desk or some other action such as trying to play a game while doing something else are different attempts to self-stimulate or to ground myself. At least, that is how I understand them in an attempt to grasp my own habits without a formal diagnosis.

But even more than the habits and the fixations and my tendency to ramble, I feel more control in that I can better comprehend the ways in which I do not fit the mold of “normal”. And perhaps that is okay, because if I have to ask what normal is, then in what context is it truly meant to be understood?

Until then, I’m trying to understand myself more one day at a time and find a safe space where I can. be all of me and not fixate on what others think or on how I would define myself in any other context.

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Self Diagnosing…

Ah yes… the internet, where one can express themselves and share opinions about worldly topics BUT it comes at a price. Now Gen Z is the first generation to have grown up with the creation of most screened devices that we have today (phones, laptops, etc) and I can fairly state that I do not recall a time that I was never in front of a screen of some sort and I don’t see it as a bad thing.

It’s common sense essentially not to outright disclose any personal information to the world and the same goes for what comes out of our mouths. I’m talking about controversial opinions and commentary (yes, I’m looking at you Reddit user0987q3275 lurking about). It’s all well and good and quite wholesome when the internet bands together to create memories or help each other and educate any users. Now here’s the tricky part; the thing is, never believe everything on the internet. Do your own research if you really want proper information (I feel like this is a necessary reiteration…) but there are two sides to this.

Take TikTok for example; there are thousands if not more users using the platform for their own uses whether its to educate, vlog, entertainment, etc. There are hundreds of videos of viral dances, to music video promotions to cat videos BUT there are also videos that shine light on different awarenesses (mainly of mental health and conditions). People just love to showcase themselves of what it is to be autistic, or have OCD or anxiety which is completely okay but going back to ‘don’t believe everything on the internet’ should always be present in the back of your mind. Yes, bringing awareness to different health issues is amazing at spreading the word, but the internet is so buggy in the sense that people love to take advantage of that and use it for their own plight.

There are so many videos showcasing ‘what it is really like to have depression’ or ‘a day-in-the-life of someone who actually has ADHD’ and most of the time, it’s true. But there are also people who fake diagnose just to get views or even spread false information and even go as far as to self-diagnose themselves without professional tests (getting tested and the stigma behind that is a whole other topic but that will mayhaps be a later post-). Spreading false information and disguising oneself as a mental health disorder is absolutely absurd and hurts other people more than it hurts the creator.

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Palestine and what happens to Unruly Bodies under Occupation

TW: murder, violence, genocide, guns and death of children, disabled people, women

I believe it is important as those of us living in the United States to be intentional with how we connect what we learn in our respective courses to what is happening in the world because there is always a link. And in the case of Palestine you do not have to look far to find it. The current genocide in Palestine by Israel is the most important disability justice, reproductive justice, human rights issue for “unruly bodies” of our current moment.

Disability Justice. With the targeting of hospitals, rehabilitation centers, ambulances, medics and other resources for medical and physical assistance by Israeli military bombs represent just one way that disabled people’s lives are directly harmed by this onslaught of violence. Thousands of Gazans have also been permanently disabled as a result of bombings and gunfire while protesting. In fact during the Great March of Return where from March of 2018 to December of 2019 Palestinians gathered and protested at the fenced off Israel-Gaza border for their right to return to the land stolen from them, visibly disabled protesters were intentionally targeted by the IDF. The United Nation’s 2019 report of the massacre during 2018 revealed that of the over 6,000 protesters shot by Israeli snipers, 122 required limb amputations (20 of which were children), 21 became paralyzed, and 9 permanently loss their eyesight. 940 children were shot, 35 were killed, many of whom left with permanent disabilities. This was just in the 8 months of the protest in 2018. Children and disabled people are both protected under international law during instances of armed conflict but instead they were intentionally targeted by Israeli forces and continue to be.

Click to access A_HRC_40_74.pdf

Link to the UN Commission’s 2019 report which I referenced above.

Reproductive Justice. SisterSong Women of Color Reproductive Justice Collective defines reproductive justice as “the human right to maintain personal bodily autonomy, have children, not have children, and parent the children we have in safe and sustainable communities.” Since Israel’s October 13th evacuation order over 1 million Gazans were forced to leave their homes (over 19,000 being pregnant women) and faced death as borders were guarded by IDF soldiers and because of the very limited time given to leave before bombing would begin. Prior to October 7 and the subsequent massacre by Israeli forces, Palestinian women and mothers already lacked access to sexual and reproductive resources from sanitary products to birthing facilities due to travel restrictions. Many hospitals are located where Palestinians cannot travel to without permits which are typically denied. Like the stress and fear caused by the forced evacuation, extreme poverty and food insecurity have resulted in many women experiencing miscarriages. Since the October 7 attack by Hamas resistance forces, over 11,000 Palestinians have been murdered, over 4,000 were children, over 2,000 were women, and thousands are missing. It is impossible to know how many pregnant women have died in the past month. With hospitals and reproductive centers destroyed as a result of the nonstop bombings, hospitals are unable to provide the necessary care and resources for pregnant Palestinian women leaving them with very few safe options for themselves and their unborn children. Reproductive justice cannot exist under occupation.

https://www.aljazeera.com/gallery/2023/11/8/no-end-in-sight-to-plight-of-gaza-children-as-israeli-attacks-intensify

https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2023/10/25/how-will-i-give-birth-dangers-of-a-gaza-pregnancy-amid-israeli-bombing

https://www.sistersong.net/reproductive-justice

https://reliefweb.int/report/occupied-palestinian-territory/high-risks-miscarriage-death-many-pregnant-women-forced-evacuate-northern-gaza#:~:text=oPt-,High%20risks%20of%20miscarriage%2C%20death%20for%20many%20pregnant%20women,to%20evacuate%20from%20northern%20Gaza&text=An%20estimated%2019%2C000%20pregnant%20women,safe%20place%20to%20give%20birth.
Sorry for the lack of proper citations but these are a few links to where I got my numbers from. It’s important to remember that these numbers are growing daily.

Palestinians and the construction of Unruly Bodies. Like in the British/European colonial histories in the Americas, Africa, Asia, and beyond, Israel’s colonial movement required the depiction of Palestinians as barbaric, ignorant, and in need of civilization and modernization. This racist rhetoric was used since Zionism’s beginning in the 19th century solidified in the 1948 Nakba where over half of the Arab population in Palestine were forcefully displaced from their homes first by Zionist militias and then by Israeli armies. Therefore, any Palestinian resistance to Israeli occupation renders Palestinians unruly because their self-determination and autonomy are inherently oppositional to Israel’s colonial project. Labeling such resistance as terrorism justifies Israel’s continued genocide of Palestinian people and such imagery and discourse is used in Israeli and western media to promote the occupation.

To connect it back to class, I believe the social model of disability is an important framework for understanding what is currently happening in Palestine. The Israeli occupation physically, socially, and politically disables Palestinian people daily and denies pregnant women the right to deliver their babies safely and humanely. Also, our conversations about neurodivergence are important to note as neurodivergence can result from traumatic experiences. When discussing people who have become disabled as a result of Israeli violence, mental illnesses are also a part of that. Gazans/Palestinians have lived through decades of trauma meaning the siege is also psychological manifesting as depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and more.

Despite this, disabled people are still showing up to protests demanding the right to return to the land of their ancestors. Palestinian women are still giving birth knowing that there is a possibility of their child not being able to grow up. Palestinians continue to yell that Palestine will be free. Regardless of Israel’s attempts to destroy youth-led resistance movements, generations of Palestinians refuse to let the fight for freedom extinguish. It is important that Palestinian modes of survival are acknowledged and that we learn from the resistance movements of Palestinian people and connect them to the liberation struggles of all oppressed people across the world.

HUGE trigger warning for everything I listed at the beginning of this post and more but this film is called Gaza Fights for Freedom and it delves into a lot of what I mentioned above. It is free on Youtube to watch.

Free Palestine!

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Stairs at UMBC

So I am not a big person, but I am not a small or athletic person either. And I have noticed that I am weaker than the average person. Every day I come to campus, I am faced with the reality that I need to work out because going from the Commons parking garage to the Fine Arts building is a struggle. I am always out of breath and have to force myself to not take a break while going up the stairs to save myself from embarassment. And I thought I was the only one because everyone else was speeding past me up the stairs, but I realized I was not the only one in a couple of my classes.

Last week, I had a couple classes talking about accessibility and mobility, and it was then that I realized that UMBC is just not an accessible school. Many people with mobility disabilities are not able to walk in this campus because of how many stairs there are. Many have to take the elevator in the University Center to get anywhere. Now I am not a disabled person in any way, and I do not want to equate my lack of working out to their inability to walk through campus, but learning about this in my classes brought a new perspective for me because I never had or knew someone with a disability. My relationship with disability is one where I am constantly learning and seeking to learn these new perspectives.

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Disability?

It never clicked that I had a mental illness until way later than it should have, unfortunately. Then when it did I always made excuses for how my actions caused me to function so poorly in life, separating the illness from myself as if they could ever exist separately. Visible and invisible disabilities were never seen as equal in society. One was a valid reason for requiring aid and assistance, the other was a cry for attention or something synonymous with not trying hard enough. When you look at your own behavior through that lens and not for what it really is it diminishes your chances of finding peace in living or happiness. At young ages, we are forced to process our ever-changing minds and chalk it up to normalcy or puberty. But when you develop a mental illness and you lack the resources to properly process or understand the significance that track to disability isn’t as long as it seems. The debate about whether chronic illnesses should be seen and treated like disabilities means that there is a difference in the way the two live their lives. And that legislature will solve the debate, when in reality both parties are already living the same struggle. If the way I live my life isn’t indicative that I’m not behaving like a healthy and abled person then disabled would be the appropriate term. Calling myself disabled when I have all the tools to fix them just out of reach but no motivation to reach for them is an argument that I’ve had way before lecture. And one that I will continue to have after I’ve graduated.

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Anxious

Living with anxiety has been a very big part of my life, and it affects my daily routine. The constant worry and unease make even simple conversations feels like a challenge, leaving me feeling pretty uneasy in social situations. As a student, the pressure to excel academically only makes my anxiety worse, making it hard to keep up with assignments and deadlines. Whether it’s about health, school, money, friends, family, etc. everything seems to make me anxious in a way. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and that many people face similar battles with anxiety.

I’ve taken some steps to try and tackle my anxiety. I’ve been watching YouTube videos and reading articles that provide tips for managing anxiety. These videos and articles have given me a sense of motivation to try and retrain my brain and reduce the hold anxiety has on my life. While it is tough sometimes, I’m determined to confront my anxiety and work towards a calmer future.

Neurodiversity and Race
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Neurodiversity and Race

Neurodiversity can be defined as differing in mental or neurological function from what is considered typical. Neurodiversity can take many forms, like ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and Tourette syndrome, just to name a few. Thinking differently has many advantages, like better pattern recognition, creativity, stronger observational skills, and more. Unfortunately, neurodivergence does not exist in a vacuum. People are perceived by society through social constructs like gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, and more. In this post, I explore the intersectionality of race and neurodiversity, focusing on Black people in the United States. 

The stereotyping around neurodiversity shows itself in assumptions of intelligence and capabilities. Stigmas include low intelligence, carelessness, lack of ability, and behavioral issues. In school, neurodivergent children are segregated from the other students by learning in different classrooms. When combined with the structural inequalities around race, it could be a deadly unification. White children are twice as likely to receive a diagnosis compared to black children. Teachers in wealthier, whiter schools are more likely to recognize neurodivergent behavior. When paired with stigmas around black people being trouble-makers in society who deserve the punishment they receive, it is not surprising that Black children are punished harsher for behavior that may be signs of neurodivergence. This ties right into the school-to-prison pipeline, which are the policies and practices that push our nation’s school children, especially our most at-risk children, out of classrooms and into the juvenile and criminal justice systems. This phenomenon shows itself in disproportionate punishments given to black and brown children, especially for boys. Black and brown children are constantly looked at as deviant or “bad” children who deserve to be punished in school and grow up to be overly policed by law enforcement in society.  

I’ve seen this first-hand with my brother. We lived in a majority non-black neighborhood, and it was very apparent that teachers did not have a lot of experience with children. My brother always showed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) tendencies, something that the school was made aware of each year. He was always in trouble for something, whether it was talking back or playing too rough. The teachers were generally white women who did not understand him. Punishments were always suspensions, which never matched with what he did. The problem with suspension is that the student misses school time, which leaves the student behind in classwork. They also go on your school record and can affect your chances of getting into your first-choice colleges, getting jobs or internships, etc. In high school, he was officially diagnosed with ADHD, and the school issued a 504 plan, a plan developed to ensure that a child who has a disability identified under the law and is attending an elementary or secondary educational institution receives accommodations that will ensure their academic success and access to the learning environment. For my brother, he needed small breaks where he could walk around the hallway, headphones, and his personal space. To put it simply, he just needed to be left alone, which seems like something so simple but was proven so hard to comply with. Some teachers understood this dynamic; he may not look like he’s paying attention, but he is. However, some teachers could not let it go. Constantly being reprimanded for having his headphones in, not being allowed to get up and leave when he needs to, etc. 

In the fourth grade, my brother was in art class and called this girl’s artwork ugly. The girl said, “So is yours,” they both proceeded with the rest, not considering the interaction. The art teacher overheard this interaction and reported him to the principal, where he was later suspended for bullying. When my mom caught wind of what was happening, she contested with the principal, who would not budge, a couple of administrators in the school system, and then the superintendent of Howard County Public Schools. She was met with the same stubborn and prejudiced mentality that a conversation overheard between two students warranted a three-day suspension. It wasn’t until my mom hired a lawyer, built a case, and threatened to sue the school that the suspension was overturned. The process took a year of constant back and forth with the school system and another six months to correspond with a lawyer. It is not lost on me that not everyone can spend 18 months in a battle with the school system over one suspension, and it makes me wonder how many other children were punished unfairly but did not have the resources to hold the school system accountable.

Family photo of Elijah McClain wearing red plad shirt and black glasses.

Lastly, I want to shed light on Elijah McClain. Elijah was a 23-year-old massage therapist who loved to play violin for stray cats. When the police harassed him, he notified them that he was autistic, but the Aurora, Colorado Police Department still murdered him. These practices and procedures aren’t just humiliating; they take the lives of the innocent.

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Warning

Warning 

I have stretch marks 

Stretch marks 

The stretching of skin 

Appearing on those from thick to thin

Some on men, best friend to women 

Those fierce lines 

The tiger stripes of woman pride 

That we all try to hide 

But I don’t know why

I thought we were all about beauty being natural 

Then why is media beauty posed as unfactual 

The bodies I see on my phone are unachievable and irrational

Warning 

I am not a size zero

I don’t have a tiny waist of a superhero 

I have a belly whether I’m full or famished 

I sometimes don’t eat a salad with my sandwich 

I have rolls on my back 

My biggest curves is all of me from my thighs, hips to my rack 

The mastery of self control is something I sometimes lack 

Warning 

I don’t believe it’s an ugly thing to be fat 

“Do I look fat in this”

“Does this dress make me look big” 

“I look so fat in this pic”

Since when has big become unattractive 

Society says it impossible to be fat and attractive 

Oh but being “PHAT” is okay 

Oh she got all the right curves the guys like to say 

So the bigger the better only applies to breast and ass

If your chest is bigger than your stomach then you get a free pass 

“You’re not that fat”

What do you want me to say?thank you? 

I don’t think so

Warning 

Skinny and healthy aren’t the same word 

I can be plus size and in shape no matter what you’ve heard 

You know what I’ve been forced to learn?

If my skinny friend eats burgers and fries no one bats an eye 

But if I stuff my face all eyes turn attention to my not so tiny waist 

I guess you can only pig out if you’re the size of twig 

I’m tired of my outside appearance taking from whats within 

Warning 

My “summer body” is my every day body 

Everyone’s body is a “summer body”

I won’t hide my arms because they jiggle when I raise my hand 

I won’t refuse to sit down to conceal my rolls or hold in my stomach when I stand 

Editing insta pics so I look like Kim K

When her body was permanently fixed to look that way

I will not keep altering 

When society is the one who’s faltering 

Warning 

Skinny girls have body problems but we have it worse

Now before y’all throw a fit, society doesn’t hit you where it hurts 

Halsey is the standard, Megan Fox is the goal

Lizzo is one of my only plus size idols, and her advocating for fat girls has taken its toll 

Her comments stacked with all kinds of trolls 

“Cover your body” and “No one wants to see all that”

Maybe it is a death sentence to be fat

It damn well shouldn’t be 

Just in case society brain washed you about my own body, I had to warn you 

Warning 

I am beautiful 

I am not beautiful in spite of my rolls, cellulite, and flab 

I’m beautiful because of that