When I was around 12-13 years old, I planned to come out to my family that I was Bisexual, I was expecting that there was going to be a lot of shock and questioning me if I was sure or if it was a phase. I was expecting my brother to think that I was overthinking it and I was just curious. I thought my mother would say that I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I am just confused. I believed that my father would blame my friends and my interest groups for “turning” me into a “queer”.

Dear God was I so wrong…

When I finally came out to my family, it seemed like I was telling them old news, information that they already know. My Mother gave me this smug look saying “Oh? is that so? I’m glad you finally noticed.” and continued to watch Big Bang Theory. My brother stated, “Oh really? Cool, hey which of these 2 girls do you think is hotter?” as he showed me a pic of 2 models in bikinis. And when I told my Father, (it was when we were driving home) he was not shocked at all and then asked me “Neat, you want chicken nuggets with your cheeseburger when we get to Wendy’s?”.

I don’t know why but at the time, I was so confused why my family didn’t shame me and were so excepting of me “coming out” (even if the closet was apparently made of glass). Maybe it’s because I heard so many horror tales of “coming out” stories going wrong and children being shamed and ostracize from/by their families, that I had an unconscious fear yet, expectation that there would be a push back from my own family when I “came out”. Was it because I felt guilty since there were so many people who were shamed by their family when they “came out”, when my family was so excepting of who I was (even if they apparently knew I was Bisexual before I did)? Did I unconsciously, deep down, wanted to start drama in my family? I don’t know why I felt ashamed that my family loves me for who I am and that I don’t have to pretend and be someone else, and maybe I will never know.

How do you define success?

I have gone back and forth with this for quite some time but I finally feel as though I have an understanding of what it means to me to be successful. If you had asked me 5 years ago what “success” meant, I would have said having money. I used to think that the only way to be successful in my life was to have extreme amounts of money. Happiness didn’t matter to me because I thought it would just increase as my bank account did.

5 years ago I thought this way because the people I surrounded myself with. I was in an awfully abusive relationship and I would throw myself into my work to avoid being around my boyfriend. I thought if I worked a lot and had money, I could buy things that would make me happy and that would be my form of success. I had very ambitious goals for myself that would have forced me to be consumed with work for the rest of my life. I wanted people to aspire to be me and to have my level of success.

Fast forward to now: I am in an amazing relationship with the person I know I will spend the rest of my life with.

I now have a new definition of success; happiness. Those ambitious, crazy goals I had for myself? Out the window. I still of course have things I want to do in life, however, I have scaled down (in my opinion) my goals. Since I could remember, I wanted to be an doctor. I wanted to be a big fancy doctor that everyone envied. More recently I really thought about my career choice and how the rest of my life would look if I followed through with that choice. *disclaimer* There are countless doctors that have families and are able to devote so so much time to them, that is 100% not what I’m about to say. The specialty I wanted to go into was a very competitive and demanding one. One that needed my complete focus for at least the next 8 years. Was I ready to give the next 8 years up?

I finally had come to the decision that PA school would be better for me. (Of the PAs vs doctors I have talked to*) I have heard that PAs overall have a better life/work balance and their work is less demanding but still just as rewarding. I want to be able to start a family sooner because that was now #1 on my list. I of course got so much backlash from my family and even some friends, but it really didn’t matter to me. Now that I had met my perfect match, being happy mattered. I will still be successful, no matter what I do. Maybe not by my old standards, but I will be able to take care of those around me and that is all that matters.

For a while now, I have come to accept my body and all of its flaws and beauty. However, my constant body dysphoria and crippling anxiety/depression has made it difficult throughout my life to accept who I am. So, with the addition of environmental factors such as prejudice because of my skin color and the norms or role I must conform to because I am a woman, there is the question of whether or not it is okay to accept myself the way I am now or act in a way that conforms to societal expectations placed upon me. At a young age, I lived in a predominantly hispanic community, but around the time I attended high school my family moved to Maryland. The difference between where I had lived as a child and here was shocking: there were definitely noticeable differences between how minorities were treated and the way in which we had to perform in order to not be judged. At some point, it felt as if I was not even myself because of the crushing expectations thrust upon everything I knew. There were choices I didn’t know I had at the time due to my youth, therefore I most certainly did conform to the toxic norms that were forced on me, such as staying quiet and making myself have a small presence in the company of others. Now that I am older, reflecting on my behavior and attitude in the past has been enlightening; I’ve become stronger in the sense of knowing that my opinion matters and I can be confident in my opinions because they matter. Because of the strong support system surrounding me throughout the years, they have helped me built up the little confidence and self-love I had before, since they have consistently validated my beliefs and opinions. Thus, at the present moment I no longer care about toxic stereotypes nor roles I am ”supposed” to follow, and have found much autonomy and independence from the experiences I have gone through. On a side note, usually when I have these thought of myself and reflecting on life, they are kept within my mind and not expressed much since I do not really talk about myself so much. So, having an outlet such as this blog has been wonderful; being able to share my experiences and life with others, in the hopes of someone understanding or relating to what I’ve gone through, is my hope. If anyone does read this and would like to talk about experiencing similar events, feel free to comment!

A note to the reader: I use queer in this passage as a way to express that we are all different in our sexualities, but similar in our differences. I am not sure what I would label myself as in this part of my sexuality journey, and that word helps me to feel included and seen, while still allowing me the space to figure it out. I do not mean to offend anyone with the use of the term. I also use gay as an umbrella term in certain parts of the passage, mostly as an opposition to straightness, as that is how it is understood by my parents. However, neither of my siblings nor myself are necessarily by gay by definition, we’re just all not straight.

In my last post I shared the experience that caused me to face my Anxiety, I’ve never before acknowledged my Anxiety – I just thought it was a normal thing everyone had, or it was just my shyness or personality. Growing up I had Anxiety about things most kids shouldn’t have, anxiety about disappointing my parents with my grades or having to talk to other people. It’s way I am so silent, and why I remain silent to this day mostly. I’ve gotten a lot better at managing it though, and If you suffer from this disorder as I do I will teach you how to overcome it. It doesn’t have overnight, it takes dedication and patience.

We need Anxiety to survive, Anxiety triggers the fight or flight response which can really come in handy in some situations- but when Anxiety comes at the wrong times It can have a devastating and lasting impact on your health. The first thing I did was visualize my Anxiety, separate it from my mind. Your body is a temple with all different elements and each of them must be taken care of properly. I visualized my Anxiety as a Spider, a Spider that lives in my head and crawls along my brain, it constantly begs to be let in and more often then not it got its way. The spider would tell my rational mind things to scare it, to double check myself- these would come in the form of “What ifs”. What if I will never get better? What if I am a secret psychopath? What if I’m going crazy? These thoughts may seem like a joke, but after a bad drug trip your mind drifts to a crazy place.

Now that you’ve visualized the Anxiety, you can move to overcome it- now you just have to find a way to shut the Spider up, and you can do that through treating your body as a temple. If you give your body negative energy you will revolve around it, you must break free of the chains that keep your mind a slave. I’m talking about your diet, your health, your addictions, every human body has the power to overcome these vices whether it be Alcohol, Marijuana, Porn, Video Games, Social Media, etc. These 5 are the ones I used to suffer with until I grabbed them by the neck and overcame them, you must treat these things as pests. They are the pinnacle of human suffering. You will never reach your fullest potential if you succumb to these things, and many people don’t- they spend their lives drowning in addiction and never are able to be who they truly aspire to be. I’m not saying get rid of these things entirely, a phrase I often repeat to myself time and time again is “Everything in moderation” by Everything I don’t mean Meth or Heroin, just use your judgement on that part. I’ve bought Video Games into my life as a reward for a hard days work, and I do drink but strictly on social occasions or holidays.

Like I’ve said before, a good diet, good sleep hygiene, and exercise can do monumental wonders for your body. This positive energy motivates you to continue to do better and become more of who you meant to be. Do not tack these on altogether though, otherwise you will fail and spiral down again. Start slowly, build up one habit at a time and once you are comfortable with it move forward. For me making my bed everyday added structure and discipline to my life, it seems like a small thing but once you do it you are motivated to continue with completing tasks for the rest of the day. For your diet, smart small and be basic. For me I just cooked eggs, added some fruit and toast with some ham on the side for lunch, or some days I’d make a ham and cheese. Dinner would consist of a side of veggies, with rice and protein- nothing fancy. Waking up the same time everyday is very important as it controls your circadian rhythm. Exercise can be added into daily tasks such as taking the stairs or parking further from the store or taking your dog on a walk.

Mindfulness is another big part to recovery, I begun to meditate and noticed my thoughts constantly switching and changing, if you cannot turn your brain off then you do not have control of yourself. Remain in the present moment, enjoy it, stop and smell the air, notice the wind and the clouds, be grateful for your life. I used to be afraid of flying, thinking that the plane would crash and I’d die in a fiery wreck, and the weeks leading up to a trip I’d be sweating and when the thought came up I’d get chills down my spine, then one day I realized that if I don’t die in the plane crash all the time spent worrying about it is a waste of time, if it’s gonna happen it is gonna happen and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, so just accept the risks in life and move forward.

Some other tips and tricks I’ve learned is this:

• When about to have a panic attack focus entirely on your breath, breathe out, hold, breathe in slowly, don’t focus on the seconds but just doing everything slow
• When you really need to get something done set a timer for 25 minutes, work entirely in that time frame and once it’s done you can stop or take a 5 minute break and repeat
• When you need to do something but have no motivation or are anxious simply count down from 5 out loud and physically move to do it, the physical part it important
• Meditate every day

This post will be funny to look at when you realize I don’t have any dedications to anything. I get to the beginner level of anything I’m not naturally good at and then I stop doing it. You see a lot if you go back through my life history. Knitting was fun (I made it to two small, small rows), drawing got tiring (I learnt faces and very detailed eyes), astrology is an baby interest that won’t go away (did you know having three planets in one house is called a stellium and that cusps mathematically aren’t real because the sun can’t be in two places at once so it’s really determined on the specifics of when you were born? Fun!)

Also, did you know I just changed my major to English?

My decisions are usually influenced by what I’m doing at the moment, so, over the summer, I worked at a movie theater so guess what that means? I wanted to be a filmmaker. I told literally anyone who would listen that I would change my major to something in Film and be so happy creating because creating is what I want to do so badly.

But my mind always floats back to writing.

I’ve been a psychology fan for so long. I’ve gone through all the motions of wanting to help people (children, specifically, because I felt, and still feel, like people don’t care too much about children’s mental health and then are left confused when told most problems in adulthood stem from childhood), then wanting to know about mental illness, then wanting to do my own research. My underlying problem is that I always want to stand out and I feel like, per my last parenthesis, it stems from my last blog post about never feeling like nothing more than a shadow of my mother. I’m nothing if not a circle backer.

But another way that I make my deciding decisions is if I come back to it, that means I really want to do it. I wanted to be a journalist in the 10th grade and wrote for the newspaper in the 11th grade, although nothing got posted because our advisor was sick and never in school, which also made it hard for the poor kids who were in his class. Writing for this blog and then the amount of nice comments from everyone, including Dr. Kate, made me a lot happier than anything has in a while. I like when people like my writing because this feels like such a natural talent and I really do blame it on learning to read early in Kindergarten. I think that reading so much and writing so much is such a fun way to spend my time, but I was always scared of a career in writing because I’ve never wanted to monetize my writing. I think now I know there’s a difference in writing for fun and writing for my job. I don’t think I’ll ever write something like this for fun unless I start another blog of my own. Every self blog never works out though, seeing as they get deleted after some months of inactivity.

Really, I’ve never stuck to a plan. I just run around in circles that get smaller and smaller while I pick up trinkets along the way like those coin machines in museums that really are only to get your precious coins and captivate the distractible minds of children. However, I have faith in this one because look! I came back to it.

So, here’s to sticking to this one.

Can I post this blog? Am I allowed to write about this topic? Is this a good topic?

Everyone is an individual who has the agency to do as they please. Some situations, certain locations, and laws change what people are able to do. If I could change the situations that people are in and be able to give agency, I would. I believe that people should have agency.

I, on the other hand, have a problem acting on my own.

I find myself asking for permission or notifying people about my actions. I’ve created a world for myself to ask people if I can do certain actions. I ask permission from my friends and family if it’s okay if I eat a certain food. I let people know I’m going to the bathroom even if it’s no one’s business. Everytime I want to buy something, I refer to my friends and mother. They always tell me the same three things: “It’s your money, get what you want”, “Do you think you need it?”, or “No, you would be better saving money for something else”. I know they will give me the same answers. My mind wants to have permission for the actions, feelings, and reasons I have.

It almost feels like my body isn’t mine. Or that I need permission to exist in the space I already take up. I resist myself to only do what I know what I’m allowed to do, and if I don’t know, I’ll ask. I can’t tell if it’s due to my identity and it’s intersectionality. Or due to how I grew up to be polite, so my body policed itself to be overly polite to always ask to make a move. Am I afraid to act because it will reflect all the people I represent? Or am I afraid to act because I’m afraid to be rude?

This all makes me realize I need to take agency back for me and my body. Don’t apologize for the space I take up or ask anyone if I need permission for space. I’m starting to break out of this mental shell. I start taking actions without trying to explain the reason behind my actions. I want to be better about asking to do stuff. I tend to ask if I can eat a certain food or if I’m allowed to sit in a certain spot. I want to be able to plan a whole day where I try not to ask anyone what I should do and if I should do it. I have a goal in mind to be more independent and not let myself lose agency.

Should I do it?

This summer I became head manager of an outdoor pool. I managed and created schedules, was tasked with instructing new lifeguards, and was expected to make sure pool safety and chemical measures were up to code. Between the patrons who came during the senior hours, or the little 15 year-olds working their first new jobs, I loved creating relationships, especially when for the past year I hadn’t met any new people. 

It was almost perfect, but the downside to being a lifeguard, is the visual representation that comes along with that is. When someone mentions lifeguard, my thoughts immediately go to Baywatch. Ripped shirtless guys, and skinny and curvy women, but I don’t fit that stereotype, and struggles came with that. When requesting a uniform, which my company provides for free, I fill out the styles and sizes of each piece of uniform I need. T-shirt, shorts, bathing suit, etc. The sizes range from XS-XXL. Luckily, my size falls into that category, but whenever I go to the office to pick up my uniform, it’s never in stock.