All my life I’ve been a music enthusiast, hell, even my family is as they have always had a certain type of rhythm. My mom and other family members grew up in Panama where music was very prevalent, whether it was Jamaican music, reggae in Espanol, salsa, bachata etc. that early on was instilled into me. That ear for beats and lyrics all came from my people and their habits as well as my environment. Growing up I listened to a lot of hip hop as an inner-city urban kid that went through progressions. Music in a lot of ways was therapeutic to me and helped me get through things and situations that were stressful and prevalent at the time and even gave me a better love and understanding of the things that I listened to. To me, I listen to everything and have because the different genres of music often times match with the feelings I currently hold. If I’m sad or depressed one day I might listen to sad alternative music; if I’m happy the next I might listen to joyous or rowdy hip hop or rock. Music to me is more than just music, it’s a lifestyle and a characteristic that describes me and who I am as an individual. There was a point in time when I was so wrapped up into music that I became a producer for a while, learning how to produce beats and mix & master tracks. Those days are long gone but all in all it caused me to have a deeper connection with music. The music I’ve listened to and continue to listen too also inspired me to pursue photography and arts. It was not the sole reason why I pursued those options but did play a factor on those decisions. I’m a very creative person in general and music and arts like photography and videography go hand in hand so that transition was fairly easy for me in that sense of becoming a content creator.

I started doing photography in 2018 and now if your able to see some of the stuff that I have now, it has a lot of music incorporated in a lot of ways by far. Overall, music is in ways my saving grace and has navigated me through my up and downs through relatability and continues to do so as my life keeps on moving. It keeps me sane when I’m out of it, it keeps me alive when I’m at my highest, it truly is a wonderful thing to have access to within my everyday life, almost like a necessity. Most times my mind can’t live without it which is why you see me with headphones all the time but to me putting those headphones in and listening to artists is like the equivalency of drinking water at this point, its just that effortless. Ever since I was little all the way till now, music has been essential towards every aspect of my life. I can keep going on and on, but I think you all get the memo. Music is music but to me it’s more than just that.

Recently I had the opportunity to participate in a dance for a school organization event on campus. While this seemed exciting I was extremely hesitant as I didn’t believe that I was “built” to dance. I was very nervous going into the first practice because I knew that there was going to be a clear distinction between my size and the other girl’s size. However, I knew I wanted to participate as this is my last semester and I wanted to do something that was out of my comfort zone. The first practice went really well and I was caught off guard. All the girls that I would be dancing with were really nice and helpful when going over the dance moves. Going to these dance practices really made me feel better about myself and my body. During these practices I noticed how much work it really was to dance for even a minute straight. I became more aware of my movements and my environment in a good way. Learning to position myself in different places and finding different ways to dance to a certain lyric was very fun for me. Another thing about me is that I dislike public speaking, even presenting in class is a big barrier for me. I get really nervous and tend to mess up a lot, so cue to event day, I remember not being nervous at all when I was about to perform in front of 200+ people. I was shocked at myself too because usually I would be jittery or trying to back out at the last minute. The actual performance was a blur for me but all I know is that I did my best and I felt really good about myself. Becoming more aware of my surroundings reminded me of “As the Earth Dances” by Kimerer LaMothe “Insofar as dancing can educate people’s sensory awareness to their own movement as the movement of nature within them…” I related to this as I was very aware of my own environment during practice and during the actual performance. Overall, I am really glad I did this before I graduated and had fun doing it!

There has been an ongoing discourse about how gen Z was robbed from our 20s, and especially the clubs. Growing up, we watched shows like Jersey Shore and constantly heard songs about getting drunk in the club. But now that we are old enough to go out, we feel cheated. People just aren’t dancing the way they used to, and I think dance has become a thing that a lot of people think is embarrassing or “cringe” most of the time. I thought about this after reading “As the Earth Dances,” because it reminded me of how important dance is for individuals and society at large. In a way, I feel like dance has been somewhat colonized much like everything else. Even thinking about a more accepted form of dance… the TikTok dances. Those dances are usually created by black people, and are then watered down for others to easily learn. But even TikTok dances are products which can be bought and sold. But anyway, when someone starts freestyling in the club (which are usually older adults or very drunk people), people record them instead of joining in, further isolating the person. I mean they might like the attention, but it is so individualistic you know? There is no communal dancing. But when I see videos from HBCUs, people have choreography and there are so many people dancing all together and having a good time at almost every event. Its almost like dance has been whitewashed, and it makes me so sad because I love to dance, but I rarely feel comfortable doing it in public without people looking at me like I have 4 heads.

I think bringing back dancing without shame would help society tremendously. It would make people feel more connected to the community, to friends, to music, to nature, and so much more. It would help us start valuing art that is not made to be bought or sold, and also help us to value one another and their bodies. Dance also elevates people’s moods and releases feel good chemicals in the brain. Instead of dancing alone in your room, could you imagine dancing in a club full of people ALL dancing without caring about how they looked? That would be amazing. And there is no doubt that cellphones have impacted this experience. Because everyone is worried about getting recorded and possibly losing their jobs or being made fun of for what they look like while dancing.

Society would be so much better if we valued art that isn’t a product. Because dance IS valuable and it IS necessary. Art is amazing because it communicates through itself, and not necessarily through words. Art has the power to bring people together, and right now it is very individualistic. Going back to my example of TikTok dances, most people learn and perform the dance by themselves and then post it for everyone to see. How isolating is that? We don’t need to make dance an online thing, I wish instead, we could have community dance events where people learn and perform dances together you know – “live.” It’s actually pretty dystopian to think about, especially in comparison with other cultures where they value community and interconnectedness.

PS: We need better music in the clubs and more DJs who identify as women!!

Music makes me feel gender. Whether it’s moving my body, feeling the beat, watching live performance, or playing the drums, music is the one thing that helps me make sense of my tangled mess of a mind and body. I haven’t played the drums in a while but I have been practicing since I was 15. My Chemical Romance had a profound effect on me when I was younger and I became so enthralled with the motions and flow of playing the drums. I started practicing on my dad’s drum kit in our basement. In some weird way, it helped me feel connected to my body. For some time, I was a cyborg and my wooden drumsticks were merely an extension of my flesh. Playing the drums is kind of a dance, too. My left arm held a steady snare beat while my right flailed between crash and hihat and ride. Meanwhile, my legs were running in place as they pedaled away. I felt connected to myself and I was playing music that helped process the anguish and loneliness I felt at the time. I was at home in my body.

Later on, I understood gender in a different way. I took a class called Transnational Feminisms and I was introduced to Mia Mingus and her idea of “moving towards the ugly.” I became fascinated with the idea of reclaiming ugliness and finding beauty and empowerment in its subversive nature. For my final project in that class I made a zine highlighting queer people in hardcore and how they embody gender through their music.” Many of these people are queer and POC making music about those embodied experiences. As a queer POC myself, I felt recognized myself in this messy and chaotic music because it’s how I feel about my own damn self! As part of my zine I created a Spotify playlist called FEMME TUNES to showcase the liberating hardcore music created by queer and POC femmes. This felt relevant to share since the class made a shared playlist. So I am sharing mine for anyone who is interested:)

The last 2 weeks have been a living hell for me. I have been so stressed out because of exams and finals, it just feels like my entire life is breaking apart. No matter how much I study, it feels like it will never be good enough. This week I had two exams, a quiz, and had to do an 8-page essay. Later on Wednesday found out that I got a B on an English essay, that I worked so hard on which now changed my grade from an A to a B in the class. In that moment of seeing that B, I cried. I just felt worthless the moment when I saw that grade because, in the back of my mind, I just thought about how I would never be good enough no matter how much I studied or put effort into an assignment or exam. No matter how much effort I put into all my classes, my grades just keep on going down, and I just feel like I was a mistake in life and should have never existed. That I’m just a useless human being that can’t even do the simplest things like a damn essay. This has even caused me to have a fear of losing my scholarship if I don’t study enough and it has even caused me to become more depressed.

I even thought of just giving up at one point but at the same time, the fear of getting a bad grade still motivates me to still try and not give up. After having my therapy session today, my therapist made me realize that a grade can’t define how smart or good I am. That it’s just a letter and that I’m already good enough. At this point, I just want to study, finish my exams, and go back home and be with my cat!!!!

Also good luck on exams everyone, you got this :)) (here’s a pic of my baby to help with the stress)

I’ve always said that if I had had the choice, I would have become a professional dancer. 

I grew up in a sports world – soccer and basketball mostly – and I hated all of it. It was a required activity from when I was young because my dad was a coach and held firm to this grandiose idea that all his kids would grow up to be professional athletes. My older sister really inspired this, as she showed great promise in her athletic ability from a young age. Plus, she was naturally tall. I, as the second child, showed little promise as an athlete, with no indication of being tall, coordinated, or athletic, but was still forced into the activity against my will. 

I hated running and sweating. I hated the competition. I hated trying to coordinate my awkward limbs. I hated all of it. My very first soccer game at the age of 7 or 8 encapsulates perfectly my relationship with sports. During the kick-off – the very first kick of the game – the other team launched the ball square into my face, it toppled me over crying, and I sat out the rest of the game, refusing to play anymore. 

My younger siblings were also naturally gifted as athletes and excelled in both basketball and soccer. In middle school, my older sister, younger sister, and I were all on an intramural team that my dad coached. The team was split into the gold squad and the blue squad, both my sisters being natural stars of the gold squad, and I being the skilled bench warmer of the blue squad. I was content in that role, though, because it meant little play time on the court and I could goof off with the other non-athletic girls relegated to the blue squad, pretending to be cheerleaders instead. 

Dance was never an option for me. Growing up in a conservative religious household, dance was seen as inappropriate in nearly all forms. Most types of music were also forbidden so it wasn’t until I started sneaking around listening to “bad” music in my teens did I realize how much my body enjoyed moving to certain rhythms. Movement felt natural and instinctual, and it allowed me to tap into a confidence about myself that never existed when I played sports. 

As soon as I graduated from high school I left home, got a job, and immediately enrolled myself in jazz dance classes. I loved most everything about it, with one exception: as a late bloomer, I had grown into a decent basketball playing height (ironically) and was taller than every single person there, most of whom had been dancing from a young age. My lack of experience and lanky stature made watching myself dance, in the ceiling to floor mirrors of the dance studio, difficult to bear. As natural as I was, my inability to embody dance technically was frustrating and I did not have the self confidence to persist and give myself the time and consistency needed to improve. So I quit and moved on, swallowing the disappointment that dance was not the pathway I had thought it could be. 

Since then and throughout my adult life, I have enjoyed many different forms of dance, but have had to work through bitter feelings of not being able to dance at the level I wished I could, had I been able to pursue learning from a young age. Really, I think the bitterness stems from being forced into the years of experience I have in a form of movement that I dreaded every moment of, instead of having the opportunity to explore areas of movement where my heart was just as engaged as my body was. 

A friend who knows this story about me likes to joke that I’m a “failed” dancer, a seemingly cruel joke about something so dear to my heart, but one that actually makes me smile and gives solace in framing my experience through; because it implies the potential of what was that failed to be, rather than the potential of something that was never even given a chance to begin with. 

How I wished I could have played soccer:

Image: A female ballet dancer dramatically dances atop the bent knee of a kneeling male ballet dancer next to two soccer players diving for a soccer ball in the middle of a soccer field.

In the last few weeks of class, we talked about black bodies and trans bodies in sports and in general. Instantly my mind went to analyzing and drawing parallels from the past. I thought back to how black people were made to do entertainment and labor for the white masses with little regard for their own financial and physical well-being. I thought back to trans women who did the labor during Stone Wall and how they are still ostracized in the LGBT community.

Black and trans bodies will be seen as discardable despite all we do continuously for our communities and society as a whole. Our bodies are integral to keeping society running yet there are no thank-yous, kindness, or consideration when making a newer and supposedly “better” society. This echoes the history of America, using black bodies to progress in capitalism with no remorse for those that it hurts. Then when black people demand that we get our fair share we are met with violence and get called ridiculous. When will this stop? How long do black people have to get the short end of the stick and get robbed of our fair share?

Trans people are killed at alarming rates and nothing is happening. There is no justice even when we give so much of ourselves to the public. We put ourselves out there to normalize our existence through stories but still, we are called less than. This world does not allow trans joy. When trans people try to do things that would be called normal for any cis person we get called predators and freaks. It is not fair, plain and simple. Society as a whole hates that trans people are being normalized and the last bite of conservatism is fighting for dear life. I wish it would die quietly because I don’t know how much more I can take.

I don’t want to undermine the major improvements in life these communities were able to accomplish but I do wish things were going faster. All of this moving at a turtle’s pace is not enough for me. I want radical change in society, not centimeter towards centralism.

In its simplest form, soccer is a joyful and expressive game, especially for young players between the ages of 6 and 13. Carefree practices marked those early days, when the main objective was to enjoy yourself and the pure joy of playing with friends. The teams were chosen by us, and halftime snacks consisted as much of eating orange slices as taking a breather. When the game moved into the collegiate and professional levels, it changed dramatically. Soccer transformed from a hobby into a career, requiring a level of commitment that was unthinkable in the carefree days of childhood. Turning in phones the night before games and arriving hours before a game were part of the preparation rituals. retaining strict bedtimes. During training, the intensity increased dramatically, and friends turned into rivals as they competed for a desired starting spot. Managers upheld a no-nonsense personality by carrying severe expressions. Coaches had little patience and their window for players to make mistakes narrowed as players advanced to higher levels. The significance of roles and the seriousness of competition gradually stole the shine from the game, which had once been a source of pure joy. On the field, there was less freedom to express yourself and more pressure to live up to high standards. In this journey from youth soccer to profession, soccer underwent a change, leaving behind the joy of youth in exchange for the demands and pressures of the elite levels, ultimately transforming the beloved game into a serious business.

I remember in class we talked about how at some point when we love something I think someone mentioned dance and how they started to hate it because it became much more serious than dancing. So I thought of this because when I played, I just remember how serious the game became the higher the level. My coach would stop the entire session during a drill if you made a mistake. He would say things like “Immaturity you’re 20 years old making mistakes my youth team makes. USE YOUR BRAIN AND PLAY!” it would get to the point where you would doubt your own skills. But off the field he was calm and cool. I know it’s constructive criticism, but sometimes it would get so serious you ask yourself “how is this fun?” Overall I just think sometimes people never understand how sports become the older you get. Theres no longer any fun, it’s a business and competition.